Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

[KwanYingirl]

Thanks @ladee

 

[shimmerz]

Okay, so my apologies because I have not been looking at my friends diaries at all lately. Not even typing in my own. I am so very sorry you are going through all of this @KwanYingirl. This very issue, with my own kids, was literally driving me insane. And this....

STOP BREAKING YOUR OWN HEART

says in words what I could never express. I honestly HATE myself for caring so much for my kids (adult) that I am unable to live a proper and healthy life. Never, not ever, did I imagine this.
I have noticed that many, many women are having these problems with their adult children. This contempt, disgust and rage at their mothers. I can't imagine that this is good for them in the long run. I keep wanting to say to my kids 'when you finally realize what you have been doing, know that I forgive you'. Of course, I won't. They think I am doing everything wrong, that they have no culpability. Breaks my heart and honestly I feel like I am still trying to piece my soul together because of all of this.

I know how angry my kids are about the PTSD and I can't even imagine how it would be with your chemical sensitivities as well. I just really can't imagine.

My heart is with you. I am so sorry, for each of us. @ladee, of course you as well.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I’m getting a new puppy in September to help Annie with her failing health. It will be a white Maltepoo like Annie, well Annie is black. I don’t know if I’ll be getting a girl or boy. Annie’s breeder wants me to have one because she has more puppies right now and some people have backed out. I can pay over time. I just told her I don’t care the sex, I just don’t want the runt. Annie’s Vet bills are enough for a lifetime. If it’s a girl I think I’ll name her Rosie because my daughters birthflower is a rose. If it’s a boy I’ll name him Finn which is a Gaelic for “white” plus I think it’s a good short name for a wee dog.
I have some anxieties because Annie doesn’t like to share her toys, but she really is a therapy dog and she has been very good with other small dogs. If they’re bigger than her she growls at them.
I’m not telling my kids I’m getting a puppy because they will be super critical and arrogant and I don’t want their negative energy directed toward me. I’m practically a shutin with my issues and dogs are my favorite animal.

 

[shimmerz]

I’m practically a shutin with my issues and dogs are my favorite animal.

Now, that's self care. Great idea!

 

[ladee]

Great self care, and besides, you don't need permission to be happy or have critters or things that make you happy... good for you !!

Tender hugs. :hug::hug:

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, it’s been a hell of a year so far. Topped off by my car accident and the huge out of pocket expenses. I didn’t pay my mortgage or car payment not my office rent, but as long as all my clients shoe up this week, I can get current. This gives me a bit of satisfaction as my income is going up at the same time that my new attitude is playing out. No longer do I have to chase clients. I have more than I can handle. I have Groupon to thank for that. Only half of the people that purchase one make an appointment so that’s free money, and enough of the Groupon clients I do, most continue in with treatments. Finally got finished with the whacko diabetic that would go off on sugar high rants about how great the guy in the White House is. I finally told him after about two months that either he stop bringing soda and candy bars in or he’d be terminated. Even at the last 2 weeks before his plastic surgery he blew me off last minute. The following week, he wanted to come in and I said I had no openings and best wishes for successful surgery. Adios.
I’m certain that the soul recovery work I did with my Shaman is genuine. A lot of sexually abused women have a sense that they are not complete, that some way of connecting to the wider world is missing. I never felt authentic. I doubted that my compassion and empathy were genuine. My Shaman told me my soul was in pieces and they were floating outside of me. She summoned celestial beings called Palladian to come and sew the pieces together. She said it would take a long time for them to do that. I guess it was about 6 months when she told me it was intact and whenever I felt ready she would guide it back into me. I resisted this for I had no idea what it feels like to have a soul. Would I suddenly feel less burdened? Well, in a word, yes. Even with all the emotional and financial problems I’ve had this month, I’ve coped well. Not perfect, but not self destructive either. I was able to work full days. Frustrated, angry, worried, anxious to be headed into debt, but at the same time I found myself able to comfort myself, to imagine my worries as a clump of crap that I put out on the front porch and told myself to let it be away from me. All I can do is go to work and make money, I can’t be ending up in the fetal position cancelling clients and generally being negative. For some miraculous reason I’ve been able to think rationally, to stay in the present. Very few nightmares, I’m using less Xanax and sleeping pills.
I think my soul is working. I feel like I’m tethered to the Earth.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well, I have changed my mind again for the hundredth time. Now I think I shouldn’t get a puppy. I’m having mood swings about it. Really too much anxiety about Annie. She may be nearing the end of her life and I want her to have a predictable life. If I start leaving her home instead of coming to work I think she’ll lose her will to live. She absolutely loves coming to work. Training a pup and remembering how hard it was to train Annie not to pee on the rug.,also, I have a lot of debt. I need to start preparing for retirement. My inheritance from my mother was cancelled by my brother and it was going to pay off my mortgage. This is how my family abuse has followed me my whole adult life. Meanwhile, he is hoarding her money for himself because he feels entitled to it. So, whatever, that’s never going to change. I’m on my own in a country that has no hope.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Have bottomed out. Daughter may be visiting today and that makes me extremely anxious. Been awake since 2am and would rather just sleep this afternoon. Yesterday the offgassing in my office has become unbearable. I am not using paper pouches anymore. If it’s not latex, it’s the glue. It vaporizes, escapes and settles on everything around it. Makes me sick. My f*cking chemical sensitivity. A client yesterday said he wanted to fix me up with one of the truck drivers he works with. I said thanks, but no thanks. I’ve tried that. Guys don’t like to be told what shampoo and soap and deodorant to use. My experience has been that people intentionally wear even more perfume if I ask them not to wear any. No, people don’t want to accommodate my air quality needs. Time to get up and go. I wonder what the day will unfold into.

 

[KwanYingirl]

A very pleasant visit with my daughter today. I live at the beach and we went down right away and spent the whole day talking. She didn’t insult me or condescend towards me. I wonder if planning her wedding stressed her out so much over the past year has lifted. I got a food delivery from Hello Fresh that arrived last night. I get three meals that I choose from a menu of, I don’t know, a lot of recipes. The majority are spicy and I don’t like spicy. I could live on oatmeal and brown rice and be happy. I’m trying to address my eating problem. The problem is that I don’t eat. The last time I ate was last Saturday. I went to an outdoor concert in Portsmouth and packed a Mediterranean wrap and a bag of chips. I ate half. Still haven’t eaten the other half and I’ve got three meals to make before next Tuesday. They send you everything you need for the meal except olive oil. Each meal takes only 30 minutes to make. But I’m not hungry and I’m tired, maybe tomorrow. I think I need help from a dietician because I just don’t feel hunger. And I’m not skin and bones. My body is so starved for food, I gain weight. I walk and exercise and I don’t lose a pound. Maybe a dietician can give me ideas of how to feel hunger. Or small amounts to eat during the day that add up to being nutritious. This is a result of my chemical brain injury. I have failure to thrive. So I’ve had my soul recovered by my Shaman, now I need to heal my body as much as I can. I’m afraid to eat most fruits because they are grown with so many pesticides. I’ll email my doc about that. See if insurance will pay for it. The beach wasn’t crowded today. I love it. The air is so clean and healing. I can literally see the beach from my porch and so often I am just too sick from exposures, I can’t walk down. Which is stupid because I always feel recharged if I go. Just sit or maybe read. I’m rereading “The World According to Garp” by John Irving, my favorite author. I haven’t read it for about 15 years and it’s so good I’m reading it again. Feeling at peace right now. My skin turned a nice brown today. That’s always fun.

 

[ladee]

Very happy to hear the day with your daughter was so good. Our kids... we should have another forum just about that issue in our lives.

I am so sorry that food is such an issue for you. Well, just being out in the world is an issue. Can't imagine how isolating that is. And your body being so hypersensitive to so many things. The world has no clue. I read an article probably thirty years ago about a child that was having so many issues in school.. come to find out, it was all the 'smells' in the school and classroom . I have thought a lot about that boy thru the years. He would be a grown man now. And they certainly didn't know about things like this then.

One of my favorite book, the one you are reading... need to get it again when I go to the library. Haven't read it in years. Wonder what different meaning it will have for me now??

Happy to know you are peace. Savor it. You deserve to have peace. We all do... I get glimpses of it now and again...

Glad to see you here sharing again... missed ya !! Tender cyber hugs, the kind that doesn't smell!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Thanks @ladee i agree that we could use a category for children. Raising my children in a peaceful, validating environment was so important to me. I did struggle, and still worry, with safety for my daughter. She wants to go to Columbia and I said promise me you’ll never leave Joe’s side. As usual, she replied “stop worrying, drug lords don’t rule the country anymore” well, be that as it may, I was actually referring to the sex slave industry. She told me she’s too old for that, they wouldn’t want someone her age. So obviously, she does give these things some thought.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Now Annie’s digestive system is not working. She’s going to have one problem after another. She’s been throwing up and liquid stool since yesterday. The Vet gave her a shot for her pain. She couldn’t even palpate Annie’s belly without her crying. I had to wait an hour, then she tried again and it was better. So we went home with a drug for diarreah. I can only feed her rice and chicken, both I had in the fridge. A tablespoon, wait an hour, another tablespoon. Then wait til morning and do the same thing. If the prednisone has affected her bowels everything will go through and she won’t get nutrition. f*ck Addison’s Disease. She is the sweetest, adorable, loving and kooky dog I’ve ever had. Just a love bug.