Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

[KwanYingirl]

Well, my therapist thought it was an interesting request, but he had no trouble coming up with questions. But now I can't remember any of them!!! We ended up with him helping me understand fragmentation and he did know I am but today I was more honest about how much it impairs my ability to work. I am constantly trying to stay present especially if I have a needy client. Sometimes I zone out, but have developed such good skills at my craft I can do it blind.
He explained how he sees me as parts of a whole pie, whereas I feel each part is a separate whole and my identity and ability to work cohesively is disordered. However, I have come a long way since I walked into his office and spent the first six months totally dissociative. He asked me what it is that I like about Tara Brachs videos. I really had to think about that. I usually watch one over and over. She has a nice sense of humor. She offers the neurobiology of whatever topic she's discussing, giving examples. She teaches skills to practice and leads a guided lesson. There's that word practice again. I told him I feel hopeless because I never master any of these skills I am taught. That's when I self destruct. Still, I have made progress.
All in all, it was a good session.

 

[seedling]

You guys have such a great relationship that you could do that!
Glad it was a positive session:)

 

[seedling]

Practice is good.
It seems like an eternity until something sticks. Just remember how many years worth of the other kind of practice you are (are!) changing.
I think even thinking about or searching for things to practice counts ;)

 

[KwanYingirl]

A good friend just contacted me. She hopes everyone is fine.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I hate going to the dentist. I have a phobia about anyone or anything compromising my airway. Trigger from being strangled. Also my grandfather would pull my pillow over my face to force me to be quiet. A couple of times I almost did die. Yuckie. I hate going to the dentist and I had beautiful teeth for dirty years and then my chemical exposure, over 7 years, rotted the enamel on my teeth. They have slowly cracked and literally fall out of my mouth or come off eating.
So I have an appt to have the upper teeth, what's left of them, extracted and am having a denture made plus a partial one for my lower molar sections.
When I got so sick and couldn't work, I started going to Community Dental because they have a sliding scale. It still costs a lot though. The dentists are new grads and they use us to get practice before venturing off to their private practices. Long story short, I've had crappy care for years. So one of my bottom fillings fell out and I'm right in the thick of getting my dentures made, Community Dental can't see me till June so my denturist recommended a dentist who she admires. So I called to see if they could see me today and he said yes (he answered the phone!).
I went this morning and OMG, he is the best dentist I have ever met. He showed me how the tooth needed to be extracted and I am not kidding, he had me numb in minutes because he massaged it into my tissue. In two minutes it was out. I never felt a thing. So now I want him to do my top extractions because at Community Dental, well, they have no experience. So I changed my work schedule a month ago to have them out on a Friday the 20th and rescheduled my weekend clients. I asked his guy if he would do my extractions on the 29th and he said he would come in on his day off to do it for me. What a peach.
He's a little more expensive, but will give me a year to pay for it. I hate my smile. I never smile, my teeth are so ugly. Pretty soon I'll have a denture with nice white teeth I've already picked out the color and size. I'm going to end up with only 8 of my real bottom teeth so I'm going to go to this guy from now on.
I'm going to take a Xanax just to help. Can't wrap my mind around sitting there and having 8 teeth pulled at once, then putting the denture on immediately. The whole thing has been anxiety provoking. Too much gagging and feeling like I was choking. I'll be glad when it's over.

 

[seedling]

Glad that filling could fall out so you found this great new dentist;)
Hope he can help you through it like he did with the first extraction.

Did you consider being put under for the procedure? I know some people have that done.
Tooth extraction is invasive. Have had my share and am trying to hold on to what I've got right now.

Can't wait for you to have your new smile :)

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm just beginning to read through your diary from the start. You are one strong person, @KwanYingirl. I was excited to read about your first journeys with the shaman. As I think you know, I have just begun down this path as well, and am finding it pretty wild, but also healing. I would like to know the name of the book you read by a psychologist about shamanic work. I am reading the "bible" of shamanism now (The Way of the Shaman). I laughed when you talked about journeying being dissociative, and about being no stranger to altered reality. Because I feel the same way...I've never done the drugs and alcohol too much (although I do drink), but I seem to enter non-ordinary reality all the time. The key, apparently, is intention. I'm not terribly good at that, but getting better.

I'll keep reading on. Just wanted to share that you can have many more than one power animal. I have a LOT. I am pretty sure different ones serve as guides to different parts of me. But some of them seem to serve my overall system. And I have new animal guides showing up all the time when I visit the lower world. In the upper world, there are just beings of light. More human I suppose, but no features or anything. More like just presences. Very different. These days I'm focusing on the middle world...where I travel with at least on animal guide (always travel anywhere with at least one)...and it is in the middle world that I am just beginning to work on trauma stuff.

Anyway, I'm so glad you are writing this journal. I look forward to reading more of it. And I am glad you found a good dentist and that you're on your way to a smile that makes you feel good about yourself. A good friend of mine just went through this whole process around 2 years ago (extracted all teeth and got full dentures). He looks great and I've never seen him smile so much. I wish you well with this. Stay in touch. Namaste.

 

[KwanYingirl]

24 hours left before my teeth get pulled. The anxiety is intolerable. Why? I don't understand. I have had all my molars out as time has gone by. But I was asleep for them and would end up puking for a day from the narcotic. It wasn't just that I chose to be asleep. My dentist wouldn't try to take a molar out because they have gnarled roots and are really f*cking hard to get out. So best to be unconscious. I've had 2 incisors taken out in the dentist office and it was a piece of cake and no throwing up. But 8 at a time???? I am so wigged out.
I try to self soothe. Yeah, in my world, that means cutting myself or over medicating . I don't like the term 'self destructive' . As far as I'm concerned I am 'memory destructive'. More than anything, I want a genuine, cohesive 'self'. One of those people that can handle the waves that come and go with living life. To me, it's one catastrophie after another. And it's not even rational!! I mean, being conscious while having my teeth out is far less risky than being put to sleep. Why can't I embrace that and calm down?

Because anyone coming within arms length of my throat is certain death. It happened. I was strangled and woke up alive. I'm still in his grip. Damn it. And then I'm being smothered to be raped as a child. And I woke up (or returned from dissociation). I'm still in his grip.

I have to stimulate my prefrontal cortex. It will calm me down. How do I do that? Breathe. Breathe again. Stay with the breath. Be here now. It is not happening. It is not going to happen again. I survived a potential robbery two weeks ago. I left my office at 7:00 with my 11 pound dog. A guy was leaning against my car. I was immediately aware that it was the ONLY car in the office park. Then I was aware that Annie was growling and pulling the leash. Her teeth were bared. I stayed present and very calmly looked the shit in the eyes and said "my dog bites. I think you should walk away from my car" pretending to hold Annie back, but really letting her get closer. He walked away, I dropped my damn keys and panicked that I was wasting escape time and got in my car and locked it. Now I walk out with my last client. But I did it. I thwarted disaster. And even writing this success down has calmed my nerves. Wow! Powerful. I don't have to be a victim. I can prevail with the assist of my dog, who, by the way, would never bite. Well, it was the first time I ever heard her growl and bare her teeth. Good doggie, Annie!!!

It's hard for me to trust caregivers. My primary caregivers failed horribly to keep me safe. My life as a child was very violent. That doesn't mean that every action in my life will be violent and seemingly unending. I seriously doubt that a dentist would put himself in the position of dealing with a nervous breakdown in his chair. If he didn't think it would be tolerable, he'd refer me to an oral surgeon. All it takes is faith. My swan reminds me to find faith. This may be a good opportunity to actively work on that. I feel better just processing this. And my teeth are so sick. Getting them out is going to be such a boost to my immune system.

More to come....

 

[shimmerz]

This may or may not resonate with you. I have been thinking about this since yesterday because I have been concerned about you. I had a friend who always has dental work done (pulled teeth too) with no pain meds. He swears by his breathing. I found an article which speaks of different breathing patterns. I will supply the link. I am sorry, I haven't had the time to look through the whole thing. I searched google for 'breathing for pain control shaman'... so if this article isn't helpful, perhaps there is something else?

http://www.shamanportal.org/article_details.php?id=555

I oftentimes put myself into trance states (although I have to be careful because one of my symptoms of PTSD was completely trancing out), by way of the breath. I project myself out of my body using journeying techniques. Not sure if it is helpful or not KYG, but please know that my heart is with you. I will be holding your hand as you have your work done tomorrow, if you find that to be helpful.

 

[shimmerz]

This one seems better I think.

Dead Link Removed

One of the reasons I don't feel pain is due to my natural ability to trance out deeply. Others may call it dissociation, but it is actually, more of a trance state that I go into. Does your dissociation feel like a trance?

 

[KwanYingirl]

No. Trance is how I am when I'm journeying. I am present in that world and quite aware of my surroundings. Dissociating follows extreme stress which leads to hyperventilating which leads to dissociating. I am not present or aware of what I am experiencing. It is very uncomfortable to come out of a dissociative state. When I return from journeying, I feel refreshed and enlightened.

I have been practicing breathing today!!! It helps a lot. I'm not afraid of Novocain as much as I feel unable to breathe. It sounds so invasive, but see that's a distortion because I have had many extractions of molars and I did fine with healing. Ugh...I'm at work now but will definitely visit the sites you sent me. Thank you for your well wishes.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I will be listening to this during my procedure today. My friends here have offered me loving kindness and support. Sadly, my Mother feels that I am just being silly. No wonder I struggle with self compassion.