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Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

Hey there:)
I haven't been on in a while and here I am to see your post.

Resuming guitar sounds great. A nice way to treat yourself well and connect to something special in you.

Awesome about your teeth. That must feel so good.

May all be well.
 
Boy, it's been a long time since I've been on the forum. I'm in a bleak place. November 29 is my birthday. On my 24th birthday I was sitting in a pub in England having a pint. A seemingly nice guy sat with me and we had another pint. The next time I was awake was when I ended up drugged and kid napped. Strange city, young female with blonde hair and blue eyes. What was my future going to be? Dead or alive. I woke in a car driven by I don't know who I just pretended to be unconscious. I was slumped against the door and I could see with my right eye that we were driving through the city. I garnered all my courage to escape when he stopped at a red light. I was doped up and kept falling and running. A woman stopped me and asked if I need police. I said no but please help me find a cab, which she did.
 
It's been a difficult winter. Mother is now in a nursing home. She has dementia and no longer knows who I am. She hangs up on me. She says she's at a hotel in Boston and is in charge of the ladies golf league. She thinks the woman in the next room is her friend Helen. But she's named Phyllis. It was such a shock to live through this downward spiral. My sister suggested that when I call her I should say I'm an old friend who used to play golf with her. I wonder how long she can live like this.

Work was really slow all winter. I'm behind on all my bills. I applied for Voc/Rehab help and they determined that I am significantly disabled and I have an appt next Tuesday. My operatory at my office got contaminated by latex that was in sterilizer bags. I could not breathe I had hives all over and when I called OSHA to find out how to decontaminate my space they said I had to paint every inch of the walls and ceilings and wash every single thing in the office. There was a film of orange sticky latex all over everything. What a job that was. I am penniless right now, but things are looking up now.

Haven't been working with my Shaman for awhile. I've just been treading water. Spring is here. A renewal. Time to get functioning better.

Met with my new shrink today. I'd met him once before while in an outpatient program for suicidal people. That's when I was a battered girlfriend of a psychopath. Anyway, he plays guitar too and said he'd be a resource for me if I want to change up my psych drugs. He does something called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation that's is supposed to increase activity to the left prefrontal cortex, which in turn calms down the lambic system. My only fear is that I will disintegrate into all my separate parts and won't be able to function.

Well, I guess the apology from my mother who left me alone with my predator grandfather is never going to come. I think when I see her in a couple of weeks, I'll ask her about it. I'm curious what her deranged mind will come up with an explanation.
 
I don't know how I end up in such f*cked up relationships with men. I am attracted to geniuses but they always have major abusive tendencies. The latest is with my guitar teacher. I really got along great with him at the beginning. He was funny and patient and complimented me on my guitar skills. Sometimes, for unknown (at the time) reasons, he would be scattered and disorganized in his lesson. I'd leave having no idea what even happened in session. Then, he told me he has severe ADD and bored me to death with how he messes around with his meds, etc. then one day we were in lesson and he got a text msg from his roommate and all he said to me was that he had to go home immediately. By the time he got there, his roommate was dead from slashing his arms. I didn't know this til the next day when he called me and begged me to put him up because the apartment was a bloodbath and he was obviously very shook up. My condo is tiny. I said I don't have room to take him in, but he begged me and I relented and he spent two weeks. He was awake all night and slept all day. One night he was up all night playing Dungeons and Dragons online with people in California. He was loud and completely oblivious to the fact that I work every day. He found an apartment. He asked me if it would be okay if he left his safe at my place because there were still workmen redoing his apartment. So I said yeah that's fine. It turns out it had his meds in it and he was expecting me to make sure he didn't take too much. I said get it out of here, I am not your caretaker.

He's been increasingly whacked out and agitated and I found myself dreading lessons. I decided to look online for someone more stable and that's on of a bitch found my posting on Thumbtack. He texted me that he sees that I'm looking for a new guitar teacher and I really hurt him. I told him it's too expensive and I was looking for someone cheaper. Nw he is harassing me to take lessons because he needs the money. And in a very stern tone, like I'd better show up. I'm not responding to his texts and I brought in my Hidden house key and turning on my security system.

All I wanted was to learn music theory and here I am totally suicidal because I have to get away from him. He knows where I live, he doesn't take his meds, or he takes too many, he's just a ticking time bomb and I mean it. He is paranoid and thinks the world owes him for the simple fact that he is a genius with a PhD in Classical Composition. He doesn't even have a good guitar. I think he's schitzo.

Anyway, here I am trying to sleep and work and I find myself anxious that he's going to stalk me. Ugh. I've totally lost interest in guitar. I decided instead to redo my bedroom so I put everything in my dressers on the couch and for three weeks it looks like a hoarder lives here. I got new furniture and painted the walls. Tomorrow, I promise to put my clothes away. I bought a cool trunk to store my winter boots and clothing in.

My anxiety has calmed. I just hope he doesn't stalk me. The last guy that really abused me stalked me after I had the police remove him from my property. I know he moved to Florida, so that piece is take care of.
 
A better day. Got all my crap packed, recycled, donated or tossed. No more piles of random clothes everywhere. Sent guitar man what I owed him and I feel so better not to have to deal with him.

I read somewhere that children that were sexually abused as children, well, maybe it said abused in any way, tend to be abused throughout their life. No fair. Just not fair.
 
I think it's true, we're revictimised. It's as though abusers sense that we're used to it.
 
I feel like my unconscious mind can't communicate with my conscious mind. So all the red flags that go up when you get involved with a narsisst don't ring a bell in my rational mind. I'm blissfully unaware of my peril and by the time I go ah-ha! I'm in deep with these bottom feeders.
 

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