Throwing Darts

[Leah123]

What she might have suspected you of doesn't seem either petty or irrelevant to me. It seems like something that would have at least passed through the mind of a lot of 16 YO's. Many people, maybe most, in that situation, would have wanted to strike back somehow, if they could see a way to do it. Your options were pretty limited.

Right, I agree that it might be a common thing, but the thing is... she needs to know me, not generalize. And she's had 18 months, so I expect a bit better. The thing about striking back then is it just didn't fit. The underlying feeling was being desperately stuck and needing help to stop my breakdown. I was asking for help, wanting to stay in school, and not getting it. It wasn't the typical "pissed at the world and telling it to *f* off" at all story. You wouldn't know that, but... she needs to understand that.

 

[Leah123]

I heard back on my email, for those who mentioned they like to hear these things out:

"Good morning, Leah, good that you are expressing your anger at your mother and me!!!!! Anger is a huge part of healing!

There is no need to apologize for something you could not help, for something that hurt you so very much.

"When you can't get up anymore, show up anymore, make yourself work anymore... what is that." That is called a nervous breakdown, Leah.

I here to help you work through this, XXXXX"

I wrote her back and thanked her, but added that I hoped she'd reply more in depth because all of my concerns are valid and I'd written her a lot about both the past and present dealing with this high school issue and it would be invalidating if all she had to say was 'good job getting angry' and not actually address the content.

Hopefully, haha, she'll take that well and write an inspired reply.

 

[Chava]

Probably she screwed up a bit there, but is it possible to move on and not so much "let go" as just give her another chance, even if you feel really raw right now?

I didn't drop out, but I also loved school and did well and ran away anyway...and didn't care at the time if I'd ever finish school. It was not a rebellion or "F--you" to anyone, but just wanting to leave all of my problems and not feel like a burden to anyone. I wasn't in my right mind, but I wasn't well and nobody could seem to help me. So I was desperate. Honestly, I didn't imagine having a future, so that factored into just giving up and running away too. That lack of seeing ourselves into the future can be common at that age, but can be really nasty with trauma background. I just wanted to survive "right now" and I had no way out. You might forgive your therapist, but you also have to forgive yourself so comments like hers won't matter too much. You really did the best you could at the time, under incredibly stressful circumstances and not the right kind of support. I can relate to just having to survive...that's ultimately more important than getting a degree when expected. And you did survive.

 

[Chava]

Just saw your last note. That sounds pretty supportive but I can hear you're still hurt. E-mail is a hard way to communicate. I'm pretty avoidant in ways and would rather e-mail my therapist (she allows this and typically responds, though usually brief). Hopefully your therapist wants to address all of this more when you see her... ?

 

[scout86]

she needs to understand that.

And, she should, by the time the 2 of you get this sorted out.

It must have been incredibly hard, having to life with your mother, when she not only didn't support you, she didn't even believe you. (I just reread the original post, because I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole situation.) Did you have ANYONE on your side, during all that? I get that school was a priority for you, but, with all the family/legal issues, it almost seems (to me) like the least of your problems. I can see how "being overwhelmed" is practically an understatement. That's a lot on anyone's plate, much less a kid. And to try to deal with it alone? I'm not sure anyone could do that.

I just read your most recent post, and had to laugh. My T could have said something like that! (And it would have left me wanting to choke him because "What's THAT supposed to mean?" :)) Seriously, he does stuff like that a lot. Sometimes it means "Maybe we ought to continue the discussion in the office?"

Keep plugging away, I'll bet you get this worked out. :)

 

[Leah123]

Probably she screwed up a bit there, but is it possible to move on and not so much "let go" as just give her another chance, even if you feel really raw right now?

Thank you for your entire supportive post and yes, I really like that idea of moving on rather than letting it go, of just, trying to be open to her helping me and not let a misguided insight hold us up so much.

That's what I struggle with. I get caught up on something and really upset. Hard to have faith, hard to see a mistake as... just an inevitable misstep since no one's perfect, instead of a major condemnation. In other words, I take everything very seriously. Right now, it feels serious, but... she backed down, she's not trying to judge me. And that maybe is the part hard to remember, her idea, though it was hurtful and off base, was not an attack. But I feel fully defended, told her it was like an internal intruder alert went off because I was being so vulnerable w/her when she said that.

It's hard too, because she was a bit pushy about it, but still, I could try to relax and move forward, not get mired maybe. Just need a little time I guess, to process. And being sleep-deprived prob. isn't helping me a bit. ;)

 

[Leah123]

It must have been incredibly hard, having to life with your mother, when she not only didn't support you, she didn't even believe you. (I just reread the original post, because I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole situation.) Did you have ANYONE on your side, during all that?

Thanks very much. It's so good to come to this board and get some understanding and support from everyone.

I didn't have family on my side then. My mom didn't throw me out, so that was definitely something, but of course it was very tense and often ugly at home. She had some problems too, and I had a lot. I tried to steer clear as much as possible.

I did go to abuse survivor meetings modeled after AA. They helped in one way, because I could vent and be understood, but they were so intense and compelling, I got really overwhelmed there too, and didn't really see it happening...

So, I had some support, from the meetings, but... yeah, it wasn't what I needed to make it through school, everything was just too much after a while.

 

[scout86]

@Leah123, I wish there was a way I could go back to the 16 year old you and say, "Hey, I've got room, come and live at my house!" Really and truly I do! I'm glad you survived your childhood/adolescence!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe she isn't the right therapist for you? I mean it sounds like she cares about digging into the "whys" of the events in your past, and honestly, I don't always think that's helpful. Why did you drop out of school? You were overwhelmed with anxiety and other symptoms. What, exactly, is gained by picking it apart and GUESSING about the subconscious mind?!?! I don't particularly think this is helpful. And honestly, I sort of think it can be a waste of time because in the end, you would never know for sure, right?

Have you tried other forms of therapy yet?

 

[StellaBlue]

No therapist will always be on target, so years of searching wouldn't find me a mind reader or someone who never made a mistake. I think the important thing in therapy is to work through these little ruptures and that since she can do that, we work well together. I did tell her everything, sent an email this morning. We've been in intensive therapy 18 months, many many sessions. We have these issues at time, but as long as she's willing to be consistently supportive, caring, understanding, open-minded, and insightful, I'm in.

I am in awe of your ability to stay on target and know exactly what this rupture is and what needs to be done to repair it. I hope I have this level of self-awareness the next time I have a rupture with my therapist. (I think I may be close - at least I would look into repairing the relationship rather than immediately running away!).

 

[ghotiff]

For me , if/when I understand why something upset me, it's much easier to move past it.

What struck me in this thread was that your T implied that leaving was a "choice" and that you could have made that "choice" for a variety of different reasons.

 

[Leah123]

It's like they don't totally feel how we are like cut open and bleeding all over the place...and the wrong response is like acid.

Yes, this. I do wish she'd do better sometimes. Think about whether her insights are a. important/relevant and b. highly likely to be correct and c. good timing before she shares them.