Throwing Darts

[Leah123]

I wrote her some emails overnight talking about the unconscious motives I have discovered during therapy about my relationship with my mother, and about the things I did do to get back at her, mainly just withdrawing from her, as she was desperately clingy, my punishment of her and self-protection was to be aloof as possible. And I told her how hard it was to go through this cycle of sharing and getting disturbed, that I wished to be better at it, but I wasn't, etc. And about some other unconscious motivations I questioned, now that I'd had time to think about it and wanted her input on.

She just wrote me this, which helps a lot:

"Good morning, Leah, my heart goes out to you. I was thinking a lot about you at 16 this morning as I walked XXXXX (her dog) and think I mind melded with you, how you were feeling at that time; and had no feelings of getting back at your mother. What I felt was despair, fear and abandoned and I simply could not go on with life as it had been.

I am going to reply to your posts soon, but wanted to share this with you."

 

[Leah123]

She wrote back and was very validating. Discussed what good insights I'd developed about my unconscious motivations during therapy and how she could relate to a certain portion herself.

I explained in depth what I saw regarding my unconscious motivations as well as my conscious ones regarding my mother, and she said they made perfect sense to her and she saw how her hypothesis didn't fit. She offered to put "empathy before insights" and said she was very sorry for what I'd gone through, also mentioning understanding why the timing and content of what she said made things rough. For my part, I sent my thanks and acknowledged my reactivness, am trying to make that better, as well as telling her I valued her experience, wisdom and intuition, that I just needed more processing time, time to simply tell the story and be heard, before I was ready for input. So, I think things will hopefully be easier for the next few sessions. It is hard sometimes with these big revelations.