Thrown Off By Acceptance

[Rumors]

I see my therapist once a week. There are some weeks I feel like I need to be there daily though..lol. However, one thing that plagues me is each week is that I think that my t will finally be frustrated and have had enough. Instead, each week I am met with the same demeanor of acceptance and no frustration. What the hell? I am convinced that I will walk in and he will say "hey, this isn't working out" or "I just don't think I can help you..." And when I don't get that, but instead someone who just genuinely seems to care...It really throws me off. AND, all that to say it has changed how I perceive other relationships as well. I have ALWAYS viewed people as temporary and conditional. I had to act a certain way in order to maintain relationships. In other words, I had to have something to offer, or be their employer, or something superficial, but in time it generally ends.
I get that I pay my therapist, I have used that line several times by the way. However, he doesn't get paid enough to really care whether I stay or go which leads me to believe that it isn't because I pay him. It is genuine. It throws me off..completely. Every time I throw a little more information out there I think "well this is the one that will finish him off.." and then nothing...just the same demeanor without a hint of frustration or disdain. What the hell? AND...even worse, he treats me with respect and has done so since the beginning. It isn't something I have had to fight for which is not usual...I don't have people in my life that usually start out treating you with respect..you have to earn it and their expectations are always so high you never get there. I thought that was the norm. I am finding out now that everyone is worthy of respect until proven otherwise. Crazy and I am completely thrown off.
My whole life has been secrets and alibies. It was necessary for survival. I am growing less agreeable to that lifestyle. It hurts my heart to think of all the time and energy I have spent dealing with other people's actions. I guess I am just now figuring out I don't have to do it alone ??? I don't know but it throws me off... In a good way, but it throws me off and makes me think about how different things can be.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Rumors - your T knows more than likely that you are just beginning to release secrets and are now trying to be honest (non-secretive) about your history. So much energy, yes, to pretend through my words and actions to cover up what for me just would not stay down and covered up. Your T sees more than likely that you are working your butt off in sessions. I have same thoughts about my therapist (EMDR) and he one day a few weeks ago said "You'll quit me before I'll ever quit you." I asked for more understanding? And psychologist/EMDR Specialist said - "I am here for the long haul." And I know there's no guarantee that all these conditions i.e. his health, mine, insurance, so many variables that could change in an instant (politics also effecting coverage). So @Rumors being older - I must for my sanity and mental health work as hard as I can in T to change my brain and try to tell the awful (sickening) truths of my trauma in order for EMDR technique to work. @Rumors my T is not getting a boatload of insurance monies from my insurance, either. My T cares too more about me, just as it sounds your T is in working recovering relationship with you too, for more than the amount of monies T receives. (Hugs) and I care. JadesJewel

 

[Bristol]

I see my therapist once a week. There are some weeks I feel like I need to be there daily though..lol. H...

I totally get this you just explained my approach to T, each session is a learning curve, everytime she texts or calls i think she is dumping me lol glad im not alone in this!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I totally get this you just explained my approach to T, each session is a learning curve, everytime she texts or calls i think she is dumping me lol glad im not alone in this!

@Bristol and @Rumors - today is 8th EMDR session; I always enter dr.'s office feeling like "I'm not worthy" and feeling like such a burden, and my brain is lying to me - so tries to get me to give-up. Fighting now for my life; so I - misperceiving signals - ask dr. to reaffirm his commitment to helping me with trauma, and he said, "You'll quit before I quit." He has said he will never give up on me. So telling my brain to - shut the ummphh up! Peace and Love. JadesJewel

 

[mrsmegan]

I am right there with you and I have had this conversation with my T countless times. I feel like I am close to that final acceptance of T truly caring, that is really is a safe relationship. He said to me last week that I need to accept what it feels like to be truly cared for in this horrible places - I recoiled at that - while at the same time felt like I wanted to hold on to that forever.

We will get there... I truly believe we will.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I am right there with you and I have had this conversation with my T countless times. I feel like I am...

@mrsmegan - we're on our way, and on the right path in recovery; and because of this marvelous forum - we will never ever be alone again with ptsd. Peace and Love. JadesJewel

 

[Rumors]

Thank you for responding. It seems overwhelming that someone can be that patient and kind. It's not that my mom wasn't growing up, but she had so much of her own stuff to deal with I just always felt like a burden so I just locked everything up inside. Anyway, it is just a learning experience I guess. I have always felt so disconnected from other people and different that I thought that was normal. Now I am figuring out I really have no clue how to navigate relationships.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I stumbled upon our local sexual and domestic abuse shelter many years after the abuse(s) and learned they offer free counseling. I found them to be the most caring and genuine feeling I've encountered. I sat their and just balled for almost the whole first session in deep gratitude. Finally, a safe space to feel understood in.

I dealt with years of trying to find a good T who was covered by insurance and had the abuse issues blatantly overlooked by most. They'd go straight to anxiety, depression, or adhd speak regarding meds and such and would totally, and what felt like purposely, omit any discussion of ptsd.

But I still feel guilty when I go, like I'm taking up time from others who may be in more immediate danger, or I'm wasting the counselor's time, or have the old feelings of not wanting to expose too much of what I perceive to be my weakness, etc. Working on getting those trains of thought redirected to a more nurturing track. Grateful for the opportunity. Thanks for starting this thread.