Stella Maris
New Here
Hello there.
Before I start, I´d like to point out that English is not my mother tongue, I hope I´ll still pass the "editing test".
Im a 28 year old university graduate.
I survived a childhood of neglect, sexual and emotional abuse and cruelty -my mother is an alcoholic and traumatised herself- , I survived two horrible car accidents and 28 years of insomnia.
I recently earned my master´s degree, only to realize that in these 28 years, when I was trying so hard to function and perform like everyone else, just like all these things hadn´t happened, despite of suffering from anxiety almost all the time and mostly being depressed, I haven´t done anything to pursue my own dreams. Instead I endured 8 years of painful studying, learning something that I´m not interested in, just because the exhaustion that came along with it, was obviously easier to cope with than failing in fulfilling my dreams.
I´ve been doing psychotherapy for six years now, not regularly though and I thought I had made some progress, but I must admit, that even in this time I had extreme ups and downs, rather downs.
Last year, when I was writing my diploma thesis under big pressure, I began to get crazier and crazier. The insomnia and exhaustion got even worse as usual, I hated & dreaded my professor and the occasional visits at the university to a fanatic extent, I experienced extreme hypervigilance, had terrible outbursts of anger and cut out all hobbies and leisure time activities in order to finish my diploma. Further I had emotional flashbacks, experiencing feelings which were not appropriate at given situations. I remember an afternoon for example, when I was standing in front of the National Library, where I wanted to do some research for my diploma thesis and I felt almost exactly like 4 years earlier when my father had had a severe heart attack.
Being caught up in this downward spiral, I was afraid that my condition was already too bad to improve suddenly, still I somehow hoped that with passing my graduation I´d soon get better. Immediately after my graduation, my boyfriend and me moved in together, after one more week of terrible stress due to moving, refurbishing etc.
This was almost 3 months ago now. Since then I got more and more depressed, I´m never relaxed and my boyfriend isn´t either. He is a very understanding person, but my condition takes its toll on him, too.
I crawled out so many times of depression and fear, even though I never really recovered. It was never this bad without any "appropriate" catastrophe preceding, all the bad things that happened, happened long ago. I am so tired of having to climb that mountain again and again. Each time I thought, "this time I finally made it". It is hard to still believe in recovery.
Also when I was younger I was hoping for a bright future, I wanted to be successfull and live my dream (in terms of career), but I just keep procrastinating things I like because I am too afraid. I am almost 30 by now and now I feel that I wasted my time and it´s too late. Even more so, because the plans and dreams I had require serious commitment and belief in yourself. I lack this belief completely.
For everyone who read until here, thank you for reading this monster post :rolleyes:
What do you think?
Did you accomplish something in your life later than others did, when it was very unlikely you were going to still make it?
Before I start, I´d like to point out that English is not my mother tongue, I hope I´ll still pass the "editing test".
Im a 28 year old university graduate.
I survived a childhood of neglect, sexual and emotional abuse and cruelty -my mother is an alcoholic and traumatised herself- , I survived two horrible car accidents and 28 years of insomnia.
I recently earned my master´s degree, only to realize that in these 28 years, when I was trying so hard to function and perform like everyone else, just like all these things hadn´t happened, despite of suffering from anxiety almost all the time and mostly being depressed, I haven´t done anything to pursue my own dreams. Instead I endured 8 years of painful studying, learning something that I´m not interested in, just because the exhaustion that came along with it, was obviously easier to cope with than failing in fulfilling my dreams.
I´ve been doing psychotherapy for six years now, not regularly though and I thought I had made some progress, but I must admit, that even in this time I had extreme ups and downs, rather downs.
Last year, when I was writing my diploma thesis under big pressure, I began to get crazier and crazier. The insomnia and exhaustion got even worse as usual, I hated & dreaded my professor and the occasional visits at the university to a fanatic extent, I experienced extreme hypervigilance, had terrible outbursts of anger and cut out all hobbies and leisure time activities in order to finish my diploma. Further I had emotional flashbacks, experiencing feelings which were not appropriate at given situations. I remember an afternoon for example, when I was standing in front of the National Library, where I wanted to do some research for my diploma thesis and I felt almost exactly like 4 years earlier when my father had had a severe heart attack.
Being caught up in this downward spiral, I was afraid that my condition was already too bad to improve suddenly, still I somehow hoped that with passing my graduation I´d soon get better. Immediately after my graduation, my boyfriend and me moved in together, after one more week of terrible stress due to moving, refurbishing etc.
This was almost 3 months ago now. Since then I got more and more depressed, I´m never relaxed and my boyfriend isn´t either. He is a very understanding person, but my condition takes its toll on him, too.
I crawled out so many times of depression and fear, even though I never really recovered. It was never this bad without any "appropriate" catastrophe preceding, all the bad things that happened, happened long ago. I am so tired of having to climb that mountain again and again. Each time I thought, "this time I finally made it". It is hard to still believe in recovery.
Also when I was younger I was hoping for a bright future, I wanted to be successfull and live my dream (in terms of career), but I just keep procrastinating things I like because I am too afraid. I am almost 30 by now and now I feel that I wasted my time and it´s too late. Even more so, because the plans and dreams I had require serious commitment and belief in yourself. I lack this belief completely.
For everyone who read until here, thank you for reading this monster post :rolleyes:
What do you think?
Did you accomplish something in your life later than others did, when it was very unlikely you were going to still make it?
