Time Lock.

[Go Hungry]

Something that's been bothering me a lot lately is that I'm getting older. I'm pushing 40 now, but I don't feel like I should be. I feel younger, and certainly behave younger... or at least younger than I think I 'should' by societal standards.

I'm rebuilding my life after a failed marriage, so I can use that excuse for being poor and living in a studio apartment while paying off debts... but.. only for so long. I don't know if I'm having a midlife crisis, or this is a normal part of growing up, but that brings me to the question.

Am I locked in time? My primary trauma began when I was 9 years old (it's kinda hazy) and lasted for 7 years. During that time I was extremely immature, horribly so... While the other kids were developing normally, I was like I stuck as a 9 year old (emotionally) for a very long time. (Honestly, considering that there is a perpetual 12-yr old split living inside my head only complicates matters.)

But it's like I've always been behind the times. When I was 13 I acted like a 9 yr old. When I was 18 I acted like a 13 year old (holy shit was that embarrassing) and now... Now I feel like I'm just finally starting to catch up as a very late blooming 30 yr old. My career is certainly 10 years out of date... I'm just now stable enough to try and go out for an admin asst position that most people have nailed down at 25.

It's really getting to be a problem, because a lot of people I know have dim opinions of me as a... well, a loser. I'm not a loser, I'm just... challenged. And I'm doing a damn good job of beating those challenges lately but... Is it too late? Is there still time left, or did I miss the boat? Is there going to be another boat maybe?

Does anybody else have any experience with this sort of thing? :confused:

 

[garden]

I have experienced being a bit immature emotionally, but I have not been able to name it, or really understand why. Like you, I have developmental trauma, and I can only speculate that it was the trauma that kind of messed with my maturity and development, but who knows for sure. Would I be this way had I not been traumatized in early childhood? Can't really answer that.

It's never too late...I know that is a cliche, but it really isn't. Whose timeline is it that says by this time in your life you should have nailed these things down... Life isn't really that predictable for most of us, especially when we have the challenge of a diagnosis like PTSD. It sounds like you are being hard on yourself. Your timeline is yours, and Billy's (picked a random name) timeline is his... We are far too unique to be comparing ourselves to others. Every snowflake that falls from the sky is unique, imagine how much more unique each human being on this earth is, I mean we are the most complex creatures here.

You're not a loser. You have been doing a "damn good job of beating those challenges lately", and that my friend is progress. :)

 

[The Albatross]

*Raises her hand*... yup, I like when you share, "I'm not a loser, I'm just... challenged." Me too. I'm fixing to be 55 and I don't feel mental/emotionally near that age. But then most all of the people I know (outside of the forum) haven't walked in my shoes either. I'm glad you can acknowledge that you're improving and getting good with your challenges. If/when I mention "challenges" many people have no idea what I'm talking about. But people here do.

As I reached a sense of competency with goal/challenges... things started leveling out fairly quickly. I have closed a lot of the maturity gap and am actually considered to be quite cool in a crisis or adversity. Go figure.

Keep up the good work it is worth it and frankly, people at work don't matter much anyways but get that paycheck and keep looking for your personal and character improvements. They are not like your job (your improvements)... they are "for keeps".

 

[Candleflames]

I know that missed the boat feeling all too well. I was ready to throw up my hands and say "ok Goddess ready to go. I did my job and procreated now I'm too old for anything else." Instead I let my doc talk me into going back to school with just an inkling of what I'd like to do. I walked into that classroom feeling like I was washed up and wasting everyone's time but it turns out I wasn't.

In fact about a third of the class was over 35. We were all starting something new. One guy just up and decided he hated corporate America and wanted to help people so was studying to be a doctor at 40 years old. I'm starting with a biology degree and will figure out the next step when I get closer to it. It's not too late to move a career forward or to even start something entirely new. No one has to be at any particular spot at any given time.

As far as feeling younger than you chronological age. I know that feeling. I hear from people that I am too old to be interested in/ listen too/ dress like/ go to clubs and blah blah f*cking blah. If I want to dress like a 25 year old clubbing goth girl have purple hair and listen to industrial music in my middle aged body while driving my minivan and three (not so little) kids in tow, than so be it.

Whatever your age, make yours and not what someone out there says it should be.

 

[Neverthesame]

I don't feel older than I used to either. I still think I am 19, my body is beginning to tell me otherwise. But mostly I just lose time.

I don't understand how so many years can zip by without me knowing where it went. I have begun to hate any holidays or events that remind me of the passage of time. I find it depressing.

One thing I have noticed though, and this is not meant to be rude in any way @Go Hungry. It has been my experience that quite a few people never mature past 12. Sure, they get better jobs, house, mortgage, car, spouse, kids. But they still act like bratty little kids themselves. I think maturity comes from looking inward and choosing to grow. Something one make a conscious choice to do. Not something that just happens.

 

[Go Hungry]

Lol... @Neverthesame .. Well, I know that at least some of me is older than 12.. But I know what you are saying. I deal with customers all the time who apparently think the world revolves around them, and I've seen a lot of childish stunts from these folks. I remember once at a little league game they had to call the police because one of the coaches climbed up a tree and started screaming when they tried to kick him out of the game for cussing at the kids. And more power to you @Candleflames .. rock those fishnets girl!

Thanks, guys.. Yeah, I'm always of two minds on things. Right now I feel good.. :)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Is there still time left, or did I miss the boat? Is there going to be another boat maybe?

Seriously, you are a youngin'.:hug::clown:
People who became successful after 40:

*Tommy Lee Jones -Actor (Men in Black ect)
*Willie Nelson- (Singer, artist, guitar player,ect
*Simon Cowell (Idol guy)
*Morgan Freeman (Actor- movies too many to name)
*Albert Einstein
*our President (hold your breath...lol)

find here....
Link Removed

I have bunches of stories, but bottom line...what do you think about you?
We think you are awesome, btw...so let's build that ship and see her sail true.

 

[Dana1010]

When I was 18 I acted like a 13 year old (holy shit was that embarrassing)

Hahaha. When I was 21, I had the social development of a five year old due to being isolated and friendless my whole life. I mean cognitively I was probably 21, but socially? I couldn't get through one day without embarrassing myself, and let me tell you, most people are not sensitive towards the socially awkward--talk about looks that kill. There was this one coworker I had--you would have thought someone was paying her to make me hate myself.

Anyway, this is a good topic. I was just musing that I feel stuck in adolescence or in some forlorn pursuit of it all the time. It's that period of 15-22 that still enchants me for some reason. It was massively painful and embarrassing to not have friends or any social life during that period. I obsessed night and day--"Why can't I have that? Why can't I have that?" I don't think I can even watch a teen movie to this day without falling into a depression. I theorize that maybe it's rooted in evolution--those are the years of prime reproductive fitness, so if you miss out, it's sort of a procreative survival issue. I know that period is generally idealized, but for me it's like I really feel stuck, like I cannot move forward without getting back there and getting what was robbed from me. I don't think people around me can tell this about me, but I wish I could wake up in a sixteen year old's body in a big house somewhere far away with two normal parents and a big group of friends and go to house parties and drink beer in plastic cups.

I know that if I view myself through other people's calculus I would be a big loser, and it's probably chronologically too late to do anything about that. But perhaps it's not too late to stop caring.

 

[Go Hungry]

@Dana1010 I'm right there with you. I was also really socially awkward back when I was a kid. Hell, I still am now. And yes, people despised me for it.

The thing is, looking back now I realize that I had friends when I was a kid, some really good ones, in fact. But I didn't appreciate them. The only thing I could think of was the ones who hated me; and my primary abuser who I could never get away from. And it wasn't until he left, when I was 16 that I finally started to blossom as a human being. I went from a D student to straight A's almost overnight. I now had lots of friends, really good ones... Even a girlfriend, which I never thought possible. We were a swarm of misfits, and it was great.

And then when I got to college I fell in with the other nerds, and it was even better. I was finally free of that horrid redneck town where I grew up. That's the time that I really miss, that first go-round of college. I was a young god (can anyone say bipolar? :wacky:) having the time of my life. It's only in recent months that I've stopped wishing I was back in time.

The real truth of the matter, the real reason that this has me so worried.. it's girls. I live in the South, so it's primarily conservative, middle class values that I'm up against. The women my own age don't seem to want a guy who is broke, diabetic and lives in a studio apartment. Nevermind the dissociation, agoraphobia, alcoholism, a deathly fear of children, and brain damage. (Not that I tell them about those things...) They want a well established man, a true blue Winner. The only ones who might seem to overlook those negative qualities are younger women who are just starting out themselves, and strangely, they aren't in the market for middle-aged guys... Go figure.

I mean, I probably don't really need a woman in my life at this point, but.. you know... urges. I lost 10 of my prime reproductive years in a sexless marriage to a woman I was too scared to leave.. I just feel kinda lost.

 

[The Albatross]

Felt a twinge when you remarked about losing your prime reproductive years in a sexless marriage (hit's a bit to close to home... my problem not my spouses) but also living in the South, i'd say... that I'd stick to the reality of being broke, diabetic and living in a studio apartment rather than chalking it up to conservative/middle class values that you're up against. You're improvements, goal/challenges and personal growth will get you back in the game and as you get some of that good old "post traumatic growth" things will look much better in due course. I believe it. It could happen.

 

[Go Hungry]

@The Albatross ... Yeah, I know. I'm the only one that can fix my situation.. It's just.. blah. That's the problem with cultural studies.. You find out that value systems differ across the world and sometimes you wish you could escape the area that you're in. At least I do. I don't fit in too well with the atmosphere sometimes. But anyway, yes.. definitely increasing my personal value is the way to go. And if I work things right, there may be a promotion in the future will which go toward that. :)