Tired Of The Same Old Ups And Downs

[skye]

Everything is going fine for a while, then here I am again. I keep seeing the same old images, feelings, and having the same old thoughts of doing harmful things to myself. I want to take enough medication to be on the edge of death, but I don't want to die. My children are too young to be left with their idiot fathers. I couldn't do that to them. I can't get out of bed without my medication, I have no energy without them. Some days I take more then I should. To be truthful, a lot of days I do. I get so mad that I do this, but it's the only way I feel I can get up and get what needs to be done completed. Now I am afraid I will run out of my medication before I can get a refill. This just makes me more depressed. I have been thinking about all the times I tried to fall over the edge...tried to take just enough medication or drugs to tempt death to take me. I feel so separated, so lost in my other world of now and then.

I have been off the forum for quite sometime and now it seems that everyone I used to talk to is gone. I have a great boyfriend now, but I don't want to add to his stress. I just need to shake how I am feeling and I can't.

skye

 

[skye]

Sorry about the negativity and boring post I made I understand why there was no replies.

Skye

 

[Iam]

Welcome back to the forum Skye.
Your post was not boring and it was no more negative than most of our posts and a lot less negative than many. Sunday afternoons are slow on here. I am sorry for the ups and downs you go thru. I do too. Everything can be going along fine and then bam, I'm stuck in a downward spiral. It's so hard to stop the negative tapes from playing. It takes so much conscious effort that it's exhausting.

It seems that you know the patterns and that you do come out of them. Are you seeing a T?

I find that distraction helps me pull out. Forcing myself to do something that will make me feel better. Whether it be going out with a friend, listening to uplifting music or getting something done around the house that will give me a feeling of accomplishment.

Good luck and keep posting. You know from experience that we are here to support eachother.

 

[Jawn]

Welcome back Skye.

Jawn

 

[seraphimfelldown]

Hey Skye,
I'm a bit naughty with my pills too. I ask the chemist/pharmacy to only give me a weeks worth at a time. So then if I'm too greedy its only a few days instead of (my record without pills cos i stuffed it up) of 11. I still run short every week. But it seems less cos its not all in a big row. I hope this helps.

Welcome back to the forum

 

[jude]

Hello skye. I know exactly how you feel about the ups and downs. I can be going along fine and then boom....things start hitting me out of nowhere. I am tired of it. We do have to go on with life and the bad times do lessen. It really is a puzzle to me why it is so back and forth though. I really hope you will seek therapy. I am in it now and I do think it will help.
Hang in there!

 

[bluecat]

Hi Skye :)

thats why you're here, for support with and discussing all the crap PTSD can dish out. I've posted plenty of my negative posts, you deserve yours to be heard too.

I noticed this 'up and down' pattern before as well. I discussed it with my therapist and she pointed out the ways in which each returning 'down' was different, in what ways I improved my coping since the last time, how I integrated things in a more manageble way etc. She calls it the spiral of recovery. Basically, you keep going back to the trauma and every time you have to deal with something that was unresolved and then you come back, feel good, live your life and then you go back again and use the skills you gained in the meantime to deal with more of the crap...

Its a drag, but when I was thinking about it, over the years (I've been diagnosed for 8 yrs but probably had PTSD long before) I did make progress. Even if they're still awful and overwhelming, the downs are objectively on the upward scale. It is a spiral, even if it doesn't feel like it when you're down and the cycle widens and the pain gets less intense with each pass. One day the cycle will be so wide, you won't get another one in your life :)

It helps me thinking about it this way, makes it more manageble and I also believe that its true.

Hope you're back to feeling good soon and also, your kids are so lucky to have you for mom!

Bluecat

 

[cdnleaf]

Hello, I recently wrote a topic on my blog / link at my profile home page on my experience in dealing with feelings. For me sometimes it's a matter of giving the feelings some space and acknowledgement, than trying to make them away with medication and self injury. Thanks for sharing your situation, you're definitely not alone.

 

[Tinyflame]

Cndleaf, how (where) is this found?
-Thanks