Tired Of Tired

[Senecia]

I was notified the other day that, after three months or so of not working, I'll be working this weekend to cover some coworkers. Its like the anxiety almost went into hibernation because of how good I was at avoiding stressors. BOOM. I feel it coursing through my veins, all over again. Suddenly what is muscle memory (I'm a cashier) seems impossible... As if it is again my first day. Quiet, nervous me. Trying to fit in and tell them what I like, what I do in my spare time...
That's not to say I didnt have any anxiety while not working. I surely did. But the thought of going back is already making me shake. Meh... Oh well, right? I'll work and be done. Done it before, I'll do it again.

I've been super on edge lately. I have a few good moments. I had lots today (yay me), but it seems that most of the time, I'm either depressed, anxious, or both. I've snapped more often about silly things. My fiance and I talked about it a little tonight. He said he finds it impressive how well I handle it...how I can feel so horrible, and feel so out of control when panicking, but its so well concealed. And I find the will to keep going... Somehow.
It made me feel like a warrior. A different kind, but still a warrior. Its not that I have to keep going, it's that I choose to because I want to. I want to get better, even though I'm in a pit of despair and hopelessness.

Every day I live in fear of stupid things. I fear I'll never get my driver's license because of my panic. In practice, he says I drive great, that I handle everything well. All the while my mind is chaos. Every week I struggle to decide whether or not I should go to therapy, simply because I have to bus alone. I feel so afraid all the time. I feel I'll never live "normally" and be able to just have a house or apartment in peace. I wish it would all go away. I sometimes even wish it could be easy, and I could be provided for, but there is the shame that comes with that. Cowardice. I wish I wish I wish...

 

[shimmerz]

Its not that I have to keep going, it's that I choose to because I want to. I want to get better,

Such a great feeling..... :hug::hug:

 

[illusionist]

You keep a tight hold of those words " I want to ".......every time you doubt why or how you are doing all these things that cause you anxiety, bring those words to the front of your mind, keep repeating them. The only way you are going to get to where you want/ deserve to be is by dealing with all these things. It is hard, I know.....what you describe is how I used to live my daily life, it's bloody awful! The more I did them, and applied my coping skills the easier it become....encourage that fighting spirit, listen and believe what your partner is saying. Take note of things you do, even the smallest of things.....making a customer smile, getting all your duties done on time, a customer interacting with you.....make yourself aware of all the positive things you do and tell yourself " I did that"....tell yourself day in , and day out. You will see and start believing which then builds you up to do the things you think you are not capable of at the moment....to being able to do them.

You are no coward.....you are fighting this and looking for answers which says an awful lot about you, in a positive way.

 

[Tanishq]

Cowardice.

Warrior can never be coward. I think you are recognizing what are you feeling and that's shame. Try to search for this negative shame's root, who knows solution might be there. Food for thought.

 

[The Albatross]

Take note of things you do, even the smallest of things.....making a customer smile, getting all your duties done on time, a customer interacting with you.....make yourself aware of all the positive things you do and tell yourself " I did that"....tell yourself day in , and day out. You will see and start believing which then builds you up to do the things you think you are not capable of at the moment....to being able to do them.

Belief was a lofty thing for me... but this is a solid point Richter shared. I began to focus more on new and better experiences and as they added up and I journaled or discussed them with peer support people they began to over-write the older less beneficial mental/emotional stuff. For me it was lack of confidence rather than cowardice... but to get confidence, I set up goals/challenges, and did a independent study to get some. That helped me a lot because I began being able to self actualize and sustain my effort more.

 

[Go Hungry]

I'm agreement with the others. This isn't cowardice. At all. Cowardice is.. well, it's like.. if you utterly denied your feelings, and didn't try to deal with them in any way, that would be cowardice. Even the act of coming to this forum and writing these feelings down is bravery. Plus keep in mind, that bravery itself utterly cannot exist without fear. And yes, The Fear challenges us in ways that normal folks don't experience that often, but those challenges can be overcome, piece by tiny piece. Any work towards improvement, even "just" practice driving.. all that takes courage, you see? For some others it might be the easiest thing in the world, for us it can seem to be a mountain. But you're doing it, aren't you? Even if you're not quite ready to go for the license just yet, the practice couldn't be happening without courage.

Personally, though a lot of the world might not recognize it, we are some of the most courageous people on the planet. That includes you. Like @The Albatross said, doing the hard work (which you're already doing) is what will aide you most in meeting those challenges.

Keep up the good work, cause you're already doing it. :)