Relationship Tired With Ptsd - Why Do I Get To See This Side And Others See A Happy Husband :o(

[Sunshine71]

I am just so tired.

Tired of the ups and downs.

Hubby has been fine for a while. Some ups and downs and that have blown over - so another day of no blackness. Horah.

We have made friends with a lovely couple and their son is the same age as our son. Really lovely people that have recently become better friends.

The guy came to collect his son from our house and my hubby was bubbly, funny and smiling.

I felt envious of our friend - this normal really good guy chatting away. How do I know - but I imagine no PTSD!! It was great to see hubby chatting away.

The friend took his son home after 30 mins - and hubby slumped.

I had to get my son ready for bed, read to him, logg my PC off - and hubby just goes to bed without even saying goodnight.

He studied today, we went to the gym in the morning which was lovely. He felt tired and had a nap while I was working hard non stop to bring in £'s to pay the bills. I stopped to make us all some dinner. Thats it!

I am tired.

And hurt that I see the husband with PTSD and everyone else sees the fun guy that I first met.

Anyone else see this is their partner?

Sorry for sounding down - Just very tired with it all.....

 

[ISupportHer]

(((((HUGS)))))

I know this feeling all to well. It is hard to believe that it has been 5 years since the first admission and my awareness of the extent of the problem.

I will just share that I have come to allow myself an occasional slump. And believe me "slump" is an understatement. I once read here on the forum of one person telling another that we have to remember that we are human. We hurt too. So, although I don't enjoy the down times, I have come to know that I can "dig out" on the other side. That I allow myself some time to be down. To grieve on occasion.

The key is to try to learn not to let the "downs" be sustained. We all have to find what works to "dig out". Some times it is just seeing that after the ups and downs over and over, there is at least a little up. You just have to look close sometimes.

ISH

 

[Toria]

Hello - yes, I see it. All the time. He can be "fine" on family visits, talking to our neighbours (most of the time - although one side do know what's going on) and even with doctors. He seems to save the worst for home - whether that is because he feels safe to let it all go at home or what I do not know. But yes, I have the pangs of "that's the man I married" and it does hurt a lot.

 

[Nicolette]

Toria the people closest to the sufferer are the ones which require the most 'effort'. The reason for this is that the relationship means something and things have more consequences. If your hubby cheeses off a neighbor he can walk inside and forget about it as in the whole scheme of things, the neighbor means little. If it were you there are greater consequences and even just making sure he doesn't say something wrong towards you can take more effort than what one without PTSD can, at times, envisage.

I find it very hurtful when Anthony chats to others like he is the happiest person on earth, the door closes, and he doesn't say boo to me because he is unwell. Thankfully that is becoming a rarity but I have walked that road. Even telling myself the reasons doesn't take away the pain.

Sunshine71.... it is hard I know but you have to treasure the times like the gym and become accustomed to them having consequences like the slump back at home. Encourage the good behavior and make it a point. While, in your world you do more, and you are tired, it is hard to digest that in the world of PTSD doing less can be just as tiresome.

Don't let bad habits occur - IMHO I would be saying "I understand you get tired and you need to go to bed. That is fine. I do however expect you to say goodnight to me". Work on the little things, encourage the good and promote exercise and social behavior. It's taken me over 4 years but my husband, through his desire and mine, that he is now a much better person despite having PTSD.

Not all PTSD Sufferers can or are willing to change but you have to at least try and if you're not happy then things will always be harder to deal with so work on what you think are reasonable boundaries. Also try to get your point across as precisely as possible, let it sink in, give it time to work and do it when you are not feeling tired or resentful. That is the only advise I can share which has worked for me.

 

[IvyMillie]

Oh yes yes yes!! Oh this used to drive me totally crazy. Everyone else knows my husband as charming and outgoing. He is a totally different person with me. What really amazes me is how when he is around others he will just have the most amazing stories to tell. I mean something that happened last week. I'll then think to myself "why didn't he tell me that?" When he gets home from work he doesn't like to talk. He sits in front of the news and eats his dinner. He is just rarely in the mood to talk to me about anything. I've learned if he isn't talkative to not push it. However, around others it's a whole other story.

This is terrible but sometimes it really hurts my feelings when he will do something nice for someone else. I mean I want him to be nice. However, I sort of thought, well he isn't thoughtful to me because he doesn't know how to be. Hmmmm then when that isn't really the case.

He is a very social person (actually more than I am). He often complains that I don't entertain etc. I probably would more if he would offer to help. However, he leaves it all up to me. I just can't handle all of that. I thought well he can't help me or organize anything because he is incapable. Then he started golfing. He sure managed to coordinate a group of guys going together and getting the tee time.

It is very weird that they can be so wonderful to other people and not to us. I actually thought as another excuse to his behavior as it might be because of his age. He is in his 60's and that generation men were very dominant and the women were extremely subservient. I'm alot younger, so I'm sadly from a generation of women that expect a bit more out of men. Then I thought it was because his dad wasn't nice to his mother. Then I thought since he was from the Vietnam war I remember reading that one symptom men had coming back was that they had developed a real negative view of women.

So is this also a symptom of PTSD? They are charming to others--that they have no obligation to and not as nice to their wives and family?

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hey IvyMillie,

Just offering my thoughts to you............

Isn't jealousy just one of the worst headsh*t things. Why can't I have that nice cheerful smile and good eye contact? Why do I resent it when he can put on the act for others?

How did I get to understand how much effort it takes my hubby to be able to do that? Only when I reflect on how very bad things used to be ie when my husband wouldn't look at anybody, he would only look at the floor, adopt the foetal position and be totally closed off. Being unable to answer the door, or the phone, scared of letters coming through the door. Very dark times. This is why, so often, I find myself saying it takes tons of patience whilst we learn about this rollercoaster.

Sounds like your hubby made a huge effort when you first met. Maybe it's the season for him to be out playing golf and you could be pleased about that and when he's rested from that event you can plan a day that the two of you would enjoy.

I'm guessing here but entertaining at home would be very stressful and inviting people home is not something my hubby would be able to cope with. The only people who visit are close family and that's always time limited to approx 1 hour max.

LH

 

[Toria]

Thank you Nicolette for the insight - you (meaning I) really do learn something new every day on here. I guess it's just putting a different perspective on it - like Ladyhope Somerset has done. Not necessarily any less upsetting when your nerves are frazzled and frayed but things are easier to accept when they have a reason behind them - thank you.

 

[IvyMillie]

It is hard for me at times. However, anymore I just figure well if we are with others at least he appears to be happy--so that is a good thing. When I hear a new story for the first time as he is telling someone else I've just tried to accept it. As with all of us, sometimes it's easier to handle than other times.

It might relate to how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling low and neglected it probably hurts me more. When I'm feeling okay it's probably all right. I still at times feel needy--and that is the worst ever. That's probably when it bothers me the most.

I think when I have friends to talk to, and this forum now will help me be less needy. I sure hope so. Then his ups and downs won't affect me as much. It's hard to cope when you get to that really dark place when you feel so alone. Then his friendliness to others and unfrienliness towards me makes me feel neglected and rejected.

I like the thought of teaching in a way for better behavior. I can't do too much of that. However, when he is in one of his super super bad moods I physically remove myself and go in my room and do my own thing in my office. I guess it's the only way I can let him know I don't want to be around him when he is like that. It is my safety mechanism. Also, it's my hint that I don't want to be around you when you are like that.