Tired

[maro]

Hi I am a 55 year old woman. My son killed himself with a train almost 10 years ago. It is terrible, to the outside world I am ok. I don't share this info with anyone at work or people I just meet-I keep to myself a lot. My family and a few good friends know my story. But I can't seem to go forward with life, and I am FINALLY at the point in my life I just want to know how to somehow live again.

I feel I have PTSD. I can't look at a train. I live with extreme guilt everyday of my life and the thoughts oh the thoughts of his final moments still can bring me to my knees. I am always at a hightned state of alert and I am even getting tired just writing this.

I havn't read any of your storied yet and just want to say I feel for anyone going through this. It is hell and at times I feel there is no way to get out and I am stuck in this hell forever.

 

[anthony]

Hi Maro,

Welcome to the forum.

Why do you live with guilt every day? What makes you say that?

 

[maro]

Thank you Anthony-and thank you for this place to come and not feel alone.

Oh the guilt it is a long long story-but long story short-he was 21, bipolar, I moved 2 hours away (felt in my heart I shouldn;t but I did-was hoping he would follow. Anyway he was doing really well and then had a relapse and I believe in my heart this wouldn't have happened if I was there. :(

 

[AliveInside]

Maro, I am very sorry for your pain and loss. I don't know what might have happened but I do know that you are alive right now, this very moment living your life and you have many opportunities to help others and touch their lives in a positive way. I joined this site just 2 days ago and it is full of compassionate, sweet and accepting people. Sharing the painful past in my opinion is a first step towards acceptance and moving forward. You've just joined a very helpful and thoughtful community. This is a safe place for self reflection and growth in my experience.

 

[anthony]

I moved 2 hours away

Why did you move 2 hours away?

Anyway he was doing really well and then had a relapse and I believe in my heart this wouldn't have happened if I was there. :(

How would you have stopped a bipolar having a relapse by being their?

 

[maro]

Thank you so much Alivelnside. I want to give to others and be helpful but I find it very hard, I remember when I always wanted to help now I am so numb a lot of the time I find it hard. I am glad I found this forum and am hopeful. Can I ask about your story and what brought you here?

 

[maro]

Anthony, going through divorce moved closer to sister.
I wouldn't have stopped the relapse but if I lived by him he would have moved home and would have had a chance to get well.

 

[AliveInside]

Thank you so much Alivelnside. I want to give to others and be helpful but I find it very hard, I remember when I always wanted to help now I am so numb a lot of the time I find it hard. I am glad I found this forum and am hopeful. Can I ask about your story and what brought you here?

I was disfigured in a car accident at age 17. I have trouble not getting angry about the stares and sometimes rude comments from insensitive people. I wrestle with self loathing and "what could have been" a lot too. I'm finding alot of wonderful people here helping me reconnect with my fondness of others.

 

[maro]

I am sooo sorry. People can be so insensitive. I am so glad you found this site. You sound that like me some part of you wants to 'live again.' To get through the pain. Do you remember the movie 'Mask' (I think) with Cher and her son had some kind of disfiguration-I admired him sooo much he just went about his life and didn't care one bit about what people said-I know that was a movie but I guess what I am saying we have to live for ourselves the hell with those who are ignorant. If I am not making sense or this is not helping I am sorry. I'm not real sure if what I say to anyone will help or make worse.

 

[AliveInside]

i did see that movie and enjoyed it as a kid< I appreciate you encouraging words maro. Look around the forums read some peoples stoires dive in, it helps, I promise!

 

[anthony]

Anthony, going through divorce moved closer to sister.

Ok, so there is the reason why you moved, which is legitimate and you must be responsible for taking care of yourself first, so you can care for others. Correct?

Was your son still living with his father at the time?

if I lived by him he would have moved home and would have had a chance to get well.

How do you conclude this assumption?

 

[maro]

Actually it was a stupid decision I made during a really difficult time. No he was not living with his father-his real father also committed suicide when my son was 3. He had really good friends but no no father. His step-father was out of the picture. And it might seem like an assumption-but as his mom I know he would have moved back home, he was stressed. I can't do this anymore tonite. Thank you so much and I will come back to this board again. It is late and if I think too much of this I will be up all nite.