Relationship Tired

[smdc]

I broke up with my combat vet yesterday via text (never thought I would do that - so classy). He's basically cut off all communication between us so I didn't have a choice. The saddest part is that if he would have just told me he needed space or that he was going through something, I can honestly say I would have stuck around. What I can conclude from all of this (or for my own sanity, at the very least) is that he wanted the comfort and intimacy of a relationship but he really wasn't ready for one. I think I knew this as well but I didn't want to believe it.

He told me he had mild ptsd during our first date and that he was seeing a therapist. As a psychology grad who was going to pursue a career in the mental health field, I thought I had a good handle on what I was in for, especially considering he said it was under control. In truth, that was very naive of me. What I knew didn't even touch the surface of what he was going through. I pride myself in being a very perceptive person but there were so many instances that I'm looking back on now that seem so much clearer after the fact. Hindsight is 20-20 after all.

In my heart, I know that he would be worth it but my mind is telling me to be practical. I've known him for 4 and a half months now but we've only been together for a month and a half - 3 weeks of which were amazing and 3 weeks in which he's dropped off the face of the planet. He never told me anything. He just stopped returning my calls, wouldn't respond to texts, and wouldn't open Facebook messages. He was still active on Facebook though. I've read enough on here where I can understand why he'd be okay talking to his buddies and not me but it doesn't make it any less hurtful. When he was with me, he seemed like such a gentleman but through Facebook, he seemed like a completely different person (definitely not somebody I would think twice about). I saw the man behind the mask though so I stuck around.

There was always this doubt on the back of my mind of if this was even about ptsd though. What if he was distancing himself because he didn't want to deal with me and wasn't man enough to end it? I pushed that feeling aside for 3 weeks. Eventually, the rest of his Facebook activity took a toll on me. He would like pictures of girls in bikinis which okay, probably my own hang up. I'm comfortable in my own skin and think my body is amazing but I couldn't understand why it would be okay for him to do that. I don't have a lot of experience dating in that he was the first person I was ever willing to commit to so even though that annoyed me, I brushed it aside because its not like I could call him on it and tell him how I feel when he wasn't even talking to me.

My breaking point was when he announced that he booked out his summer for travelling on Facebook. One of the comments from his buddy was something along the lines of "take me with you, we can pick up Spanish girls." First of all, I think that he has every right to do what he wants and go where he wants, I just thought it was disrespectful that he didn't even think to give me a heads up. Why do I need to find these things out through Facebook? I hate Facebook. Secondly, the only thing I saw from the comment was that these people didn't even know I existed. I felt like a dirty secret which is ironic because when we started dating, he used to say that he was so proud to be with me. All of my good friends knew about him. He knew that I wanted to introduce him to them. Nobody seemed to know about me though (I don't know if that's entirely true considering the radio silence but that's what it felt like). Furthermore, considering he cared about Facebook so much, why didn't he change his relationship status? None of this bothered me until I read that comment yesterday because I could care less about announcing what's going on in my life on Facebook. It seemed so important to him though.

Anyways, I texted a very simple message saying that I wished him the best but I couldn't do this. I did also say that if he ever needed to talk or for someone to listen, I'd always be here for him. There wasn't much else I could do. I had myself a good cry after that and now I just feel numb. He hasn't replied back to my text but I really didn't expect him to. This is going to sound to juvenile but no expectations, no disappointments.

I didn't come here to ask for advice. As much as I liked him and miss him, I know I did the right thing for me. I just feel like I'm abandoning him. I was thinking about sending him messages randomly so that he knows that I was being honest when I said hat I'd always be here for him but I can't keep chasing him. If he wants me in his life, he'll have to make that decision himself. I did my part.

 

[Samyd66]

I lost my wife because of my PTSD - she didn't know. She wasn't willing to tolerate my isolation and my unwillingness to talk. She was my world, my partner. I lost her and now I am alone. What makes it worse is that I am in the mental health field. I failed my wife and I am broken, just like your friend. It takes time to heal. It starts with safety and trustworthiness. I am safe, I know this - yet its a struggle. It's been life long. My PTSD is different. We all are different. That is why no two situations are the same. I close down and lack the ability to be intimate, yet I need to be close to someone. I know you're not asking for advice, all I can say is that transference is real. Help others and help yourself to understand. Listen to your heart and be strong.
God bless.

One more thing.... the pain inside is real. It's crushing. As a soldier, we are trained to not ask for help... we have find a way to get through this one way or another.

 

[Lidia]

@smdc , I hope you will accept a hug from me. :hug:

I am in a similar situation as you, although I have not left my man. Still, perhaps it is good to share stories.
I have known him for 6 months, together for nearly 5, we fell madly for each other. At first all was a dream. We both could not believe our luck in meeting each other.

The last 3 months have been a nightmare. He shuts down at the minimum trigger, phone calls are not a possibility (they were rare even before), only communicates via text or emails. I never see him during evenings and weekends. I only managed to spend 4 nights with him since the beginning of the relationship. Unless he is physically or mentally unfit, I see him daytime for coffee. Luckily, not a full day goes past that I don't manage to get in contact with him. He used to initiate contact in the morning but over the past 2 months I have had to do that.

For me the big blow came from this: I had arranged a weekend away to see his favourite show in a big city, with luxury dinner and accommodation. He said he could not accept and could not go. Next thing, he told me that he was going away for the entire week of his birthday (not only he was not accepting my present but I would not see him at all). I still have not managed to see him, two and a half weeks later.

Another thing I struggle with is that he is able to function at work, with his family and with his band but he is ready to run away from me. For the insecure person that I am, this is really a big struggle and I have been physically sick trying to put up with this. Now I feel I have somehow learned to handle the situation and I have regained my self-esteem and my confidence.

I have not left him, as I have learned enough about him and his issues to know that if I give up after only 5 months, he will feel he did the right thing not opening up to me. I know from other stories here that it may take years for him to truly trust me. I am not sure if in time he will learn to trust me at all. I am only fuelled by hope and by the fact that I separate his illness from the precious man he is. However, he must feel in his heart of hearts that he has pushed me away so many times that the bruises are not going away so easily.

As for the secrecy of the relationship with this man you have been with, I suspect that he may not have said anything because he expected you to leave him so did not want to make it public. I certainly know that my guy told me from day one that he expects me to leave him. It's frustrating to see the self fulfilling prophecy taking shape right before my eyes and not be able to do anything. All I can do is wait and pray.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I've basically been where you are, except it was 2.5 years in when he went AWOL. It's devistating emotionally. I felt the same way, he would have been worth waiting for, but when they can't even tell you they need space, how do you give it for months? And, at least in my situation, how can you get really angry at someone who just isn't capable of being really in a relationship? It's so much harder when you can't have real closure. When you can't remain friends or hate him. I'm sorry you are going through this. I do understand. And the numbness will wear off and then you have to deal with the real pain.

Take care of yourself. It sounds callous, but I do not mean it that way, but better now than after a year or two. You have to take care of yourself. Some people with PTSD can handle a relationship, some can't. And it sounds like he may be early in therapy and that's not a good time. Remember, a relationship is another stressor for a sufferer. I hope things get easier for you. Hug.

 

[nursenurse]

You made your decision, and in my opinion, the best one given the circumstances you have described. Leave him alone. you have already told him the standard "If you ever need a friend.." and if he wants to contact you, he will. You need to stay strong for yourself. You are not abandoning him, he abandoned you, I don't think he actually had both feet in the water, to tell you the truth. You can't keep micro analyzing him, his thought processes, and you can't completely blame PTSD. He may have more going on in there than you realize. Steer clear, stay away, cut yourself off, NO RANDOM MESSAGES, otherwise you will be reeled in and let out like a fish.

It's hard.

 

[smdc]

I'd like to thank all of you for taking the time to reply. I truly appreciate it. I had a moment of weakness where I did text him again. I've been going through the motions of feeling nothing to feeling anxious and guilty. Rationally, I know that I didn't do anything that merits feeling this way but its unconscious. I guess he really got under my skin. I don't know if he was playing me and I suppose that's something that I'll never know. For my own sanity, I'm going to move forward with the belief that he was who I thought he was - an amazing guy who cared about me but wasn't ready for a relationship. I won't message him again.

@Samyd66 : I truly appreciate your perspective. I wanted to say that you're right, every situation/relationship/sufferer is different. I did my research and I would have stood by him if he just tried to communicate with me. He didn't though. I understand that soldiers are trained to be strong and keep themselves together but my relationship with him was young. It's impossible to build a strong foundation with someone who isn't willing to meet you halfway. It's also very naive. I don't know the details of what happened between you and your wife but I'm so sorry that you are hurting. If you ever need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to message. I wish I could offer you a real hug but I since I can't, I hope you'll accept a virtual one. Please take care of yourself!

@Lidia : I completely understand where you're coming from. The fact that he's willing to try to communicate with you everyday is amazing. Honestly, it makes me so happy to hear that! I wish you both the best! Hugs!

I feel like I was reading my own story at times. The cancelling plans was always a great time for me (sarcasm). My ex had invited me to go to an event with him and then disappeared on me completely. He also wanted to give me a key to his apartment. I was definitely getting a lot of mixed messages. I hear you about how hard it was that he could manage just fine with every other aspect of his life but with me. At the same time, I'm so grateful that he was able to do that. All things considered, I wish him the very best but I'm obviously not the girl for him.

You might be right that the secrecy is because he expected me to leave him. There's nothing else I can say about though. I can't be with someone who won't even try to communicate with me.

@BewitchedBewildered : I think that's the main thing - he never told me anything. I made my own scenarios and assumptions up in my head and ran with them. By the end of it, it didn't feel like a relationship. To be honest, it didn't even feel like a friendship. I've dealt with a lot and I've learned to put my walls up to protect myself. It's surprising that I didn't do that with him and although I don't regret anything, I'll be more careful with my heart in the future. I wish you the best as well. Please take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy. Hugs!

@nursenurse : I've been lurking on here for a few weeks now and it was actually one of your replies that helped me come to my final decision. It was from awhile ago where you differentiated between isolating and distancing. That comment really made me think and I thank you for that. I've deleted every means of communication between us so there won't be any messages from my end. Over the course of this last week, I've slowly been picking myself up.

It is hard.

 

[Lidia]

@smdc , I am glad you are picking yourself up. This morning I am coming here with a very different perspective in that I have decided to end my own story with him. As you say, we constantly feel responsible for them, worry about them, feel that we should be there for them. But then they are just getting on with their own life so very selfishly, whatever the reason for that is! The anger from that is giving me the strength to let go.

Picture this: I haven't seen him since he threw my present back on my face, I am giving him space, thinking that he is triggered and cannot see anyone or really do anything. I am hardly eating or looking after myself. Next thing I hear is that he is making himself nice meals, he is going to play with his band and he is taking his parents out to dinner. OK, a relationship can be a stressor...but how many clues to I need that he is just not going to make space for me in his life? I no longer even care about the reason for this now. All I know is that his behaviour is selfish and cruel beyond belief and that deep down I now resent him more than I can even pity him.

I have asked to see him today to tell him that I want him to leave me. I want HIM to tell ME openly that he is leaving me. He needs to take responsibility for what he has done. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do (end believe me, I have bee through a lot). I REALLY thought we had something unique and precious...:cry: (Sorry...it all happened the last few hours and it's all very raw...)

 

[smdc]

@Lidia

I'm so sorry that you're going through this :(. It sounds like you've made your decision and to be honest with you, you do deserve a lot better. Please take care of yourself. Make yourself your priority because you matter - your feelings matter. Sometimes holding on is just not plausible or fair or healthy for us.

My dad has a habit of telling me that I'm his sunshine because my smile lights up his world. A few days ago he said he remembered me at 8 years old holding his hand while he cried his eyes out because I was going in for open heart surgery. He said I turned to him and told him with all this bravado that I was going to be fine. After he told me that story, he looked at me and asked where his sunshine was. It was such a reality check for me. I thought I was holding myself together so well but I wasn't. The only thing I was doing was pushing my feelings away. I was losing myself because I was so focused on my ex.

I truly hope that you have a strong support system to keep you going. You never have to feel alone though. If you need a friend, I'm always willing to listen.

The only thing I want to add is that you don't have to wait for him to leave you. One of the reasons I ended things with my ex is that I felt like he'd never be the one to end it with me. Your guy may avoid that as well. Are you willing to wait any longer? Make the decision based on what is best for you.

It isn't going to be easy. He was my friend a lot longer than he was my boyfriend so I feel the loss of both of those relationships - at this point, the friendship more so than the relationship. I don't regret my decision. The empty feeling hasn't gone away but after I deleted his number, I'm no longer tempted to listen to his voicemails or read our old text messages. These small steps felt like progress though.

 

[Lidia]

@smdc

Thank you so so much. I think I may need your support over the next few days.

Things with him progressed today and after his latest emotional blackmailing, I decided to end it. I sent him a text and said that I had no choice but to leave him via text message (sounds familiar? - ...sarcasm), as he would not give me a time and place to meet up. I told him that whatever we had would end there and then. That I trust I'll be fine and loved. Needless to say, he hasn't replied.

In a sense, it is easier for me than it is for you, in that I am not losing a friend. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. :hug:

I had, however, put so much hope and faith in this. He promised me everything - a family, children, a life together. He kept telling me how he had never loved this way since his fiance' (who died in a car crash that he survived with injuries 13 years ago). I believed him. Only a sick may would use a dead woman as a chat up line - I had no doubts he was being honest. Clearly, as the love chemicals wore out, his PTSD brain went back to its previous self.

I hear what you say about your dad. My close friends have all been telling me that the 'spark was gone', but I managed to persuade them that I was doing just fine. Like you, I overestimated how well I was managing.

I know I have made the right decision. I want to be happy. I lost my father few years ago and for too long I did not feel I had a right to be happy. I had found hope and love for life again before this guy. I am angry at myself for letting him shatter the hard work I had done on myself.

Sorry for the long message...I am just so very sad, numb...but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[smdc]

@Lidia - sent you a message.