Relationship To Ask Or Not

[MorningDove]

My suffering friend and I were getting close but this stressed him but we kept talking and texting. A few weeks back he agreed to go on a group trip together, and our closer encounter made a bit of a mess of things which we were trying to work through. Just after this I had some major other life stressors and needed to not communicate for a day or so, even though we hang out in the same social scene together. I am in the midst of a huge life change (divorce) did not want to to add to his stress. I tried to acknowledge this in an email to him but I think it came off as playing head games and made me seem untrusworthy. We still talk when in the same space but don't text any more, and he still watches me and we smile when we make eye contact. Part of me wants to ask him if it is his PTSD or me personally and let him know that I am not trying to play head games just wanting to be respectful. He has never said that he does not feel for me, he just brings up the ptsd when things get going awry. I have been waiting for a sign that it would be safe to ask.

 

[BlueOrange]

Don't ask him if it's the PTSD that's making him not trust you, it never sends the right signals. If you think you sent a badly-worded email, and came across as manipulative, focus the conversation on that.

Blaming him (or his illness) for his loss of trust sends the impression that you're being manipulative.

 

[whserenitynluv]

If you believe he has feelings for you, then it might help move the situation if you make the initial response.

I had a similar situation, and because of the dynamics of circumstances, I refuse to call and from that have been forcing myself to let go, ( the hardest thing) if he was to call me and say or even let me know, things would have been different :( so don't lose your opportunity, you never know , keep your head up girl!

Also a talk about ptsd is valid, when the time is right, it would be relieving probably for him that you understand and care.... The trust in that is alone bonding :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please don't ask.

If someone asked me if it was my PTSD or them, I'd probably feel the urge to throw something. That is, asking that question would probably make your situation worse.

 

[MorningDove]

Thank you all. Solara and BlueOrange- really good insight! He does bring up his ptsd now and then and I will work harder at listening to what he has to say about it next time. We hung out together (within our large group scene) last night and actually had really sweet, long conversation over a campfire he was tending. (so we both had something else to stare at) We talked about everything under the new moon, except for us, and it was really comfy. Actions and Instincts are giving me the answer and telling me I am doing the right thing. In the meantime, I have started meditating again which helps keep me grounded and centered-essential. I love the metaphor of how the sun just shines down on the flowers to help them grow. It does not reach down and pull them up, it shines upon them and lets them do the rest. There is a prettier way to say that but you get the idea.

 

[MorningDove]

In a related question, part of me wants to ask him straight up how he feels for me and part of me is ok to just let things continue to unfold. Any thoughts?

 

[BlueOrange]

It's hard to get trustworthy answers about feeling from a sufferer who doesn't feel safe. Possible, but it takes a lot of courage on the part of the sufferer. If you view that kind of question as a conversation starter, it could be worthwhile. If you're looking to be reassured, I doubt it will work.

 

[TonyG]

I can tell you that you should never ask if it's his PTSD that's causing anything as I don't like that question at all,
My advice for what it's worth is start texting again and keep it friendly and non topical, like Hey I'm going for a coffee do you want to join me. Then it's totally his call, he may and he may not but there's no expectation that he has to go. Keep the conversation away from PTSD as he won't want pitty. It's ok for you to know he has it and he will talk if and when he want too.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @MorningDove. I can offer one perspective based on my own experience. It sounds like the guy likes you but he may not be ready for a relationship right now (which might be why he hasn't made a move on you).

I agree with the other posters here - I wouldn't ask him if his PTSD is the problem. If you're going to ask him outright, I would just ask how he feels about you (like you mentioned yourself above). No need to bring the PTSD into it. Might not be a good idea to put him on the spot though, if you value his friendship more than the possibility of a relationship (I'm assuming that's what you are hoping for? Sorry if I've misunderstood :-) ). Hope that helps.

 

[MorningDove]

Hi @MorningDove. if you value his friendship more than the possibility of a relationship .

Thanks wastinglight and Tony. He did make a move once, but was a bit too drunk for my comfort level and I just wasn't going there at that time. I did not make any judgement calls and only said once a couple of days later, let's try again sometime with a little less booze. To which he replied reminding me of his ptsd etc. It took us a couple of weeks to come out of that one, but I have now started texting again (about other stuff.) He is going to help me with a house project here in the next while and I have shared some info on a subject we are both into with him. We do really well working together on things, though sometimes the physical closeness that ensues can drive me a bit batty if you know what I mean ;). and that is when I want to ask. Not for re-assurance just to know what is appropriate. I do value our friendship and believe it is the foundation of any and every relationship no matter where it goes. And that is the patient part of me.

 

[Wastinglight]

though sometimes the physical closeness that ensues can drive me a bit batty if you know what I mean

Oh yeah, I know what you mean alright! That's why I just ended up asking my guy out - I couldn't stand it any longer, I had to know if he felt the same way! (he said yes BTW).

 

[MorningDove]

Nice!