Today I Realised The Amount Of Anger I Harbored ForAlmost Twenty Years

[just me here]

I was a volunteer fire fighter and saw alot of car accidents and death. Most of them were highspeed impacts, The majority of our roads are high speed with not much to run into but each other head on. Today I was triggered into remembering the anger I fealt at one incident in particular, I fealt the adrenaline and the anger and the frustration like it happened this morning instead of twenty years ago.
I went to the original scene, thought alot about what had happened there twenty years ago, thought about how I was the only one keeping that anger alive, and about how it wasn't doing any good to keep it.
So I left an object there, as a symbol of my thoughts about what happened there. Now when I think about the incident, I will think about the return to the scene, and the thoughts I had there twenty years later and the object that I left behind as a symbol of my thoughts and my physically walking away from the scene without carrying them with me in their original package anymore. I still remember it, but now I remember it all, including the decision to go back to the scene and the realisation that keeping the anger was no longer necessary or good for me.

I am new at this, just diagnosed, This was a huge step for me. I can see a direct corellation between things in my past and the thoughts I have today that I would have never linked without the diagnosis and the therapy sessions I have had.

can anyone else share a similar experience?

 

[Grama-Herc]

Suffering from memory loss, I can't identify with you, But, I can congradulate you on a huge step forward. What a great way to change a memory. I'm sure you will hear from others who can relate to you.

I hope others will try your approach to a bad memory. You are apparently a very smart person to have come up with this idea.

Welcome to the forum. I feel you will be a great addition.

 

[just me here]

oh, no, I didn't think this up, I am not that smart. My therapist has me carrying around a pocket full of rocks, and when I have a returning negative thought, I am suposed to symbolicly place the rock and walk away, like the jewish tradition of leaving rocks at gravesites as a symbol of rememberance. I have been carrying these same rocks for 2 weeks, this was the first time I realised I had a rock I needed to drop, and why. She is the wise one, I am just the guy with the 20 year old anger.

 

[seedling]

You're smart enough to use what she told you :)

 

[BloomInWinter]

I can relate totally. I was a paramedic for 9+ years.

Nightmares, anxiety, anger, numbing, horrible flashbacks and the worst for me...the ceaseless hyper-vigilance.

I have some calls that I can't even begin thinking of thinking about...I worked too in the days before airbags and mandatory seatbelts and the worst...no carseats for kids. The abuse cases and the horrible accidents. There's one that was a double fatal and one of them was one of my students. Ugh.

I'm numbing out as I type this.

My therapist has been trying to get me to even begin opening up about those years but I just can't muster the courage. I know there's blood and gore and death in that closet, and I know I need to face it.

I'm so afraid of opening up about just one of them, though - knowing that there's so many more - that I'm afraid I'll go into that black hole of helpless rage and despair and never find my way back out.

Thank you for sharing about the rocks. I live in a small town and just riding my bike around town is new to me. I had avoided so much of this tiny town due to the bad memories. I've got a bad call on almost every block but the idea that I could actually take some rocks, and face these things instead of just avoiding looking at the spots as I ride back...that is something I think I can do.

 

[just me here]

I can relate to the avoidance, trying to not see the things that remind me of bad incidents.

I am new at this, my diagnosis is still pretty fresh and I am still very green, I am not capable of telling you that carrying a pocket of rocks around is any kind of path to take, I don't have the time in to tell you it worked for me, just that I am trying it. I would hate to think that my therapists advice to me got filtered through my understanding of it, then through my description of it and then through your understanding of my description and somehow gets diluted to the point that it might cause some harm to someone trying the technique.

It is hard to live in the place where you worked as an EMT, I can't drive or go anywhere without getting some of the memories back. And because some of my own traumatic experiences are bad accidents I personally survived, a little bit of the memories the places bring back involve my own feelings of helplessness and shock. When I remember that cow eyed look of a victim in shock that I am sure you have also seen on so many faces, I get a little twinge of having that same look on my own face.

If going to the places and remembering the thoughts helps you, I am glad it does. I am also very scared of causing you any harm by even remotely suggesting that you do it and having you go there and suffer a trigger and the results of it.

I made a conscious decision to go to one particular scene, and thought alot about it before I went. There are other places I don't think about, I don't want to think about, and would never just go to without preparing for the visit. I went back to the scene armed with alot more than just a pocket full of rocks. But I went back home with a lot less than just one rock left behind.

Please be careful and good luck to you. And thanks for being the person that walked into all those scenes and delivered all that good.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Thank you for your kindness and concern. I will be very careful and listen to my T. on this and all issues of healing. I have struggled for months trying to ride my bike through this community and not be triggered by some of these places.

There's one in particular that still - I can't even write about it.

But maybe I can work towards that.

Thanks to you, too, for being that person who went into those places of chaos and tragedy and helped heal so many.