Today Should Die

[EveHarrington]

Today is Mothers Day here in the USA. I really do think today should die.

I am holed up in my room pretending to be dead to the rest of the world. At some point today someone from my family will ask me if I called my mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day.

All this stuff about trauma resiliency. I had none. I was my mothers only child yet she couldn't see beyond herself to care much about my well being or the fact that I was being molested. Oh yes, I acted out-----a lot! But I was just punished for acting out. I just think that maybe if my mom cared then I wouldn't be where I am today. Most days I wake up not wanting to wake up. I don't feel that I have much of a future. I don't have things that typically bring people joy and happiness in life. And while I've been fighting to get those things, the window is closing. And while I'm going out on a tangent here I do think my life would be better if my mom cared about me because she actually loved me and didn't just see me as something that makes her look good or bad.

She tells me I need to let go of the past and move on. Sorry, but you only get one shot at childhood/growth/development and if that's shot, there is no making everything all better later in life.

So no------I am not calling my mom and wishing her a happy Mother's Day because I don't want to do it due to societal pressure; I don't want to put myself in a worse place than I already am.

I'll get hell for this later on, but as soon as that conversation starts I'll be ready to fire back. Yes, the Mother's Day guilting------I've had it happen before as I've ignored this holiday in the past.

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry you are holed up in your room @eve Harrington. I have had other women in my life who were raised by Narc moms, and their battle for self esteem is a hard one...
Things may not be happening or coming together as you wish they were, but I want to remind you of the unbelievable courage it takes to post the things you have, asking for help. You are one of the most courageous women I know of... no, those words don't change a thing. But maybe you do need to know that others here, and speaking for myself, I admire and respect your approach to your battle....
Just putting your issues out there takes more than some of us have.. so possibly a gentle pat on your own back for at least trying to change things in your now and in your future... don't give up... you can get your power back from her... you can... sending you gentle hugs and hoping you at least try to eat something and drink water... simple, ya, but it's the best we can do some-days....

 

[bluebird]

So no------I am not calling my mom and wishing her a happy Mother's Day because I don't want to do it due to societal pressure; I don't want to put myself in a worse place than I already am.

That´s a good decision. Take care of yourself. You do not have to do things that hurt you. I am glad you are strong and confident! You can live each day of your life the way you wish it - and social norms can go to hell, from time to time :hug:

 

[ladee]

@bluebird, if I could like your post 100 times I would !!! Perfect !!

 

[Chem Lady]

Well done! You are very brave for making that choice and for being vocal about it! I wish I was as brave as you.
I also hate this day. This day and my birthday. The worst.

 

[Sheryl]

Today is Mothers Day here in the USA. I really do think today should die.

I am holed up in my r...

I feel your pain, i live your pain. I wish there was a way to make us all feel better about the traumas we have been through. You did the right thing, if your mother wasnt there for you as a child and its very obvious she was not, you do not owe her a thing. YOU and YOUR well being come first. People say very hurtful things when they do not understand how it is to be us and to live with PTSD and all its glorious hateful symptoms. Let the past go? LOL Obviously if we could let the past go we wouldnt be the way were are or suffer the way that we do. One of the hardest things for me my entire life is no one gets PTSD, ive heard the same thing over and over , let it go..I WISH I COULD LET IT GO. They don't understand, they just dont. They don't get triggers. Im tired of explaining myself to people, especially when i come unhinged. Its exhausting and i continually feel like a victim over and over and over again because of others ignorance or in sensitivities. Im tired of wishing i could die. I dont know, and it doesnt matter that i dont know you, You hurt and you suffered terribly yesterday, as did i. We made it through the day however, and today is a new day. Don't let your mom bring you down. There are many times i have had to turn my back on some of my hateful family members for my own well being . Ive even shut my own 2 adult kids out of my life at one point. As of today, i have shut my entire family of sibs completely and permanently from my life and i actually feel really good about it, because i MATTER and its about time i stopped trying to please everyone else and worry about myself for once in my really messed up life.You are not alone my friend. I hope in some small way, you feel a little better today.