Being new to this site and the awareness of PTSD, I am reading as much as time allows. I did read all the sticky notes in this Carer Relationship forums, and saw myself being described in deservedly frank terms. I have seen myself go from a loving, respectful, fun loving person, to one who does not give my wife/sufferer the respect she deserves. I/we are in counseling. I recognize and am trying to become more the person I need to be. I married my wife 28 years ago. I knew little of her childhood when we married. I mistakenly thought that she would learn to be affectionate, loving, emotionally sensitive, after we were married. While she has tried, very hard at times, I now understand that she may never be able to experience those feeling of closeness that define a 'normal' relationship. Almost all of the time, even today, her hugs and kisses are mechanical, without emotion. I now know she suffered at the hand of a very horrifically physically abusive father for 8 years or more and an emotionally abusive extended family. I sometimes ask myself today if I would have married her if I had understood what it meant to our relationship and that of our children had I known then what I know now.
I know that many of the sticky notes addressed the question of carers real intent or self esteem issues. And I do agree in large measure. But I can tell you that being raised in a home where love was present, love in the form of emotional safety, where a child was picked up and hugged when a knee was scraped or a friend said something hateful, or in high school when a girlfriend broke up, where I was told I could do anything, if I set my mind to it, has made all these years without that kind of affection and emotional closeness very very difficult. And over those years, I have found myself becoming someone I never thought I could become, almost uncaring, as that behavior became my coping mechanism. Was this right, no, but it is what happened. Now, having recognized this, I am trying hard to set myself in order.
This site and all of your posts are of great help. After 26 years, what I will refer to as an alignment of the planets occurred and my wife had the stresses that finally triggered her PTSD. (for those that have read my introduction posts, our therapist has shared her suspicions that my wife has PTSD. In fact her words paraphrasing were, 'if she doesn't have it she should'. Over all these years, it has been difficult. It is hard to even explain what I deal with. Often her actions and behaviors are so subtle that taken separately, seem normal, but when viewed together, reveal abnormal behaviors. For years it has been, well she is just under a lot of stress. For instance, she has had six automobile accidents in the last year and a half. One was rear ending an ambulance with its lights and siren going. She blamed it on thinking about another stressful situation that was going on at the time. It's multiple almost daily lack of concentration that I observe. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, she just closes her eyes and is silent for 20, 30 seconds or more, sometimes just stuttering unintelligibly.
She always has an excuse for any of these behaviors. Her favorite is, I am just tired. Well I don’t understand tired, when she has had 12 hours of sleep and does these things at 11:00am. She denies having any issues. She swears she is fine and it others who have the problems. Have any other carers had similar experiences? Is there a way to approach a sufferer that can help them understand that they are not ‘crazy’. That anyone who has experienced the things they have, would behave in this manner?
I hope I haven’t written anything that would offend anyone. I am just looking for someone to give me hope, that someday we can have laugh and cry together. That she will understand that tears are OK. That she may feel ‘safe’ in our relationship.
I know that many of the sticky notes addressed the question of carers real intent or self esteem issues. And I do agree in large measure. But I can tell you that being raised in a home where love was present, love in the form of emotional safety, where a child was picked up and hugged when a knee was scraped or a friend said something hateful, or in high school when a girlfriend broke up, where I was told I could do anything, if I set my mind to it, has made all these years without that kind of affection and emotional closeness very very difficult. And over those years, I have found myself becoming someone I never thought I could become, almost uncaring, as that behavior became my coping mechanism. Was this right, no, but it is what happened. Now, having recognized this, I am trying hard to set myself in order.
This site and all of your posts are of great help. After 26 years, what I will refer to as an alignment of the planets occurred and my wife had the stresses that finally triggered her PTSD. (for those that have read my introduction posts, our therapist has shared her suspicions that my wife has PTSD. In fact her words paraphrasing were, 'if she doesn't have it she should'. Over all these years, it has been difficult. It is hard to even explain what I deal with. Often her actions and behaviors are so subtle that taken separately, seem normal, but when viewed together, reveal abnormal behaviors. For years it has been, well she is just under a lot of stress. For instance, she has had six automobile accidents in the last year and a half. One was rear ending an ambulance with its lights and siren going. She blamed it on thinking about another stressful situation that was going on at the time. It's multiple almost daily lack of concentration that I observe. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, she just closes her eyes and is silent for 20, 30 seconds or more, sometimes just stuttering unintelligibly.
She always has an excuse for any of these behaviors. Her favorite is, I am just tired. Well I don’t understand tired, when she has had 12 hours of sleep and does these things at 11:00am. She denies having any issues. She swears she is fine and it others who have the problems. Have any other carers had similar experiences? Is there a way to approach a sufferer that can help them understand that they are not ‘crazy’. That anyone who has experienced the things they have, would behave in this manner?
I hope I haven’t written anything that would offend anyone. I am just looking for someone to give me hope, that someday we can have laugh and cry together. That she will understand that tears are OK. That she may feel ‘safe’ in our relationship.
