Eagle3
Platinum Member
I know I don't post very often here, but I lurk all the time. I have PTSD and Asperger's, with all the varying joys of accompanying maladies. I've just had the month from hell, and need to vent about it. I mean, suicidal ideation is a constant in my universe, but this month has really brought it to a head.
Here's the lowdown:
Mid-March - lease is up in my apartment, so had arranged to move to new one with friend to split bills. Friend backs out last minute, but current apartment had already rented out my space. Didn't want to stay there anyhow, too expensive to live alone, and the parking and bugs and catcrap everywhere was not working for me
End-March - find roommate last minute, nephew of a friend who said he'd help me out. Had 1 week to find suitable apartment, found one on first day. Kind of small, downstairs unit off a major bayou, but fully renovated. We move in End of March
April 18th - MAJOR flood! Managed to save my books and valuables, but my furniture is gone. Spent the entire morning boxing books and putting the totes on counters JUST ahead of the rising waters. had to practically move my entire apartment to upstairs balcony in three hours. Managed to save the beer, drank it while waiting for floodwaters to recede enough to regroup. Spent whole week moving my saved crap from destroyed apartment to temp apartment to storage. Apartment complex released us from lease, and roomie didn't want to stay in a different unit there, so i'm on my own again and can't afford anything at that complex alone. Ended up moving back to parent's house some 30 miles away.
End of April - FEMA still denies me any help. I had to quit Kenpo with my abusive asshole of an instructor because of the horrendous commute and the fact I can't handle the abuse anymore, even if I am just one test away from the full black belt (again!). The added commute is eating all my money, and the fact that my parents are not well-off financially either means I have to eat on the road, which is even MORE money that I don't have.
Did I mention the fact that my parents' house is where my major trauma happened, and is a constant trigger? I can't go back to my old room, so I'm sacked out in dad's office, no privacy or comforts and surrounded by computers and filing cabinets and a mom who bases her whole existence on a faith that triggers the SH*T out of me!. So now the flashbacks are getting worse, I have no Martial Arts classes to attend to work out stress (in too much pain from Fibro anyhow), I'm going to have to find another job nearby which means a huge pay cut and more stress, and there is literally no way for me to ever leave this situation as things stand now.
I can honestly say that death is looking like my only way out. I have a deadline for doing it, and now's not the time, but it sure is tempting! My therapist is really wanting me to keep this job I have, just because it was a symbol of making enough progress to get out on my own, but I just can't do it. He agrees that in one fell swoop everything I've worked so hard to achieve over the last 3 years is gone. Please tell me something is going to get better...I can't live like this for long, even with an awesome therapist and supportive people in my life...
Here's the lowdown:
Mid-March - lease is up in my apartment, so had arranged to move to new one with friend to split bills. Friend backs out last minute, but current apartment had already rented out my space. Didn't want to stay there anyhow, too expensive to live alone, and the parking and bugs and catcrap everywhere was not working for me
End-March - find roommate last minute, nephew of a friend who said he'd help me out. Had 1 week to find suitable apartment, found one on first day. Kind of small, downstairs unit off a major bayou, but fully renovated. We move in End of March
April 18th - MAJOR flood! Managed to save my books and valuables, but my furniture is gone. Spent the entire morning boxing books and putting the totes on counters JUST ahead of the rising waters. had to practically move my entire apartment to upstairs balcony in three hours. Managed to save the beer, drank it while waiting for floodwaters to recede enough to regroup. Spent whole week moving my saved crap from destroyed apartment to temp apartment to storage. Apartment complex released us from lease, and roomie didn't want to stay in a different unit there, so i'm on my own again and can't afford anything at that complex alone. Ended up moving back to parent's house some 30 miles away.
End of April - FEMA still denies me any help. I had to quit Kenpo with my abusive asshole of an instructor because of the horrendous commute and the fact I can't handle the abuse anymore, even if I am just one test away from the full black belt (again!). The added commute is eating all my money, and the fact that my parents are not well-off financially either means I have to eat on the road, which is even MORE money that I don't have.
Did I mention the fact that my parents' house is where my major trauma happened, and is a constant trigger? I can't go back to my old room, so I'm sacked out in dad's office, no privacy or comforts and surrounded by computers and filing cabinets and a mom who bases her whole existence on a faith that triggers the SH*T out of me!. So now the flashbacks are getting worse, I have no Martial Arts classes to attend to work out stress (in too much pain from Fibro anyhow), I'm going to have to find another job nearby which means a huge pay cut and more stress, and there is literally no way for me to ever leave this situation as things stand now.
I can honestly say that death is looking like my only way out. I have a deadline for doing it, and now's not the time, but it sure is tempting! My therapist is really wanting me to keep this job I have, just because it was a symbol of making enough progress to get out on my own, but I just can't do it. He agrees that in one fell swoop everything I've worked so hard to achieve over the last 3 years is gone. Please tell me something is going to get better...I can't live like this for long, even with an awesome therapist and supportive people in my life...
