Too much laughter in sessions, how to navigate consulting with another therapist?

[Justmehere]

The best thing about all this? As the dust settles in my brain, I actually feel a bit safer in therapy now.

 

[Scarlet13]

So I think words like power, control, and weapon are maybe strong for this situation.

I mean that maybe you are trying to feel in control of the situation thru humour.

I used those words just to say that a really funny person can illicit uncontrolable laughter which can feel like light torture (not actual terrible torture). And can be pointed to illicit a response.

So my point is that you maybe are using wit to distance not only yourself but your T as well, not hurting her or controlling her, but more just seeking control in the therapeutic context.

She should be seeing right thru this though.

 

[Kopykat]

How do I tell my therapist I need to find an adjunct therapist and do some work with someone else for a short bit and then come back?

Because it’s come to that.

I don’t want to end with this therapist, she’s good at one area that I can’t find anyone else in my state to touch with a 10 foot pole. I want to keep working on that with her.

Problem: she laughs at me too much. Like full on belly laughs. I’m ending up saying, “please stop laughing, please stop I really mean, it please stop” at least once every other session for a few months now.

I’ve walked out of sessions because of the laughing. Multiple times. In tears. I’ve come back to apologies and being on track.

Humor is great, she’s been honest that validation is not her forte, and I laugh and crack jokes quite a bit. I’ve asked how can we turn off the humor, what do I need to change, she’s promised to change...

But it’s continuing, and I’m building up walls and resisting talking about trauma anymore. I’m getting really overly wary of anyone laughing at me and struggling pretty deeply out of sessions now. I’m having nightmares about this.

My perp laughing at me and people who engaged in publically humiliating me for not believing my report to police at first (perp confessed and is in prison now) is something that haunts me.

This isn’t the first therapist I’ve ended up in a place of repeatedly begging them to stop laughing at me (or about my trauma) when I’m trying to work through really deep pain and trauma. It’s not just this therapist. It is me.

My therapist just says she can’t help it.

Cool.

So I have to find someone who can help it. I don’t want to quit with this therapist, but I’m stuck. I’m getting really angry about this now - and is lasting all week between sessions.

If I shut down after the laughter I’m told I’m complicated and resistant. Maybe. I’m also feeling humilated.

I’m looking for a new therapist now, and don’t know if I should tell the current one. I’m striking out at finding anyone wanting to deal with my trauma history, but I’m sure I’ll find someone eventually.... I guess...

I don’t much think therapy will ever be a place of comfort in the midst pain for me. It’s been great for building skills and learning to endure painful feelings, and learning to be able to talk about the trauma and work some bits of it through.

Maybe taking an extended break from any treatment is best.

Maybe I’ve come to the end of the road of what can be achieved in therapy for me. Maybe that’s ok. I mean, I’ll save a lot of money...

I just don’t want my trauma to be laughed about anymore by people in the profession. Maybe in a few months I can endure that again to get to the helpful parts. I don’t know. I’m super rattled today. It’s 5 days after my session and every morning I wake up feeling so crappy about it. I just can’t do the laughter anymore. It hurts so much. She a wonderful therapist and has been so good for me in so many ways. I don’t know how to navigate this anymore. It’s now undoing me and that’s beginning to undo my life and cost quite a bit in losses from rattled days.

I don’t know what to do.

I was thinking, I joke around w my therapist a lot, mainly bc my dark sense of humor is how I cope but I think there’s only been one occasion that she laughed AT me. And if I recall I became furious and left. Things worked out but it was ridiculous and invalidating.

To be blunt; you don’t need to put up with that type of unprofessional BS. If it’s a trigger or she’s laughing at you, she needs to refer you elsewhere bc that’s ridiculous and not supportive. Saying she can’t help it is total BS, she’s supposed to be a professional.

I’m sorry you have to deal w this. I know it’s difficult to find quality therapists. I actually found mine off of psychology today’s website bc going through insurance was a crapshoot.

 

[joeylittle]

I can do this with friends, but in therapy, I just keep going and going.... It's very habitual. We actually agreed that if I get to the point of asking her to stop laughing, that we will pause, and she'll check in with me.

I think this is a great self-observation. And, if you can allow yourself to start noticing when you find yourself 'going and going', it will be . the beginnings of you learning how to slow that down for yourself in therapy. I also think that you and she both agreeing to stop, when you ask for it, is a very good step.

I think "I can't help it" is what went across the line for me. It *feels* unregulated, on both sides, and that probably contributes to some of my fear about it. But it's not cruel, it's really like contagious giggles. I'm laughing too.

I agree that 'I can't help it' was not a very useful thing for her to say - even if it was true. in some ways, though, it's probably not a terrible thing that she did say it - because it was wrong enough to help motivate you to step into the issue (if that makes sense).

She explained she tries to redirect me back to the issues, but she doesn’t shut down the humor, because sometimes, that’s the only way I’ll connect with her right now. Otherwise, for the past two months, I've been pretty numbed out to the degree that's unusual for me.

This is something where, I can understand what she's saying - but it's OK also if you want to say "well, it might seem to you like I'm connecting through humor but really, I'm not. Or if I am, I don't like where it ends up going. We need to find a different way."

This has been the first repeated issue that we haven't entirely been able to move past or resolve.

Sounds like you are both working on that, though, which is a fundamentally good thing.

 

[Justmehere]

I’m re-reading this thread, and another (My therapist’s reaction to a timeline really hurt) where I wrote this:

I blurted out that I need “less invalidation or I can’t do this.”

I’m still here.

We are now arguing if her issuing commands to “regulate” and then sitting staring at me silently is helpful... and if tears should happen in therapy, because she told me recently not to cry. I just was misty eyed. She then went on to order me to regulate. Around and around we go.

This keeps going off the rails. Yeah, we get back on track, but it’s the same pattern again and again.

I am at a loss. It’s the same issue over and over.

My biggest problem in life is how much I keep everyone away and how much I fear success. It’s not lack of being regulated. I don’t cry outside therapy.

I don’t understand why she responds to me this way. She’s not unfeeling and she wants to help.

 

[scout86]

Can you share what you just wrote with her? I almost wonder about sharing more than that of what you've written here.

Unless she's totally nuts, it seems like the two of you must be talking past each other somehow. I'd like her to know that the rest of us find this confusing and unhelpful too!

 

[Justmehere]

I’ve tried writing her a letter to read to her in session but it always turns into one big “wtf?”

But I could read what I wrote above.

 

[scout86]

Would it help to mention that you were looking for help, here, understanding what she wants & no one had a clue? It seems like either she thinks she's making more sense than she is or the utter confusion is supposed to serve some sort of purpose.

 

[Abstract]

It is always worth checking where the other person is coming from. Very evident with what happened before with the two of you. Is there any context here that we should know about? There was important context with stuff before.

I read this and its hard for me not to say good grief. But check and see.

If she thinks this is appropriate then you may have to accept that she isn't the most sensitive flower in the shop. That she is helpful for you when processing trauma but maybe isnt as attuned with the other subtle stuff. Do you think you were drawn to those qualities in her if so?

I can understand trying to shut someones emotions down if that was an issue in their wider life, they had issues with emotional regulation in the way expressed emotion. I can't understand it at all in context of someone who has a history of the opposite (from what I gather). Needing to keep it all buttoned up.

In fact from what I gathered you are working on letting yourself be vulnerable with friends and ask for help, show you need help. You are now feeling some backlash accepting steps you have taken and her trying to shut you down again makes no sense whatsoever. If someone did that to me now I would be ..... it would be very bad for me. Can see it being bad for you.

 

[Justmehere]

There is a high probability (99.99 percent chance) I’m in a place of a lot of negative transference.

I don’t seem to be able to hold on to her being an ally. I think that’s the crux of the issue.

She’s really super bright. She’ll say the hard things. She’s not going to be miss sensitive and empathetic. She just isn’t. She’ll also put up with more negative transference from me than most would even try. It does help to have someone with a fair amount of unshakability and maybe that means a natural flip side of a fair amount of not always being super attuned.

Yet it’s confusing. I can walk into the room and sit down, in a way that most would think I’m totally confident and calm, and she will say “hmm, whats the numbness about today?” Or that I seem a little afraid. Or whatever. She says it’s a body sense. She’s never said it was a problem before.

So. I’m confused. She’s not oblivious at all. Totally sees me. I just don’t get why we keep ending up to where I feel invalidated in therapy. Again and again.

How do I hold on to her being there for me?

Maybe I’m rennacting patterns? Maybe the patterns are all in my head.

I survived neglect as a kid. (Amoung other things). As an adult, I survived trauma that lead to public humiliation and even mental health professionals not believing me and treating me very badly because of it. (Trauma and terrible treatment is verified and proven.) I have developed friendships at a distance where I’m always ok and there for others but I sure don’t let anyone be there for me.

I worry that we got along for so long because I am used to being treated a certain way. A certain level of chronic distance and lack of vulnerability. Thins work just fine if I never feel and no one is ever close. No vulnerability means safety.

I told her how I told friends about trauma recently and they mentioned I was weirdly unemotional. I talked about it like I was reading ingredients off of cereal box. I told her how I want to run from them offering significant help.

I told her about how I don’t cry outside therapy, and if I express other emotions ever, I get really hard on myself for it. It’s not generally a problem in my life being dysregulated around others.

It is a severe problem in my life how much I push everyone away. I guess that could be tied to regulation of fear.

The trauma we are trying to tackle is complicated. There was the trauma, and there was the mental health care professionals not believing me about said trauma. I tried to really open up about that with her.

I don’t know what we are doing in therapy anymore. We were doing somatic and exposure therapy work. We don’t really do that anymore.

When does it get to be ok to feel anything with another human without fixing it?

The session we had - I keep remembering my saying, “don’t just command ‘regulate’ and sit there looking at me silently, at least talk with me about my life.” And “don’t tell me not to cry, I don’t even have tears. It has to be ok to cry in therapy.”

She didn’t really validate that or anything else, which is what it is.

Except she was very bluntly confrontational that I need to say build up my ability to tolerate saying yes to friends offering help.

Maybe that was it? Did I just bury the lead again?

What do I do if what I need to say yes is someone to say it’s freaking ok to cry?! I’m really confused.

 

[Abstract]

its pretty confusing from here too I must say. In my experience I do think it can be hard for people to change track fully when we do. Its almost like they default to what they knew about you before rather than consistently supporting you where you want to go. Or pop backwards and forewards.

She is very direct and a little forceful. Are you able to match that when in a place that is difficult or vulnerable? It can be hard in that context. If you are does she listen? In my experience its not enough for someone to voice where things are heading. They need to walk the talk.

Yes I think its pretty obvious you are having some pretty powerful transference stuff happening. And it does sound like reenactment to me. Or you are projecting something onto her. Its hard to say from here.

Good thing? She is tough so isn't phased by some stuff. Bad? She needs to be consistent in what she is supporting here even if she isn't miss sensitivity of the year.

Can see why the neglect and the professional stuff is relevant.

I cant understand why in this context and the work she supposedly wants you to do she wasn't giving you a medal for crying and encouraging it.

First step I guess is checking where she was coming at this from.

I relate a lot to this even if a different person with different circumstances. Have similar patterns. Know I am now over it and can't go back even if I wanted to. Over it.

 

[hithere]

could she be sadistic and you not be aware of her true character?-- you can ignore this-- this is my own crap trying to figure out what my own horror story by reading about yours. I apologize. It's a real thing though, therapists having a sadistic character and other professionals don't want to believe it. It's kind of like cops not wanting to believe other cops are abusers and so they don't do their job. I can relate to the intense feelings of not feeling validated, asking for validation, and being told shit instead. I don't offer any interpretations. However last month you said that you feel more safe in therapy now. but it sounds like that was a temporary illusion.