Too quick to judge?

[AnotherDay]

I had a phone consultation with a new therapist who specializes in trauma/PTSD and has extensive background using EMDR.

She sounds great on paper, but I really just didn't like her over the phone. Would you trust your instincts from a brief phone consultation, or at least explore it in-person for a session or two? She has loads of experience treating complex cases with great results, or so she says.

I had a whole list of questions prepared, but couldn't get through them all. The only ones I got answered were about what her experience was with complex trauma, her treatment approach, and her style. It was hard to interject or have a voice and she just kind of monologued at me for 30 minutes with a few breaks to acknowledge that she was talking a lot and to ask what other questions I had. I really just wanted to get off the phone at a certain point. I was also feeling sad that she didn't sound like my current therapist, and I guess that was hitting me, too. I was actually on the verge of crying throughout the phone call. That can't be a good sign, can it?

Things she said that made me feel bad or concerned that she was not "safe":

- She kept talking about her cases and the different types of trauma she has treated people for. I guess it might have triggered me (she doesn't know what my trauma is).
- The fact that she was talking about her cases made me feel worried about her ability to keep client confidentiality.
- She said that she has a very directive approach (which I want) but then went on to say that she doesn't believe that she's doing her job if someone is still seeing her year after year, and doesn't think people should be in therapy for years. I've been seeing mine for over three years and I have great attachment to her. I have benefited from her support. I know I need to detach from her at some point, but I'm not ready to.

I don't want to miss out on someone who could really help me. I don't know if I didn't like her for legitimate reasons, or if it's because she's not my current therapist and other reasons like cognitive distortions and being overly sensitive about certain topics.

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.

 

[NightSky]

May I ask why you’re switching? Are you looking for a specialist and your current T isn’t one?
From what you wrote, I would say try a face to face before you decide. People can be hard to read on the phone and/or in writing. I think the things you picked up on that were bothersome may be related to your current situation vs things that would be a deal breaker (except maybe the talking the whole time. But you never know. This T just might not be a “phone person.” )
My T talks about how she has treated various traumas in other clients and I never worry about confidentiality. She isn’t telling me who they are. I would hope the same would be true for this one and she’s just letting you know what her experience has been.
I feel like if I were in your position and didn’t want to switch I would be picking up on the potential negative things with no ability to recognize the positive. A face to face can’t hurt, but could solidify your decision.

 

[AnotherDay]

Thank you for responding. I'm switching therapists because of a geography issue that has arisen. I agree with your points, really. I think the bigger picture issue that each of the nit picky details is getting at for me is that I didn't feel safe with her for some reason. It was the incessant talking, discussion of her cases, self disclosure of her own PTSD. It feels like maybe she didn't have good boundaries, and that feels scary to me. My current therapist has incredibly strong boundaries.

I forgot to mention that she also said a few times that she just "assumes everyone she's treating is suicidal." I don't know where that came from. I didn't say anything about that. She also said a few other things that I'm now remembering that didn't sit right with me, but they were more just personality and her voicing a strong opinion about a particular location. She seemed overbearing over the phone. You're right, of course, that it was over the phone, and maybe she's not a phone person.

Also, why tell me that clients have flown into see her? I keep replaying different parts of the conversation (errr monologue) in my head, and it just was not a good one. I guess I could meet with her and see how it goes.

 

[NightSky]

Sounds like she was trying to sell herself to you. And that feels unsafe because you need someone confident enough in their abilities that they wouldn’t need to do that, so that you can eventually let your guard down. I think a lot of us have trouble trusting ourselves and it’s hard to go with our gut because we fear our gut isn’t accurate. I’ve had that fear. So I try now to go with those feelings and trust that I’m doing the right thing for me. Seems like this is one of those situations for you and you need someone who right off the bat puts you at ease. Especially since my suggestion made you swing further in the other direction which shows you DO know what the right thing for you feels like. So trust yourself. There’s no need to pick this one. There are others out there better suited to your needs.

 

[AnotherDay]

Thank you NightSky. That's a good way of putting it - she didn't put me at ease, which is really what I would need in a therapist in order to feel safe to do therapy. I'm planning to discuss all of this with my current therapist and get her input as well.