BloomInWinter
VIP Member
My hubby and children have been living in a household with someone who made them walk on eggshells, be silent and careful, deny their outbursts of laughter and joy, and generally alter their regular activities of daily living to accommodate that person's illness.
That person is me.
I feel tremendous guilt, shame, and disgust at how much I've demanded from my family to avoid dealing with the abuse that happened to me in my family of origin.
Even worse, I realize that by accommodating me, I have made them enablers in my denial. This ultimately has allowed me to remain fearful and hiding. I've been perpetuating the injustice that was done to me by doing it, over and over, to myself.
Doing it to myself. How can this be?!
My hubby had learned never to touch me, to hug me, to express affection or spontaneous support. Which means he doesn't get that from me, either.
My children learned that they had to be in control of themselves not to upset me. To not laugh too loud, nor have friends over, nor engage in normal loud energetic child play.
No more. This past week, I officially declared our household and my space around me to have the lock-down lifted.
My kids are being welcomed & encouraged to play. Hubby has being given permission to move freely and not worry about startling, upsetting, or angering me.
My family in the now doesn't need to be punished for what happened in my family of origin. They deserve better. As (do I dare say it?) do I.
I have one room I can go to, and an escape plan (pillow, ipod, blanket) if it gets too overwhelming.
It HAS been hard. Terrifying. I've been stressed and grinding my teeth and having so many startle reactions, flashbacks, numbing, disassociation. Especially numbing.
But...something wonderful is happening too. Some of the regular behaviors that used to bother me now, just days later, are tolerable. Even, for a few milliseconds here and there...enjoyable. Expressions of children having fun, even loud fun. Doors being shut regularly instead of closed slowly to limit noise. Hugs from behind that were so scary at first today, brought me some comfort I didn't even know I needed.
I went on a 10 mile bike ride just to vent out some of the hyper-arousal chemicals floating around in my system.
My teeth are hurting so bad right now from the grinding. I have been grinding/clenching them instead of saying my usual 'keep it down!' or 'Go somewhere else!' and just sitting in the discomfort/anxiety/fear/anger...and trying to make friends with the feelings.
I'm a long way from that, yet. But as I sit quietly, listening to the feelings, a lot of new memories are coming up. My body & brain are learning that I can feel this way but there is no danger here now, so I can listen and not run. If I choose.
My home now feels...more relaxed than it ever has. New to me, safer. My family, happier and more relaxed too. I've got a long road ahead but I'm hoping this is the smashing of the denial I've lived in for so long.
I've freed my family - or at least, begun the process.
Now I need to free myself. I'm considering a trip for myself to Build-a-Bear to get a comfort item.
I hope I can continue this crazy wacked-out version of 'exposure therapy.'
That person is me.
I feel tremendous guilt, shame, and disgust at how much I've demanded from my family to avoid dealing with the abuse that happened to me in my family of origin.
Even worse, I realize that by accommodating me, I have made them enablers in my denial. This ultimately has allowed me to remain fearful and hiding. I've been perpetuating the injustice that was done to me by doing it, over and over, to myself.
Doing it to myself. How can this be?!
My hubby had learned never to touch me, to hug me, to express affection or spontaneous support. Which means he doesn't get that from me, either.
My children learned that they had to be in control of themselves not to upset me. To not laugh too loud, nor have friends over, nor engage in normal loud energetic child play.
No more. This past week, I officially declared our household and my space around me to have the lock-down lifted.
My kids are being welcomed & encouraged to play. Hubby has being given permission to move freely and not worry about startling, upsetting, or angering me.
My family in the now doesn't need to be punished for what happened in my family of origin. They deserve better. As (do I dare say it?) do I.
I have one room I can go to, and an escape plan (pillow, ipod, blanket) if it gets too overwhelming.
It HAS been hard. Terrifying. I've been stressed and grinding my teeth and having so many startle reactions, flashbacks, numbing, disassociation. Especially numbing.
But...something wonderful is happening too. Some of the regular behaviors that used to bother me now, just days later, are tolerable. Even, for a few milliseconds here and there...enjoyable. Expressions of children having fun, even loud fun. Doors being shut regularly instead of closed slowly to limit noise. Hugs from behind that were so scary at first today, brought me some comfort I didn't even know I needed.
I went on a 10 mile bike ride just to vent out some of the hyper-arousal chemicals floating around in my system.
My teeth are hurting so bad right now from the grinding. I have been grinding/clenching them instead of saying my usual 'keep it down!' or 'Go somewhere else!' and just sitting in the discomfort/anxiety/fear/anger...and trying to make friends with the feelings.
I'm a long way from that, yet. But as I sit quietly, listening to the feelings, a lot of new memories are coming up. My body & brain are learning that I can feel this way but there is no danger here now, so I can listen and not run. If I choose.
My home now feels...more relaxed than it ever has. New to me, safer. My family, happier and more relaxed too. I've got a long road ahead but I'm hoping this is the smashing of the denial I've lived in for so long.
I've freed my family - or at least, begun the process.
Now I need to free myself. I'm considering a trip for myself to Build-a-Bear to get a comfort item.
I hope I can continue this crazy wacked-out version of 'exposure therapy.'
