Torn - Order Of Protection?

[Maryann]

I am scheduled to see a judge tomorrow for an "Order of Protection". I feel bad because this will make him furious and he will blame me instead of his own actions! I never know what will set him off at any time and from all the advice I've received, it's best to keep my court appointment.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 22 years. I just realized this within the past 5 months. My husband left about 2 months ago, but is still trying to control me from another state. Last week I chose not to listen to him degrade me over the phone so hung up on him. He was so upset that he called me back 6 to 7 times leaving threatening message on the machine. The next day I called him to check his mood hoping he had calmed down, maybe even apologize so I wouldn't feel compelled to file against him. He denied his actions and even threatened to hurt anyone (specifically my church brothers) who may be in the house when he comes back to pick up his clothes.

I don't want to see him go to jail nor do I want him to blamed me for his actions. The Order of Protection will make him very angry. He has never hit me, but he has hit the kids (I just found out recently that it was more times than twice that I originally thought). All the people I have spoken with say that his anger will only escalate and he will cross that line and hit me. I will keep the appointment tomorrow, but that will bring on a war!

My teens have never seen how far his anger goes to hurt someone. I fear I will alienate my teens from me when I file this order. They don't realize they've have been abused yet. I know I have to protect myself and my teens, but I also don't want to betray my husband. I will let logic and safety make this decision, but the next shoe to drop will be a heavy one!

 

[Michel]

You say your husband has hit your kids but that "they have never seen how far his anger goes to hurt someone." Sounds like what they need to see is that your husband's behavior is unacceptable and will not be allowed. Get the order, get the order, get the order. He will learn from it what the new rules are, and if he chooses to violate them, he will be choosing legal consequences. The order itself doesn't send him to jail. As for his blaming you for protecting yourself and your children, so what? You can't take seriously the judgments of someone who won't even take responsibility for his own actions. His "blaming" you is just part of his manipulation of you.

If you do get the order, make sure you use it! If he violates it, call the police.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm dealing with having very recently been assaulted by my (now ex-) partner. The best part about this otherwise difficult time in my life is the "no contact" order that will be in place until the (criminal) case is over (which could be as much as a couple of years). So I'm close to these issues right now.

Best of luck today.

 

[anni]

I'm very sorry you're in this position. Michel said so much so very well. It's sometimes hard to hear but you do have yourself to think of and your children first. Your husband betrayed you by his actions and it's easy to fall into the mindset that perhaps you're btraying him by filing. You're feeling many, many things right now and only just beginning to seperate as your own person. He's carefully built this control over your thoughts over many years to the point where perhaps it does seem like a betrayal to you that you actually would 'tell' on him for behaving badly. It just isn't. I hear in your post some very conflicted feelings which tell me clearly you you're afraid of him, do resent his abuse then seem to snap back to viewing him as some basically ok-guy who has understandably been pushed too far.
I really, really do not wish to make you feel more conflicted but it really is the result of his manipulations that your head is telling you that at the moment. Good guys don't end up with even the possibility of that order in front of a judge.

It's scary to take this step and scary not to. He put you here, not you or some mild misunderstanding. There are domestic abuse groups who might be able to help you in various ways. Some will even send someone to court with you as support, it all depends on the group because many are private. It was brave of you to even post, and please do keep talking this out. In the midst of all the craziness if there is someone you can talk to it's a good thing to do, whether it's a good therapist of a minister. Ministers are generally trained beautifully in counseling and are very well connected in crisis management.

I'm very glad Michel answered you so well! She's better than I am with writing through these things and keeping her spelling intact, I see. Mine just went all to heck so have stopped being at all helpful. Please do take care of yourself and the children, ok?

Anni

 

[seedling]

The Order of Protection won't bring on any war that wasn't already started (by him). Stake out your boundaries and keep to them. Your children will thank you for trying to protect them. If he hurts them it's his fault, not yours.

Hang in there, I am thinking of you and this hard thing you have to deal with.

take care

 

[intothelight]

Hi Maryann,

The order is important for the legal foundation. Also, do not allow him any contact with you except through your attorney. It is rough, and yes, the order may make him angry. Is there a group that works with domestic violence victims in your community? If so, you should contact them as they are a great source of information and support. Also, if you are afraid, it is good to sometimes leave town to permit a "cooling off" period.

I've done this so many times it starts to feel routine at this point. Hang in there.

ITL

 

[Maryann]

Thanks for the support! The judge signed it in 10 minutes! It took over 1 1/2 hours to get my mind and thoughts together enough to write out the most recent events...but it paid off! I didn't have his address and had to call his mom to get it. She was hesitant to give it to me, but did not knowing exactly why. The trade off was I had to listen to her warped mindset that mimics her sons. I feel a little guilty for not being honest with her, but I needed to have his address. My family offered to pay for a security system in my house so I will take care of it tomorrow. I will call in the address to the court tomorrow as well. Since his mother is having surgery on Friday, I don't think he will come down here anytime soon. Plus his mom is sick right now. My T gave me a number for domestic abuse support for the whole family even though the kids are still in denial. I haven't called them yet and am very overwhelmed with "have-to's/ "need-to's" right now.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Maryann,

You're doing a great job of taking the steps necessary to help yourself and your children. Sounds like you have a good support system, so don't be hesitant to use it.

Thinking of you.

ITL

 

[anni]

Hi again Maryann,

Ditto here, too! I keep reading what others write and they just make me redundant from what I'd say. It's both one of the awful things here but a wonderful thing that others know exactly what you're going through, you know?

Overwhelming yes. So sorry, and hang in there. As Intothelight said, thinking of you. I think also you did really, really well. I was progressively less coherant with these and you sound as if you're becoming clearer and clearer.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Michel]

Good for you, Maryann! I know exactly how you feel about being overwhelmed by all the things that need doing. But I would recommend for now doing the "one more thing" of calling the domestic violence support number you were given. I've only had access to this kind of support since the first court date about the assault (not even a week ago), but it's a relief to have someone to call when something comes up that complicates things and you don't know what to do. In my (admittedly minimal) experience, domestic violence advocates are very patient, generous, and respectful (my experience of being treated with respect was powerful for me, because I was starting to forget what that felt like).

Anyway, congratulations!