Sexual Assault Total Confusion

[bluebird]

I have one clear memory which is from the age of three - maybe, I am not certain, but I am really, really very small - and I am scared (I have already written it in another thread).

There is a lot of very confused memories - basicaly the same situation, me naked, my little hands on his body - oh, how terribly dirty they seem to me - different places, different emotions... I don´t know how many times it happened. I don´t know how old I am. I though these weren´t true... But I started to remember one of these more clearly, so I guess the rest of them is real as well, they are not made up, these are not just my imagination as I used to hope... :no::no::no:

I didn´t even mind I think, I kind of - got used to it? I feel terribly guilty I got used to it... I didn´t know it was wrong. I was scared sometimes, but it wasn´t painful, he wanted me to do it, I just did what he wanted... I feel so filthy, so horribly, horribly guilty, because I didn´t even try to protest... I had no idea it was that bad... I was three years old... :(

And many confused things I say to my friend when I cry for a long time and then I kind of fall into childhood way of thinking:

"I liked red candies. I wanted to eat them." I hate red candies. (I know - although I don´t remember - he gave these to me, I liked candies and it makes me feel guilty...)
"My mum doesn´t like me. He said she doesn´t." (I refuse to believe this one, I refuse to believe he would have said this, it would make him a very bad person indeed - I refuse... I know it is bad enough abusing me but telling me my mum doesn´t love me anymore? Why? Why, why, why? I refuse to believe this and yet I said it loudly, I had to say it, I knew it was true somewhere deep and it hurts and I don´t want it to be real...:no:)
"I don´t like him."
"I don´t like his smell."
"I am scared."
"Mummy isn´t here. Why isn´t she here?"
"I don´t want to come upstairs."
"I have a little brother at home, mummy brought him for us. He can´t talk yet, he can´t walk either."
"I like to make sandcakes and build towers from wooden and plastic cubes. I love them falling down."
I" don´t have second teeth - I don´t even know what does it mean, I simply have my own teeth..."

And finaly - to my best friend - "I don´t know you. Can you tell me a fairy-tale? Will you build a sandcastle for me?" - what the hell? I know him... But when I start talking like a small child, he has no name. I don´t know many words I know nowadays, like computer or mobile phone or even some phrases I am using now frequently, when he uses them, I don´t understand. I am stuck in the mind of a three years old child.

And then there is one memory, I know I am eight years old, my granduncle came to me when I turned away for a while and started touching me in a room where were another people, all around me... I though I was safe... (I guess that´s the reason why I hate staying back to people, I always have to sit with my back to the wall, otherwise I feel like I am in danger). And the rest of the summer - constant fear, although nothing ever happened again, it was the last time, I was very, very scared, I avoided him, my head hurt as hell and I never, never ever went with him again, I never turned my back to him, never, ever... I was scared every waking minute. I got used to it, eventually. My head stopped aching. I hated to look at him. I hated him. I though I will die the moment my baby sister was born a few years later, I so desperately wanted to save her, but I was powerless, I had no strength, I was still a child... I was scared to death, but I had no words...

This year I found out she is ok. He didn´t hurt her. But I still feel kind of responsible for not trying to protect her. I was just scared to death and I had no voice. This made me feel like a horrible person.

What really scares me is the gap between three and eight. I don´t know what was happening. Maybe nothing. Maybe always the same. Maybe somthing else. I don´t know. I don´t want to know. I wish I could wake up and find out it was all just a nightmare, that it´s gone forever... I want to wake up. But it´s not gonna happen. :trapped:

I am tired. The memory from eight years came when I was at bath... I don´t want to take showers anymore... But I have to... I can´t live in filth... It is better when I bath at the afternoon than in the evening. I hate white shower gel, I got horribly scared when I saw it on my hands, I was scared to death, although no memory came back, I don´t know, maybe it´s just my nerves, my imagination driving me mad... I started using soap instead and it is better...

And I want sand and I want somebody to tell me fairy-tales... :(

 

[Ryn]

You are very brave for getting this all out. Just want you to know someone is listening and here for you while you process all of this. :hug: Maybe you could do some extra self-care... get out a big volume of Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales and turn on some ocean waves sounds and let yourself relax for a bit? :)

 

[Muruluisku]

Bluebird *giving you a safe hug, stroking your hair and holding your warm, caring hands*
* Picking up the little bluebird safely, and putting her on a sand pit*
*Sitting on the edge of the sandpit watching her play*
Let me tell you a story of a little baby elephant, while you play with the sand:

"Once upon a time, in a far corner of Africa, lived a sad little baby elephant. She was sad because she could hear her mother calling and her friends playing on the other side of savanna, but she could not join them. You see, she was captured by humans, so that one day she could work for them. The baby elephant had a rope around her ankle, and the rope was fastened into the ground with a steel pin.

Night fell over the savanna and a lovely colourful butterfly fluttered along and whispered to the baby elephant "what are you standing there for, run along to your mummy, it's bed time". Poor little baby elephant pulled and struggled, but could not free herself from the rope, thus she was stuck. Morning came and the little baby elefant felt a little smaller than before, a little weaker, and a bit more sad, for she could not escape despite of the butterfly's encouragement.

Another night fell over the savanna and a beautiful stripy snake rattled along and slithered to the baby elephant "what are you standing there for, run along to your mummy, it's bed time". Poor little baby elephant pulled and struggled, but could not free herself from the rope, thus she was stuck. Morning came and the little baby elefant felt a little more smaller than before, a little more weaker, and a lot more sad, for she could not escape despite of the snake's encouragement.

Another night fell over the savanna and a pretty little bluebird flew along and sang to the baby elephant "what are you standing there for, run along to your mummy, it's bed time". Poor little baby elephant pulled and struggled, but could not free herself from the rope, thus she was stuck. Morning came and the little baby elefant cried big fat tears because she felt the smallest of all, weaker than ever before, and so very sad, for she could not escape despite of the bluebird's encouragement.

A year went by and the elephant's legs grew bigger and bigger, and the rope frayed thinner and thinner over time. Yet the elephant had stopped pulling and struggling, for she knew she could not escape.

Another year went by and the elephant grew taller and taller and the steel pin smaller and smaller in comparison. Yet the elephant had stopped pulling and struggling, for she knew she could not escape.

Another year went by and the elephant had grown stronger and stronger, with muscly legs and long trunk. Yet she had stopped pulling and struggling, for she knew she could not escape.

Another night fell over and the elephant had a dream, a memory of the time whe she ran free with other baby elephants. She saw her mummy in the dream, and heard her mummy call her. Still half asleep, she started to struggle, and the steel pin came off the ground, easy. She ran and ran and the rope got tangled in a tree. She pulled with all her strength and the rope snapped in two, easy. Morning came and the elephant found her way to her old herd, to her mummy.

To this day the rope remains around her ankle, but she no longer is bound by it. From then on she lived happily ever after."

<3: Muru