Totally Knocked For Six - PTSD Back With A Vengeance

[sticks-and-stones]

I thought I'd been doing so well - until yesterday when suddenly the PTSD came back with a vengence. :wall:

I had been feeling crap all day, really crap. Was curled up in the foetus position under my blanket until half an hour before I had to leave the house to go to my birthday party, incapable of doing anything, until my lovely housemate came in and sweet-talked me up.
I was surprised to find I then enjoyed it quite a lot, but at about midnight, I totally dissociated and had to leave.

Today's been very bad as well. I off-loaded to a close friend this afternoon which I think was helpful, but it meant opening up wounds.

I know I need to pick myself up and just get on with it. But it's so hard. I have a presentation to give tomorrow lunchtime and I can't do it.
My sister is coming to visit on Wednesday and I have to pretend everything's just fine and at the moment, it seems like I have so many things I need to do - but whereas normally, I'd write a list and then allocate a time in which to get it done, then appreciate the satisfaction of ticking it off, I just can't concentrate or do anything but curl up and cry for no reason.

I often say that saying "I have PTSD, it doesn't have me" - but sometimes it seems I'm losing the battle.

 

[clare]

Hi sticks-and-stones,

Did you get through the presentation? How are things going now?

Thinking of you,

clare

 

[sticks-and-stones]

Hi Clare,

Thank you for your reply. It means a lot that someone replies to support a complete stranger.

I woke at 6am, wide awake immediately, and after a few too many mindless games of computer solitaire and some breakfast, I had loads of time to work on the presentation, which my lecturer said was really good so I was chuffed with that.

Today's been a much better day than the two before. I feel I'm back on top of things again which is great.

Also I had a stroke of luck too - I made an appointment to see the advisor who refers me to a counsellor (only had my PTSD diagnosis a few weeks ago) and I was lucky enough that she had a space for me earlier this afternoon. She didn't ask many questions either which was good, and then said there'd been a cancellation with the counsellor and how was TOMORROW!?!

Now I've got to work on Thursday's presentation - but I feel I can do anything now! :)

 

[Ursa]

I am glad you are doing better.

I have a hard time with my birthday too. Mine is a week away and I am on the bed already.

Thanks for posting that you are doing better. It helps me to keep going.

 

[sticks-and-stones]

Hi Ursa,

Happy Birthday for next week. It's hard isn't it, because there's all this pressure to celebrate and enjoy yourself, and people are still asking me "ooh did you have a good day?" and I just have to smile sweetly and nod.

I think my downfall was drinking alcohol on my birthday itself (cos I had two parties on different nights for different groups of people) and as I only normally drink one glass when I'm in a positive mood, drinking quite a bit acted as a depressant for the next day or two I think.

Learn from my mistake and don't force yourself to do anything your gut instinct is telling you not to. (In my case, spend longer than I should have in a bar with memories attached (not particularly strong memories, but enough all the same it seemed) so that I dissociated and then had to come home.)

Good luck - and happy birthday again. I'll be thinking of you. :)