Tough weekend

[FauxLiz]

My t and I agreed to cancel my session yesterday due to weather conditions. This was a good thing as both of the highways that I would have taken to and from were closed at or near the times I would have been on them which means they were bad.

But, that just exacerbated my challenges this weekend. I have been battling with insurance companies, with my employer late in the week and most recently had a difficult conversation with River Oaks.

It feels as though the universe is trying to tell me to stop trying. It feels as though I should just accept that this is my life, hypervigilent, anxious, struggling to work or keep my job because of issues with crowds, closed door rooms, fear of conflict and working in a completely toxic workplace. I feel as though God has been punishing me my entire life and I just don't know what I did as a child to incur his wrath.

So I am struggling this weekend, depression, self harm, suicidal ideation all running through my head on this constant unending loop. I have tried sleeping it away it didn't work. I don't have any alcohol currently and don't want to brave the roads to get any I just want to numb out, to turn off my brain and completely shut the world out.

 

[scout86]

The universe isn't telling you to stop and God isn't punishing you. Even if that's exactly the way it feels.

You've had a lot of challenges lately and haven't caught a break yet. I think there'd have to be something wrong with you if it didn't bother you. Is there a way you can just give yourself the weekend off? Relax and do things you enjoy? You definitely deserve a couple days of R&R.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thanks @scout86 i have been trying to take it easy binge watching tv, making comfort food to eat and ignoring the dishes and laundry it is so hard to focus on possible positive changes when life seems to beat me down over and over

 

[Freida]

I agree with @scout86 This isn't punishment. This is just crappy timing. And I know you are in a bad place right now but look back over the last week and see how much you have been dealing with! Of course you are tired and upset -- anyone would be.

stay inside, watch the snow fall, think of it as enforced relaxation. Maybe it's a good thing you are stuck in the house?? To let yourself and your poor brain rest for a day or so? Binge and munch away - it's ok to take some time just to rest and recharge. You have so very much going on --- you deserve a chance to just do nothing for a bit.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@FauxLiz You’ve been really busy at helping yourself, and just because you couldn’t make the appointment does not mean that the world is out to get you. Try and turn the negative into the positive. I know it’s hard to do, but seriously, think of all of the fighting that you’ve done lately for YOU!!! All the phone calls, the persistent attitude you’ve had to fight for you. So therapy got canceled... It will get rescheduled and the fight will continue. You are on the right path....

 

[FauxLiz]

@She Cat, @Freida, and @scout86 thank you for the support. I have tried to spend today unplugged and have struggled watching TV. Only a few more days until the end of my annual 3+ months of traumaversaries I hate all of the fake love, romance and sweetness covering the reality of life’s ugliness, abuse and pain.

 

[Freida]

traumaversaries! I love that!!! I may have to steal it to describe January

 

[FauxLiz]

@Freida you are welcome to use it I discovered the term on this site maybe a year ago and it helps to explain things that can otherwise be hard for new people also it explains how many acts and reactions can interplay

This is headed towards a challenging week I just hope I end the week upright, safe, and someplace I trust