I think the word infatuation describes how I felt about my T.
That makes total sense...glad to see you have some power over it....and get where it's coming from and have direction with these feelings. That's really good work! In the moment, when I don't understand is when I'm more likely to do the same thing, ....participate in a head game that has no chance of becoming a reality. Head games with self can really ramp up anxiety....can empathize there.....but so glad to see you being able to piece it together! Kudos to you.Thanks @somerandomguy . I'd be really interested in what you learn about transference if you wanted to share more.
I've been thinking a lot about it and *I think* I'm getting a bit of critical distance from the feelings to try and work out what's going on. I (or a little me part) was being too focused on being excited about what her feelings for me were and just wanting to think about the relationship, rather than working on: why. But I think I can work on the 'why' now.
And think it is a parental transference. And think the erotic seduction type thing is just little me ramping up games I play as trying to draw her in as my mummy didn't make her be my mummy. So the other ability I have (in little me's mind) is getting people to behave sexually abusively with me, so that's little me ramping up the game to get her to see me as the special one and get that attention from her. Obviously I have absolutely no desire for this to really happen, which is why I think I have been confused.
But it's all just a game little me is playing to get her to be my replacement parent?
I think. Something like that anyways.
Thinking like this, is helping me reduce the anxiety that she will terminate me. Because it's making me see that I won't and can't make her cross boundaries and make her terminate me. It's just a game in my head I'm playing out, rather than a 'real' thing.