Transference - how to come through the over side?

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I think the word infatuation describes how I felt about my T.
Thanks @somerandomguy . I'd be really interested in what you learn about transference if you wanted to share more.

I've been thinking a lot about it and *I think* I'm getting a bit of critical distance from the feelings to try and work out what's going on. I (or a little me part) was being too focused on being excited about what her feelings for me were and just wanting to think about the relationship, rather than working on: why. But I think I can work on the 'why' now.
And think it is a parental transference. And think the erotic seduction type thing is just little me ramping up games I play as trying to draw her in as my mummy didn't make her be my mummy. So the other ability I have (in little me's mind) is getting people to behave sexually abusively with me, so that's little me ramping up the game to get her to see me as the special one and get that attention from her. Obviously I have absolutely no desire for this to really happen, which is why I think I have been confused.
But it's all just a game little me is playing to get her to be my replacement parent?

I think. Something like that anyways.
Thinking like this, is helping me reduce the anxiety that she will terminate me. Because it's making me see that I won't and can't make her cross boundaries and make her terminate me. It's just a game in my head I'm playing out, rather than a 'real' thing.

I think?
That makes total sense...glad to see you have some power over it....and get where it's coming from and have direction with these feelings. That's really good work! In the moment, when I don't understand is when I'm more likely to do the same thing, ....participate in a head game that has no chance of becoming a reality. Head games with self can really ramp up anxiety....can empathize there.....but so glad to see you being able to piece it together! Kudos to you.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I think the word infatuation describes how I felt about my T.
Ahhhh. Good word! I think that is the word I will use when talking to T about this, rather than 'love'. Because it isn't love but is infatuation. Thank you.

Head games with self can really ramp up anxiety....can empathize there.....but so glad to see you being able to piece it together! Kudos to you.
Oh gosh, they really do! Thanks for the reminder. And the kind words.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Update:
I'm still going through all the transference with T.
But I think I have realised (I hope) that my little child part loves T. Adult me doesn't. Adult me deeply respects T, values her insight and support, but I can't love someone I don't know.
I've sort of made declarations of love to her over the months, and think this is the next installment of talking about the transference with her.
I think I now have this critical distance to have the feelings, but know where they come from, but they aren't all consuming. They are still there. Very much. But I also think I'm able to be a little bit of the parent to my little me, and so the transference is changing a little?
I hope!

I've read and re-read this article, and find it really helpful:

It's all about transference love and counter transference love.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
So of course I spoke too soon. And nearly cried yesterday when it was time to end the therapy session as I didn't want to let T go and not see her for a week, and was so sad that she reminded me that the relationship we have is a theraputic one. Little me didn't want that reminder.
So I was all consumed by those emotions yesterday.
Argh.
 
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