I think the only way through transference seems to be talking about it with your T? It has really helped me although so awkward and uncomfortable to do initially.
This new T, unlike the other one, seems willing to discuss whatever needs to be discussed. My last T was not always present in hard conversations...and this new one is very grounded...it's a very different relationship. Doing pretty good.....kayaking has made a world of difference.....getting out in the sunshine.
That's definitely a great topic for working through with her.will make her do something bad to hurt and abandon me, because I'm bad and this is what I do.
My T asked me last week, when the therapy dynamics changed to more serious....and my insiders decided to kind of hi-jack therapy. She asked me if I felt that a part of me was sabotaging therapy. I nodded.....I totally get the I'm bad, no good, and you'll abandon me theme. So this go round, with a new more experienced trauma therapist, (I had the transference with the last one and she refused to talk about it....and her behavior encouraged it). I just wanted to go home with her and have her take care of me....I left that therapist dissatisfied for a number of reasons....the transference felt shameful, I felt needy, and was not going to therapy to feel needy and shameful.Update on the transference turmoil:
I'm trying to process what on earth happened in therapy today. We spoke a lot about transference and counter transference. She spoke about her caring too much for me last week (inside I jump with absolute joy when she says this) and wanting to take my pain away when I got overwhelmed. And she spoke about the week before backing away from me saying I had missed her (inside I am doing the opposite of jumping for joy).
She wants to know what she represents to me. I have no idea what she represents. We've spoken about her being a parent figure. But I'm not it is that now.
I don't think it is erotic? I don't have sexual feelings for her. But a deep emotion.
What I'm left feeling is this feeling I had when I was younger: that I can seduce her, win her over so that she crosses boundaries with me, and then does something that is unethical and then has to terminate me.
Basically: I will make her do something bad to hurt and abandon me, because I'm bad and this is what I do.
Am I playing out this abuser role thing with her?
I did this over and over and over , sexually, as a young teenager. Is this the dynamic I'm playing out with her?
I'm at a total loss.
All I know is that I have deep feelings for her, and I'm so joyful if she says something similar, but also petrified.
This is so hard.
I'm so confused.
What on earth is a normal, healthy, appropriate relationship with a therapist? I did say to her I didn't know if my feelings were healthy or unhealthy/ appropriate or not. She said it sounded as though my feelings about her are helping me through a really hard time, so it's giving me something positive. Which it is. I feel her kindness and care, and it's making me stay in therapy and address my trauma, when other parts of me want to run away from it all.
I don't know what I'm asking with this post. But sharing my turmoil. If you have any words of wisdom: gratefully received!