Transference

[GWhizz]

@anthony for what it's worth. I had to google it :), I'm not too hip with the jive

 

[StellaBlue]

interesting you see it as a distraction from the real work - do you not think it might BE the real work?

I've started to realize that this is very true - and very difficult. I am struggling mightly with transference issues right now and it's bringing to light a lot of issues about my childhood and how I learned to cope (or not cope) with strong emotions. Honestly, I'd rather do straight out trauma exposure therapy than sort this crap out...at the same time, I think sorting it out is part of what it's all about.

 

[GWhizz]

I've had a good think about all of your responses, thank you all for sharing your different experiences on this.

@NovemberStar I definitely think that working through this with my T will address some of my deeper attachment and abandonment issues so I am glad it has come up though I know it will be tough. I trust that my T has my best interests in mind and she is fully aware that the adult in me does not want another parent at all. It's great to hear your T is working well with you on this and that it's an important stage of the therapeutic process.

@Leah123 great that you're having a healthy outcome from all of this. It's reassuring to hear.

I'm still super nervous about meeting my T tomorrow afternoon and where we may go from here but I'm sure she is well experienced in this regard and will address it in a healthy positive manner. At the end of the day, I would not be devastated if therapy were to end if it meant that I could work better with someone else, so I don't see it as a problem as @Laura 2 you did. I think you just had a negative experience with someone who you came te trust who took advantage and I'm sorry that this happened to you. Have you discussed this with your current T? Surely they could shed more light on it for you.

 

[NovemberStar]

@StellaBlue that is definetly true.

In the past I AVOIDED facing and dealing with transference in therapy. It was too painful and raw and I didn't see the 'point'. I was also previously shamed in a therapeutic setting with regard to transference so it's taken me almost 20 years to be brave enough to 'go there'.

The difference this time is that I'm talking to my T about it openly and honestly. This has meant I've been able to go a bit further than merely feeling the horrid pain and suffering it's bought me in the past - as you said, it brings out a whole new level of 'in touch with childhood emotions and pain'.

But at the same time - it means I'm able to work through and heal from the real issues at the core of my PTSD.

Namely the 'traumatic relationships' I had growing up. But this time it's within a very safe and healing relationship - with my T ;).

 

[GWhizz]

Great points @StellaBlue and @NovemberStar.

You guys are actually helping me feel positive about working through this and that maybe I am finally working through some of my deeper childhood trauma

 

[Laura 2]

@Laura 2 interesting you see it as a distraction from the real work - do you not think it might BE the real work?

The very nature of transference is that is is unresolved (emotional) intimacy issues, where our therapeutic relationship starts to mirror past relationships; ....

@NovemberStar - your questions are very interesting, I think it's good to review and explore this transference issue.

The way I see it is less complex. I was traumatised by people and events completely outside my control, exacerbated by seemingly endless subsequent abuse when I was exceptionally vulnerable: the fact of my vulnerabilities induced cruel/callous/psychopathic individuals to abuse me - not because of anything intrinsically lacking or damaged in me. I need help with overcoming the horrendous after-effects of the trauma they inflicted. My position is that the cruel/callous/psychopathic people are really in more need of serious MH treatment and even locking up.

That the people and events were outside my control completely doesn't suggest to me first and foremost that I need to revisit my parental relationships.

Reading this forum in the last few weeks has, though, made me look at those parental relationships and wonder if I too had such bad parents. I realised that I could indeed ruminate on all my parents' faults and abuses and build a whole nightmare of them...so I looked at their overall results again and can see that, whilst I definitely didn't get the ideal parents I might have wanted and might have had a better start in life with, they were good enough, especially considering the difficulties they were struggling with and had overcome.

A very wise woman once told me her opinion that 'Most of life is unfinished business' and I've often pondered her wisdom over the years. For me, a better solution is to work on a realistic balance of acceptance in the manner of
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

Equally, I've had experience of transference in therapy - as I described in previous posts where the therapist utterly abused her power and made me into her 'good mother' and 'good counsellor' because she trusted neither her mother nor counsellors but, because she had power over me and I'm a nice, kind sort she felt in control enough to be able to be herself and try and get her needs met (sod mine!!).

Also in this long therapy-search I've also encountered quite inept or ego-maniacal individuals who e.g. will make you, the client, feel stupid for asking for help; those who are insistent that PTSD is your issue, your mind that's at fault and because I-can't-help-you,-you-must-be-too-defective; those who don't even know what PTSD is and thus you are somehow misinformed for raising the problem or you know too much for your own good; those who chortle at the most sensitive parts of the history; those who are defeatist and tell you that well, perhaps there isn't any help for you, etc etc. These are also forms of transference - transferring their inadequacies and ignorance onto you. It can be a dangerous process and, from what I've seen, the NHS and the private sector are not as good as we need them to be in the boundary department, especially where potential for permeable boundaries arise.

 

[StellaBlue]

@NovemberStar and @Laura 2 - I had a very bad experience with transference in therapy about 20 years ago as well and it left me not able to trust myself or therapists. I've noticed when things get especially difficult with my current therapist, it brings back all sorts of memories and feelings about that time. But I've also begun to see patterns of behavior mirrored in my interaction with my current therapist and, at least for now, I think it's good to explore these with someone who is not going to take advantage and has good boundaries.

However, I do agree, there are a lot of folks out there who shouldn't be practicing therapy - and that makes me very angry and sad. It's such a vulnerable position to be in and, like you said @Laura 2, there are inept and/or ego-maniacal people who can easily make things worse. When it happened to me, I was convinced it was because I was flawed.

 

[GWhizz]

So just wanted to update you all.

I had my session this afternoon and wow, I was worried for nothing. My T did not make a big deal out of these revelations at all. She assured me it was all normal and part of the process and that we'll work through what we need to.

I did manage to tell her about a really difficult trauma that was quite fragmented and so I feel really floored after this. But overall I'm feeling positive that she knows what to do to get me through this

 

[Laura 2]

My T did not make a big deal out of these revelations at all. She assured me it was all normal and part of the process and that we'll work through what we need to.

Waayhaaay! Excellent news...what a huge relief for you :tup:

But it's another one of those been-there-done-that echoes for me, why do we crucify ourselves about therapy issues needlessly?

 

[GWhizz]

I know right @Laura 2 - as if we don't already have enough to be dealing with

 

[BloomInWinter]

Transference is a powerful therapy tool. It's supposed to happen. It's expected to happen. It is our brain matching the current relationship to a past one needing resolution.