Trauma And Sadism

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey guys,

My brain has been full of fog this past week so I did not try and comprehend anything written here, haha. But I appreciate your responses and am going to see if I can get some focus now...

I know that we all too often feel guilt and shame for not challenging that authoritah, but there are very good reasons why it was better not to.

I did challenge my abuser though, and we probably all did at some point - only to find out that they could use that against us, because it would give them an excellent excuse to increase the abuse.

But still it's difficult to call her sadistic because I also saw her struggle with her own mind - psychotic episodes.

I think I know what you feel. My abuser - the one who did the physical assault - was also my mother and she had some major mental health issues as well, that were however never diagnosed and she was never on any kind of medication. It makes me feel grief for her because I know exactly what she went through. Thanks to her...

In my case, she doesn´t remember what she did to me. I think she´s got some sort of amnesia. She does remember that she attacked me often - but in her head, it isn´t so bad, and also she doesn´t remember the horrible crap she´d scream at me.

i actually have been wondering if I have borderline personality disorder as a result of all this.

I can´t give you a professional opinion. But in my personal experience, there might be a truth to this. I was diagnosed with BPD instead of PTSD when I first went to see a mental health professional. It was only afterwards that they changed the diagnose to trauma. When you´re a kid, you´re developing emotional stability.

You´re supossed to be learning the right amount of attachment and the right way to deal with intense emotion, rather than getting carried away. If your parents show that they aren´t emotionally stable and they can´t manage their own emotions, instead just deal with them as if they were small children themselves, then you´re bound to adopt that behavior.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

We do what we can to survive. There were many times in my life where I felt that I did want what was happening, that I did encourage it. It is brainwashing.

I´m glad you said that, because it did feel like being brainwashed - but I feel like I´ve been resisting the brainwash all my life and hence it did never really stop haunting me. I had nightmares and visions afterwards of said abuser humiliating me and trying to convince me that I was the one that was asking for it.

Some seem to have more latent potential for it than others.

I don´t fully agree with this though. Depends on how you define "potential", and what are the factors that influence this potential? My abuser was never abused herself and yet she went full psychopath on me. She had major hormonal issues that she had never had checked, probably in combination with a proclivity for mental illness.

Not only did I inherit the trauma she gave to me, I inherited the same exact hormonal imbalance and the same proclivity (in my case, for development of PTSD). Yet the hormonal make-up and whether or not you are prone to mental illness is not somebody´s inherent nature (which is what I mean when I say "I am not PTSD".

I worked to not be evil. But I did try emotionally abusing other kids as a child ( after all, all the adults in my life took everything out on me; surely it was a good coping skill?)...and I felt guilty, pained, and sad.

I emotionally abused a couple of ex boyfriends. It wasn´t their fault, it had absolutely nothing to do with them. I physically attacked one of them (once, but this time I did have a good reason to do so). But I completely agree with what @Stickler says. You have to work hard to not become evil. If you don´t work hard, then becoming an asshole is fairly easy.

 

[Changing4Best]

When I was a young child, my grandfather, who would molest me, remarked to one of the persons he brought in to watch (a priest!) and said, "She how she likes it," or "see how she eats it up?" That last was because he had taught me to do something with my mouth... so yes, we did not ask to be taught to like these things and we certainly did not ask to have them done to us. Abuse against NOT liking them, caused us maybe to SEEM as if we liked them, but I assure you that I did not like them one bit! I was FORCED to like them, "Or else."

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I´m sorry you experienced that @SheilaKathy , the fact that you´re still here attests to a strength that none of our abusers will ever comprehend. I doubt that they understand the emotional resilicieny neccesary for a kid to recuperate from complete invasion of who they are.

The good news is that -despite attempts on part of our abusers to completely annul our individualism - we grow up and start to discover who we are, bit by bit. Kudos to anyone who achieves that, I say. It´s a long process and it takes an incredible lot of courage but we´re getting there.