Trauma Diary #1

[jessME]

This is my first trauma diary, and it would only be appropriate to start at the beginning. Generational trauma. My father was born in 1964 to a very young woman and young man. Neither were married and gave my father up for adoption. The trauma of feeling abandoned. My mother also dealt with abandonment and abuse. The events my parents faced I know, directly effects my own trauma. I always wanted my mom and dad to love me more than they knew how. The abandonment and negligence I faced with my parents made me feel desperate the cling on to anyone who ever showed me attention, good or bad. I just wanted to feel seen, not forgotten. I still cry on days when the lonliness kicks in. When I feel essentially my family is happy or perfectly fine not speaking with me or being part of my life. My parents frequently forgot about me growing up. Schools events, plays and sports programs I did to garner their attention and love equalled to me always being in the negative. I was alone with my pain. Things that happened directly to me or indirectly were mine and mine alone. I get angry because I wasn't a bad kid, I was just more sensitive and perceptive then most and hard a time keeping my mouth shut. My father and biological mother divorced. Which sent me at 6, into a spiral of feeling like everything was my fault. If I had just been less needy and have them more space or time. I know thats not the case. But as kids we always try to understand our world and reality. I couldn't even begin to fathom the mind games all of my parents would engage in as I got older. Even now writing this down is hard and those whispers of judgment I hear are that I have betrayed my family for speaking about the above-mentioned. Still learning that I don't need to hold quiet space for my abusers.