Justmehere
Sponsor
I have a very raw disease and it flares up at times and I have to get treatment within 24 hours of that happens or I permanently lose ability. (I'm being vague for privacy sake.)
Doctors are a huge trigger for me. I had an doctor appointment today with a very specific kind of specialist. There are only 2 doctors within 300 miles who treat this very rare disease I have that could cause serious harm to me if I don't get the treatment. When I called to make the appointment yesterday, the secretary told me that I could come in at 2:30 today. I stated I have a meeting that I am facilitating with over 40 people and city council task force later that day, and 12:30 would be making it tight. I asked for an earlier time. She immediately put me on hold and she had to talk to the doctor. She talked to the doc and came right back on the phone. She said I could come in at 11am. I went in at 11am. The office was closed and some men were installing carpet. They saw me and said oh, the doctor is waiting for you.
The doctor was out on the patio. I sat in the waiting room, and the construction crew was super nice to me. I felt so panicky, but they told me all is ok. A woman was in the corner, just standing there, watching the crew and me. She didn't introduce herself and I felt so awkward I couldn't quite get the nerve to introduce myself to her. The doctor was on the patio off to the side just chatting and laughing with someone. I don't know who.
The doc finally came in at 11:20. We went back to her office. She immediately railed into me that she has to arrange childcare for her two year old just to come in and treat me at 11am. I told her, I thought I was on time... I was so confused about the sudden anger. She said I came on time but I was not taking my health seriously enough and I should have come in at 2:30. I told her I had no idea 11am was a problem or that the office was closed until I arrived, I told her what the secretary said... I began to panic so bad. I felt like a 12 year old in trouble again because I made a family member mad and don't know why.
She just continued to rant that I was not taking my health seriously enough and I would have to make more regular appointments. I told her I'm glad to do that. I will do it anytime, I will even cancel the city council task force meeting later, etc. I was just trying to get her to stop being so mad. Anything.
She started the process to measure and treat my flare up. I continued to panic so bad I had to get up and leave 3 times to puke in the bathroom. Every time I came back and she restarted the lecture and began to make broad character attacks as I hyperventilated. She demanded I list all recent doctor appointments and blood work and I was shaking so bad, I said I don't know I can't remember. Was it days? Weeks ago? Come on here and tell me. She has never asked for or needed this info before.
Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. She went on about how my panic made impossible to have a good dr patient relationship and my diagnosis is complicated and maybe wrong (the freaking mayo clinic confirmed the diagnosis) and she especially went off that I need to rearrange my schedule more in the future to make my treatment a higher priority. She said I need to have no other plans on days when I see her (the office visit is supposed to be only 30 minutes). O started to get mad and said ok, then I will need you to adjust the treatment plan because I won't be able to make money to pay for the prescriptions anymore. She then got physically forceful with the treatment, and grabbed my arm. I told her to let go three times and she still would not do that. I said stop stop just stop touching me. She let go and I think I had a full blown flashback, and found myself in the corner begging that she just kill me now. She was standing there with the other woman, both looking annoyed telling me to calm down.
I left her office in a panic, self injuring in a desperate attempt to stop the flashbacks, and crying.
As I write this now, the depth of her horrible treatment of me is hitting me. I am struck by how much I was pulled to stay and try to make it ok, at all costs. Holy cow. I wasn't like my normal adult self at all.
She called the police, who stopped me on the way home. They asked if I was ok, and I said yes, I just need to get home and find a new doctor. They let me go home.
Now I'm frantically trying to pull myself together for this city council task force meeting with 40 citizens.
I don't know why I stayed. I can to see the other doctor - who is much further away - but who is really nice and if I get panicky, he just slows down and asks what would help me.
I called this doc I saw this morning and told them to cancel all future appointments, I won't be returning.
But her anger, her nonsense, her expectation that I mind read and her disregard of my needs... Yes, I need this disease treated but holy cow. I had my phone on voice record for the second half of the time with her, and just listened to it. It is worse than I even thought it would be to hear. How in the world can a medical doctor think she can treat anyone this way?
At one point, she says she knew I had been in a psych hospital and maybe I need to go back. Um that was three years ago for trying to attempt suicide after being r-ped...
What the heck?! How does this happen to me?!
I'm not making this up. It is real. :( I think this one example of what my therapist means when I say I reenact trauma...
Doctors are a huge trigger for me. I had an doctor appointment today with a very specific kind of specialist. There are only 2 doctors within 300 miles who treat this very rare disease I have that could cause serious harm to me if I don't get the treatment. When I called to make the appointment yesterday, the secretary told me that I could come in at 2:30 today. I stated I have a meeting that I am facilitating with over 40 people and city council task force later that day, and 12:30 would be making it tight. I asked for an earlier time. She immediately put me on hold and she had to talk to the doctor. She talked to the doc and came right back on the phone. She said I could come in at 11am. I went in at 11am. The office was closed and some men were installing carpet. They saw me and said oh, the doctor is waiting for you.
The doctor was out on the patio. I sat in the waiting room, and the construction crew was super nice to me. I felt so panicky, but they told me all is ok. A woman was in the corner, just standing there, watching the crew and me. She didn't introduce herself and I felt so awkward I couldn't quite get the nerve to introduce myself to her. The doctor was on the patio off to the side just chatting and laughing with someone. I don't know who.
The doc finally came in at 11:20. We went back to her office. She immediately railed into me that she has to arrange childcare for her two year old just to come in and treat me at 11am. I told her, I thought I was on time... I was so confused about the sudden anger. She said I came on time but I was not taking my health seriously enough and I should have come in at 2:30. I told her I had no idea 11am was a problem or that the office was closed until I arrived, I told her what the secretary said... I began to panic so bad. I felt like a 12 year old in trouble again because I made a family member mad and don't know why.
She just continued to rant that I was not taking my health seriously enough and I would have to make more regular appointments. I told her I'm glad to do that. I will do it anytime, I will even cancel the city council task force meeting later, etc. I was just trying to get her to stop being so mad. Anything.
She started the process to measure and treat my flare up. I continued to panic so bad I had to get up and leave 3 times to puke in the bathroom. Every time I came back and she restarted the lecture and began to make broad character attacks as I hyperventilated. She demanded I list all recent doctor appointments and blood work and I was shaking so bad, I said I don't know I can't remember. Was it days? Weeks ago? Come on here and tell me. She has never asked for or needed this info before.
Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. She went on about how my panic made impossible to have a good dr patient relationship and my diagnosis is complicated and maybe wrong (the freaking mayo clinic confirmed the diagnosis) and she especially went off that I need to rearrange my schedule more in the future to make my treatment a higher priority. She said I need to have no other plans on days when I see her (the office visit is supposed to be only 30 minutes). O started to get mad and said ok, then I will need you to adjust the treatment plan because I won't be able to make money to pay for the prescriptions anymore. She then got physically forceful with the treatment, and grabbed my arm. I told her to let go three times and she still would not do that. I said stop stop just stop touching me. She let go and I think I had a full blown flashback, and found myself in the corner begging that she just kill me now. She was standing there with the other woman, both looking annoyed telling me to calm down.
I left her office in a panic, self injuring in a desperate attempt to stop the flashbacks, and crying.
As I write this now, the depth of her horrible treatment of me is hitting me. I am struck by how much I was pulled to stay and try to make it ok, at all costs. Holy cow. I wasn't like my normal adult self at all.
She called the police, who stopped me on the way home. They asked if I was ok, and I said yes, I just need to get home and find a new doctor. They let me go home.
Now I'm frantically trying to pull myself together for this city council task force meeting with 40 citizens.
I don't know why I stayed. I can to see the other doctor - who is much further away - but who is really nice and if I get panicky, he just slows down and asks what would help me.
I called this doc I saw this morning and told them to cancel all future appointments, I won't be returning.
But her anger, her nonsense, her expectation that I mind read and her disregard of my needs... Yes, I need this disease treated but holy cow. I had my phone on voice record for the second half of the time with her, and just listened to it. It is worse than I even thought it would be to hear. How in the world can a medical doctor think she can treat anyone this way?
At one point, she says she knew I had been in a psych hospital and maybe I need to go back. Um that was three years ago for trying to attempt suicide after being r-ped...
What the heck?! How does this happen to me?!
I'm not making this up. It is real. :( I think this one example of what my therapist means when I say I reenact trauma...
