Trauma Vs Ptsd

[Underdog]

While I went through my last 2 or more years of job related trauma about 2 years ago, one friend suffering from PTSD (non-war related by her admission after returning) stepped in and seemed to recognize how I had changed during that experience. She slowly started telling me her symptoms/reactions while I was in the trauma. I immediately was thinking: "check, check, check, maybe not to that extreme but still a check." I never assumed during that time I had PTSD but the similarities where strikingly odd.

Now, I get that reactions to trauma and stress create some very similar responses. My initial thought upon diagnosis was that PTSD was diagnosed a few months after I left the traumatic job, but my therapist blew that out of the water today. I'm trying to understand what she was saying and would like to hear what you think.

In essence and based upon my perceptions of the conversation, she said: "in my field/experience, after a traumatic event has passed you will slowly start feeling safe again. When you are feeling safe and things seem to be moving forward yet you take another hit, that is when we would expect to see PTSD develop." Again, my words based upon memory of that conversation, not her actual words.

In full disclosure, one of her main concerns seems to be that I can't/won't talk about my internal rage. I never have and find myself terrified of it today. She repeatedly reminds me how my fear started at an early age and has progressed through my life with repeated various issues (I hesitate to use traumas here because I don't truly know yet). I started to today because after she said that a few months ago I felt I needed to, but I am seriously terrified of myself if I start down that road... Ugh... Another issue in and of itself aside from the point of this post.

 

[Notsowild]

I got delayed onset PTSD from childhood trauma. I did have certain symptoms like dissociation and insomnia but the full blown disorder started in my early 30's. Now I know I have complex PTSD plus since my latest trauma it's back full force with a whole bunch of new crazy symptoms.

If you don't mind could you tell me about your job related trauma. After my last trauma I got this new verbally abusive manager at work. It's made my symptoms worse and I've been on stress leave on and off for a year. I've been back two months now and the workplace is still so stressful. I've been thinking about going on disability.

 

[GWhizz]

What your T said makes A LOT of sense to me. The full effects of my trauma never impacted me until I began feeling really safe and almost 'forgetting' about my past trauma. The hit for me was having a baby. That was my trigger and just brought everything flowing back, repressed memories, the lot. It was over ten years since my last trauma. I think of it like this - I spent those ten years or so, coping with just getting through life. I still avoided certain behaviours, became upset at particular things etc. But not until I had the responsibility of looking after another vulnerable child, did my own childhood come flowing back horribly.

I thought I had dealt with it all. But shutting it out was only building it to backfire on me later on.

Honestly, I wonder if I had got help sooner would the impact have been less destructive on my life now. I also wonder would I have been diagnosed sooner and known what I was dealing (or in my case not dealing) with.

Sorry to hijack the thread. It's just reassuring to hear your T make this point.

 

[Underdog]

@Notsowild , I will try my best although legally I can't really go into full details.

When I started the job I loved the daily challenges of figuring out how I was going to get everything done in a finite amount of time. During our second coordinator, I witnessed her personality go from being happy and caring to a real witch. I didn't know why at the time and just assumed she was being overly demanding. Truth later came out a few years after she was fired that she was constantly amazed that I kept up with everything and she had been repeatedly telling management/owners that they were being unreasonable with their demands of my time and asking for more people to be hired.

After she was gone and I was already fairly angry at being called a liar and yelled at because I couldn't get things done in the time frame demanded despite being hourly and not being able to work overtime even if I asked, I came face to face with the real beasts because she wasn't there to mitigate things anymore. The managers/owners literally treated each other and employees as opposing council, not telling them what they needed to know to fully do their jobs and then scapegoating on them all when things were not done correctly. They were overworked themselves, but couldn't see it.

At the same time, the company had an insane growth explosion and only a few corporate departments had people added while our department shrank down to myself and a single coworker (hourly and salary respectively). The excessive demands were relentless. One time a lady needed to go to the restroom and was gone maybe 3 minutes while two people from HR showed up looking for her. She was written up in essence because she didn't take her cell phone with her to the bathroom to answer a call from the owners while she was on the pot. Yeah, it was that ridiculous. I couldn't take lunches and had to work through them and work off the clock to get everything done. Once, I was asked to print thousands of copies then told I couldn't use the printers because it interrupted work flow, so I asked if we could outsource and got a "no, figure it out and make it happen" response. They started verbally attacking me with accusations (which even their proofs used against me stated I had not lied to them if they had just read the full first sentences of my response emails) and once even said privately "why is everyone working here stupid, incompetent and lazy", implying myself in that statement even though I was addressing a huge legal issue with them that they didn't want to hear. In the end, I saw so many legal issues regarding how we/I was being treated and in the work itself that no one would listen to that and I knew it was just a matter of time before someone on the outside called them out and they would blame me despite how I repeatedly raised the red flags. They wouldn't have my back in court just as they didn't have my back at the job, and I felt/believed that I would have ended up alone with legal issues that would have damaged my career future and potential. Also, I knew that while I documented every interaction, it was just a matter of time before they would figure out a way through my defenses to lay full blame on me despite the facts that they had created the issues.

In the end, I found myself wrapped in pure hatred, helplessness and fear. There was nothing I could do that was right and I never knew when management would drop the next bomb or start shooting at me to save themselves. The impossible orders kept coming and no help was on the horizon. That's when I started having nightmares and panic attacks at night, started losing time (especially when driving somewhere, still don't know how I got home many times), I withdrew and started hiding while lashing out to those I loved despite not wanting to and not being able to stop myself, everything I loved seemed like I no longer cared about and couldn't make myself care, etc... I felt myself going in an internal downward spiral, out of control, terrified of where I was going, not able to stop myself and not knowing what was happening inside.

Today, I still am in contact with many of the old employees. Everyone walked away or was fired and only a handful remain after 2 years. They all seem to have walked away very damaged and hurt from their experiences there. Not a single person was happy, and I can't tell you how many times I saw people breaking down, in shock, unable to speak, shaking, flushed and sweating. Everything about that job was toxic.

For me, it played off of internal constructs I had built for myself that I could overcome anything. I had overcome mental abuse as a child into early adulthood, overcome drug usage later and survived many gun fights in the streets and physical attacks. I was strong and I could make it all happen! Oops... Maybe not so much in hindsight... LOL...

Hope that helps a bit. Sorry it was so long. Wasn't sure how to say it all without crossing legal boundaries.

Although I was experiencing PTSD like symptoms, I didn't know it at the time. My therapist's dialogue yesterday made me question the experiences 2 years ago while I went through the trauma. I'm not negating that they were indeed intense, but with the diagnosis recently I figured it had begun at that time. Trying to understand the chain of events a bit from the last strong trauma to today's diagnosis.

 

[Underdog]

@GWhizz , not hijacking at all! It makes sense given what I was told and what I just wrote about my experiences. Honestly, today I find myself angry at my minority community. We all know that substance abuse and other issues run rampant in our community and that the underlining reason is mental health related, yet we have no awareness of it and we don't talk openly about it. I've been wondering myself where I would have been today if the community had just been more open about the issues beneath it all and had provided the resources to help. Would I still be where I am today? Would I have resorted to drugs in my youth to ease the pain? Where would I be today if we were all aware and understood one another better and assisted those in need? Sure, we have suicide prevention hotlines and various support groups for our community, but those resources aren't very publicly announced or talked about.