Trauma VS. Trauma

[linasmom]

Hi,

Since I'm new here, I've been reading around the board a lot. I've started having these feelings of guilt about my own traumas after reading about so many other traumas - especially those traumas dealing with persons who were in the military or who were emergency responders and/or police officers. I feel guilty because those people volunteered to make a contribution to society and as a result, are now suffering because of what they had to endure for us, as a society.

I've started wondering about choices that I've made in my own life after my initial childhood trauma which resulted in further traumas because of the choices that I made and positions I put myself in. I'm starting to feel like it's my own fault and that I should just "get the hell over it" and toughen up because others who are suffering are suffering because they made a choice based on something good, to help other people.

I don't know. Has anyone else experienced this? It's strange for me because I've always had a chip on my shoulder about my traumas. I've always felt like the world owes me everything (I know this is completely wrong) because of what it has been done to me (even though IT did nothing, only certain people did). I've always felt like no one has experienced pain like I have (again, I know logically this is not true and that pain can not be quanitified on a general basis because there is no start or end point and because people experience pain differently). But after reading so many stories about the military and emergency responders, I question my own pain and if its fair.

I'm rambling and a bit confused so I apologize if this does not make sense. I hope this does not come off as me looking for sympathy, I'm just trying to understand my feelings right now.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Lisa]

I think it's quite common for people who come here at first to go through these feelings. It's a new experience, finding so many people suffering similarly but through different trauma's. I agree, it is a great shame that those who have contributed to society have come out suffering with PTSD.

So, there is one person who served their country, or in the emergency services and they have PTSD as a result. That is very sad. You have another, who was traumatised as a little innocent child. That's very sad too. And another, who was just driving their car, just like anybody else... and they crash and come out with PTSD. That's awful too. Someone else, who happens to be walking by, and they witness something awful. Again, very sad.

How somebody got PTSD does not indicate whether another's PTSD is more valid. Nor does it indicate that you're trauma's indicate you to be a lesser person just because you're trauma was not gained during a direct 'act of goodness' through contribution to society. Similarly, some people who end up with PTSD through serving their country, or being in the emergency services sometimes feel guilt... and that their pain is not valid, because their colleagues did not get PTSD, thus they feel 'I must be weak', or less of a person. This is also not true, nor fair to bring good/bad, weakness/strength into the equation of PTSD. It has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Nobody deserves PTSD. No one person here is more worthy of help or support, or less. Nobody chooses PTSD. There is no league table here segregating who has what trauma, or why etc. Simply that we all suffer PTSD, and we all muck in and help ourselves and others when we can.

I've started wondering about choices that I've made in my own life after my initial childhood trauma which resulted in further traumas because of the choices that I made and positions I put myself in. I'm starting to feel like it's my own fault and that I should just "get the hell over it" and toughen up because others who are suffering are suffering because they made a choice based on something good, to help other people.

To me, I am reading someone who has issues with guilt and shame related to their own traumas. Someone who is perhaps questioning whether they 'brought it all on themselves', and that they can similarly 'just get over it', because they view their subsequent trauma's as having an aspect of self-blame/guilt. The blame-game will not help you 'get over it', that is for sure. I also think this is an important something you need to look at, in order to deal with your own traumas.

I don't know. Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes I have. But I learned that it was about how I felt around my trauma's... I suddenly noticed that a lot of the time my thoughts are questioning if I am somehow wrong, I somehow caused it all, it's all my fault, I should just do this, I should have done that, if I was a better person I would not be like this, I am like this BECAUSE I am a bad person... it was all specific to my own trauma's, and all about how I felt about myself. And lack of understanding myself and the impact that these things had and has on me.

It's strange for me because I've always had a chip on my shoulder about my traumas. I've always felt like the world owes me everything (I know this is completely wrong) because of what it has been done to me (even though IT did nothing, only certain people did). I've always felt like no one has experienced pain like I have (again, I know logically this is not true and that pain can not be quanitified on a general basis because there is no start or end point and because people experience pain differently).

Often this is what loneliness with pain does. A few years back, until I realised that I was not the only one suffering like I was, I thought I was the only person on the planet suffering the way I was. I thought nobody could ever understand my pain. Of course, this was actually quite a reasonable statement to make to myself, as until then I had not known of PTSD. I both blamed myself for my feelings, because I thought I was just 'not letting go' when I wanted and needed to, and also felt angry because I had such trouble trying to 'let go' and 'get over it', and I was suffering so much despite my constant attempts to change that. I also had a lot of trouble getting what I had gone through validated by people around me, and this made me feel angrier and even more so that nobody understood, and nobody knew how much pain I was in. Logically, I had a sense that I was wrong to feel this way, but emotionally I didn't have the knowledge I have now to know differently.

But after reading so many stories about the military and emergency responders, I question my own pain and if its fair.

Why should the 'goodness' of another make you question you're pain and fairness of this? Do you feel not as good as a person? That you somehow deserve your pain, or that you somehow shouldn't be in as much pain, because other's are 'worse off' because their trauma's are 'more worthy' somehow?

 

[Thornyrose]

Hi, I too am new to this forum. I think that it is good to get perspective on trauma by hearing what others have experienced, and I have to say that by looking around on this site I am HUGELY relieved to see that I am not bad, mad, weird or dangerous!

Don't forget that if you have PTSD, it is a neurological problem. You can't just 'get the hell over it' because what is happening is a subconcious (ie uncontrolled) and completely NORMAL response to an event which the human brain is not able to process. It is after all your brain's way of preventing your death!

Whether the trauma occurred because of a good or bad choice or something beyond your control does not change the symptoms you have. If you think this, you risk burying the problem only to have it pop up again and again in your life.

You are right to say that no-one has experienced the pain which YOU have felt - how can they have? There is only one of you, with your personality, history, understanding of the world and unique response to life. I bet that if you think about it, you will see you have had moments of admirable strength even in adversity. Others will have similar moments, but yours are unique to YOU! Celebrate that fact!

Having said that, it is important to try and get rid of the concious feeling you say you have that says the world owes you something - otherwise when you get/experience good things how will you ever feel the joy of gaining in life?

Rather than saying 'this is amazing, and I am lucky!' you will be saying 'Why didn't I have this before? I am unlucky to have had to wait until now'.

I myself am attempting to rid myself of these kinds of concious 'clutter' (thoughts of anger, loss and bitterness) that naturally surrounds the PTSD I have. I really hope that by clearing this away, I will be able to actually deal with the subconcious cause of my PTSD and live the life I know I can build for myself. (It is starting to work, I think!!!)

So, don't worry about the causes, or compare yourself to others. Look for the silver lining around that big black cloud and ask for help when it starts to rain on you. I know thats what I plan to do. xxx

 

[linasmom]

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for taking the time to respond so thoroughly. Everything you said makes sense to me.

I know that I feel like I "deserve" my pain but I don't know why. I struggle so much between what I can work out in my head rationally and what my feelings tell me. I also know that I have those guilt and shame problems too, without a rational explanation for them. I internalize everything and then analyze it within my head constantly.

I guess part of the problem is that if someone were to say to me that they are suffering like I am due to a car accident, I would scoff. Even though I know that's totally wrong of me, that their pain can be just as painful as mine. So then I turn that same idea onto myself and compare myself to others in the same manner. Again, I know it's wrong logically but I feel something different. It feels "fair" if I compare. Ugh, stupid, I know!!! I just want to say to myself "you're being so stupid!!!" but I can't get my feelings to feel another way. :wall::wall::wall:

Best,
Rachel (who is totally frustrated!)

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Rachel

I really don't think it matters how you got PTSD.

If it hurts, 'it hurts'. It's not how you got it that matters. I think most people here know that it can be caused by any number of things. The point is that we all either have PTSD, or know someone who has it. We know how 'crap' it is.

The main thing to realise is that 'it's not your fault' (I still struggle with this). Whatever happened, happened; and you are here, amongst people that understand. You are not a bad person. You didn't 'ask' for any of this. You are here to help yourself. Whatever choices you made, where right for you at the time.

Your own pain is 'fair', because it hurts 'you'. End of story.

You are not rambling and you do make sense.

Take care, Cherry

 

[upstream]

Yeah I can relate, but not cause of anything on this forum...

I've seen a few episodes of this NBC show called Medium. The main character and her daughter have nightmare's about other people's trauma. The dreams come from dead people who show them the trauma that occurred before they died. They then use what they saw to catch the bad guys.

I WAS JEALOUS! They have the symptoms of PTSD, however their symptoms catch criminals and make the world safer! And it's more interesting, they never have to go through the same trauma more than once. I mean, here I am reliving the same events over and over and over and over... I mean it gets old. These women get to see new s**t all the time!

I know it's completely irrational to be jealous of someone else's misery, especially a fictional TV character, but I can't help it! I mean ****, I want that... I've had trauma all my life, I don't mind soaking up dead peoples trauma for the sake of justice and the common good. How sweet would that be? Hell I'd soak up your symptoms for a week if it would make things better for you.

 

[anthony]

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread556.html[/DLMURL] discusses how the forum often triggers people, chats about comparing trauma, etc. You just cannot compare trauma.... trauma is an individual thing, not a collective attribute that can be compared between even two people, let alone more. Learn from others trauma, but do not make it your own OR attempt to compare yours as more or less to another. It is an individual nature aspect, not collective. Heal your trauma... that is all you have to focus on.

 

[captrn1]

Rachel
Use this analogy.....you had your arm cut off saving a victim of a car wreck. I cut my arm off riding my motorcycle at excessive speeds while drinking.
We both suffer the same exact physical injury regardless of how we received it. We both suffer and need to learn to live with one arm.
Same deal here. We all suffer regardless of how we received our injuries. No Hero's here, just sufferers.
Kel

 

[Kathy]

Do also remember Rachel, that "heros" can also be abusers. For example, my brother-in-law was career military, served on several peacekeeping missions, and ended up with PTSD as a result. However, unfortunately he never received the help he needed. Instead he murdered his wife and child and committed suicide. He also shot and almost killed my stepdaughter. She now has PTSD herself from his actions. Whilst the careers of military and emergency responders are very worthy, they should not be placed upon pedestals. They are still people like everyone else, still human and apt to make horrible choices.

 

[tude]

linasmom, I cannot add nor can I so eloquently respond as well as those people before me. I can only say, there is not anything heroic about me that makes me more worthy to be here. And I no less deserve to be here because as Lisa said,

...sometimes feel guilt... and that their pain is not valid, because their colleagues did not get PTSD, thus they feel 'I must be weak', or less of a person. This is also not true, nor fair to bring good/bad, weakness/strength into the equation...

(Thanks for that Lisa, I actually feel ashamed not guilty)

linasmom, be kind to yourself. As I need to re-appraise how I feel, it may be helpful for you to do the same.

tude

 

[Lisa]

(Thanks for that Lisa, I actually feel ashamed not guilty)

Hey tude... ta, I forever get confused over shame and guilt - for me they sort of just go together, and I've never really known which one is which in terms of definition!

 

[Lisa]

I don't have much to add (LOL)...

Linasmon, I think it's good that you are openly admitting to your feelings.

The guilt, shame, and blame and 'deserving pain' thing could be due to how you were made to feel during your trauma? And oh, do I know the incongruences our logical minds tell us when our emotional feelings say differently! Part of your recovery needs to be about bringing those two together... that's where I am feeling a lot of you're frustration is at the moment.

In terms of other people, and your comparing yourself to them - The thing is, dominant issues of each trauma can be different for everyone... but pain is pain, and overall you will find everyone here, whatever trauma, suffers the same groups of symptoms (hence the same diagnosis) and understand the turmoil that gives. In terms of 'getting over it' - read up on PTSD, how it changes the brain, thought processes... you will find it is never so simple as that!

For me, I went through multiple trauma's. It wasn't a 'one incident' thing, though the first incident is where it all started. I can't identify what it is like to have the SAME incident going round, and round in my head. I can imagine it must make some people feel they are going batty though! And I can identify somewhat as some incidents do go round and round in my head - I just have a whole load of those, not the 'one incident' thing, so I can't identify with that entirely. My dominant factor is that I have several flashbacks, from several times in my life, and from different trauma's. I get confused, it's hard to figure out where my head is at times. Someone who had one trauma causing their PTSD couldn't necessarily empathise with that specifically, but will be able to understand on some level most likely we all share the same grouped 'symptoms'.We all certainly understand what it is like to feel terror, to have flashbacks (of whatever nature of trauma), and nightmares, etc. etc. Again, I have guilt and shame related to what I went through as a child, and this affects me sexually... someone who had, say, trauma from a burglary wouldn't necessarily understand that personally in the specific way that I do. But I wouldn't understand 'survivor guilt' on a personal level, because there was nobody else other than me and the person who traumatised me involved.

At the same time, I have said here before myself... PTSD is lonely. Being here helps, because we can identify with others, whatever the nature of the trauma... but at the end of the day, only each and every one of us suffered our specific trauma and how that impacted our individual lives- no one else can be you, so no one else can truly know your pain. And the same to anyone else. Though I think others have already explained that better than me.

A lot of people have already said some of what I've said here so apologies for repetition!