Traumatic Goodmares?

[MichelleMillen]

I don't know what love is.

After an 18 year marriage full of abuse and neglect blew apart, many circumstances about my life with my husband triggered my PTSD. He never loved me, and even told me so after we had parted ways.

I have tried to cope with horrific, sometimes demonic nightmares, centering on the atrocities that my husband did in the months leading to our separation. I relived what he did to me every time I fell asleep, and awoke in high anxiety and a feeling of extreme unreality. I would have to turn on the TV for a couple of hours to take my mind off of the dream and get back into reality.

I told my psychiatrist about the nightmares and he prescribed prozasin. It worked immediately. I would still dream very vividly, but it was mostly nonsense or just unrelated to my husband. Some nights I would sleep right through, not remembering dreaming at all.

In the last few weeks, I have had recurring, different versions of the same dream. One of my first childhood crushes is in it, and though the stories vary, the basic elements are the same. I have not seen or heard about him for 30 years, we were mostly just friends so I don't know why it's him, night after night.

There are always a lot of young people, crowding around me, some communicating with me, and then I spot him. We meet eyes, and I know in my heart that he loves me. I try to go to him but he disappears in the crowds of people. We will meet up again briefly, he put his arms around me once and I knew I was deeply loved. I get the knowledge somehow that he and I will spend forever together, and often he wants to take me away to another country.

Then I lose him again in the crowds of people, and unhappily resume looking for him.

Last night was particularly traumatic because he gave me some parchment documents, signed by him, that I could take back into reality with me as proof that he would come for me.

I was holding these pieces of parchment when my 9am medications alarm went off, and I woke up. For several minutes it was unbearable to recognize my bedroom walls, feel the excruciating pain ( fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis ) and realize I am in my real life again, alone.

Since these dreams began I have been fantasizing a little about having a man in my life who loves me, who would protect me and care for me in every way. Besides my children, I have never experienced love. I know that I am not in a place for a relationship, there is nothing physically or emotionally or mentally desirable about me, and my days are spent isolating in my apartment. It comforts me to daydream a little, though. I am only 47 and may have a long life yet. These dreams are as or more traumatic to me than the nightmares of abuse and neglect.

 

[Werewoman]

Of all the things we deal with, dreams are some of the worst, I think. I'm sorry he was so cruel to you. No one deserves that and I am happy that you survived it. You're one tough gal.

I think we humans often wonder 'what if....' - I had a guy like that. His name is Phillip (same as my dad's, I loved it) and we first met in the 5th grade. I instantly had a crush on him. :giggle: I didn't see him again until I was a junior in high school where we ended up in the same chemistry class. Thank God - I never would have passed the class without him. :happy: We both really wanted to date, but he already had a girlfriend. I kept hoping they would break up (and it wouldn't surprise me to know he felt the same way, but he didn't act like it around me), but they never did that I know of.

Hubby and I have been together for going on 25 years, and I have no regrets (usually, though I'm the one who's hard to live with - usually :D) but I'd be lying if I didn't say I wonder how my life would be different had I married him instead. Who knows, maybe it wouldn't have worked at all, but I would have liked to have had the opportunity to try. It just never happened.

If something ever happened to my husband (God forbid), I think I would try to find him, just to see if that old spark is still there. For all you know, your old flame might be sitting around thinking/dreaming about you,too. With facebook and the internet, it's not hard to find people now. It's not often we get second chances to get it right. Seems to me, since you're having dreams where you can't find him, you REALLY need to find him. I interpret my own dreams like that to mean that my subconscious is ready, even if the rest of me is terrified.

:hug:WW:hug:

 

[Friday]

. I know that I am not in a place for a relationship, there is nothing physically or emotionally or mentally desirable about me, and my days are spent isolating in my apartment. It comforts me to daydream a little, though.

Sounds like goals you want to work on, then? Less daydreaming, more action? Start working on getting yourself ready for a relationship / feeling-being desirable / less isolating / etc.? What are some steps you could take towards any of those things?

 

[Gs172003]

I think it's about feeling safe. There is one man I was never afraid of that keeps showing up in my dreams I haven't seen in years. That's the only reason I can figure.

 

[Werewoman]

I think it's about feeling safe. There is one man I was never afraid of that keeps showing up in my drea...

I am so lucky because I married the one man who has always made me feel safe. My first clue was when my abuser nearly choked to death when she found out I was marrying him. She threw one hell of a tantrum. That was all I needed to know I was doing the right thing. Abuser is scared to death of him to this day.