Undiagnosed Traumatic incident - coworker killed in front of me on Friday

[Moose51]

Hi everyone, I want to apologize in advance if this isn’t really the place but not sure where else to go and I’m not great at taking about this kind of thing.

The past Friday, I was filling in as a laborer for a guy I used to work for. We were paving a drive at what happened to be my best friends moms house. We had a tractor trailer parked in the road ready to unload heavy equipment, one of our guys “Hal” was directing traffic when there was a close call. I immediately stopped what I was doing and went to the other end of the truck to help watch the traffic. Only a moment when by when I turned to Hal’s direction and saw him struck by an oncoming vehicle. An elderly woman never slowed down as she was passing the trailer. I ran over to Hal who was flown quite a distance in my direction and started screaming his name. The I realized he was unresponsive and immediately called 911. Felt like an eternity for the ambulance to arrive, and I’ll I could to was stand and watch completely helpless. Part of me new Hal wasn’t going to make it, there was more blood than I have ever seen and I could tell where it was coming from. We got the call only a few minutes later that he passed away.

The thoughts going through my head right are just a lot to take in at once, I’m angry at the driver even though i couldn’t imagine how she feels right now, I’m sad for his wife and kids who have to live without there husband/father, I’m worried about other conworkers and if they feel the way I do. I’ve been having constant anxiety attacks which have been an issue for me for years. The hardest thing I think is the reality of what I witnessed. It almost feels like a memory from a movie or tv show and then the images start popping in my head again. I know it’s only been a few days and all of this is probably normal given the circumstance, I just don’t know how long it will last which worries me given my mental history. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t even think about going work, all I’ve this on top of a guilty/selfish feeling knowing that it could have been anyone of us 6 guys yet I’m still here

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi @Moose51 - welcome. I am so sorry this has happened. There is an expectation in most jobs that everyone will come home from a day at work. It is terrible when someone dies from such a preventable incident.

You mention that you have a prior mental health history. Does this include ptsd?

I think it's important for you to find a trauma therapist as soon as you can. (That's if you are not already seeing one).

 

[Moose51]

Thank you for the response, I’ve never dealt with PTSD before but I have battled with depression and anxiety for about 10 years now. I saw a therapist briefly years ago and it just didn’t seem right for me. I would consider seeing one again after this weekend. I think I’m still just trying to process what I witnessed. There is also the financial aspect...therapy is expensive, money is tight and I have no form of healthcare. Again I don’t know if seeing someone will be the best option for me personally but right now the anxiety is driving me a little bit crazy.

 

[bellbird]

Hi @Moose51 . I am so so sorry for what you experienced. It sounds horrible and awful and I am just glad that you found us here so that hopefully this forum can provide you with some support.

on top of a guilty/selfish feeling knowing that it could have been anyone of us 6 guys yet I’m still here

What you're describing sounds like survivor guilt Survivor guilt - Wikipedia
It's a common feeling after certain traumatic events ("common" doesn't mean the feelings you are experiencing are any less difficult, but sometimes knowing why I'm feeling certain things is helpful, for me anyway).

I just don’t know how long it will last which worries me given my mental history.

Unfortunately none of us know this; for ourselves or for others. But there's a whole forum of us here who are surviving, despite our experiences and PTSD symptoms, and many of us have comorbid mental illnesses (myself included), so hopefully that can give you some hope :)

I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t even think about going work

Do you remember any grounding techniques from when you went to therapy in the past?
Or are you on any medication for your anxiety?
Either or both may be helpful for settling your system enough so you can try to eat and sleep. I know how hard it is to do anything when we're deprived of those two things, let alone processing what you experienced.

Sending well wishes for now, and gentle hugs if you choose to accept them :hug:

 

[Friday]

As this just happened, I cannot more strongly recommend reading this >>> Traumatic resilience: avoiding ptsd

 

[Moose51]

Hi @Moose51 . I am so so sorry for what you experienced. It sounds horrible and awful and I am just glad that you found us here so that hopefully this forum can provide you with some support.

What you're describing sounds like survivor guilt Survivor guilt - Wikipedia
It's a common feeling after certain traumatic events ("common" doesn't mean the feelings you are experiencing are any less difficult, but sometimes knowing why I'm feeling certain things is helpful, for me anyway).

Unfortunately none of us know this; for ourselves or for others. But there's a whole forum of us here who are surviving, despite our experiences and PTSD symptoms, and many of us have comorbid mental illnesses (myself included), so hopefully that can give you some hope :)

Do you remember any grounding techniques from when you went to therapy in the past?
Or are you on any medication for your anxiety?
Either or both may be helpful for settling your system enough so you can try to eat and sleep. I know how hard it is to do anything when we're deprived of those two things, let alone processing what you experienced.

Sending well wishes for now, and gentle hugs if you choose to accept them :hug:

Therapy, then at least just wasn’t helpful to me, seems like all they wanted to do was dose me up on Paxil and klonopin both of which had negative effects. Since then I’ve taken Xanax but I prefer to avoid all these drugs because I’ve known so many people who do or have struggled with addiction. I only drink socially and rarely excessively, smoking pot has always been the only thing to settle my nerves without becoming completely useless

 

[Moose51]

As this just happened, I cannot more strongly recommend reading this >>> Traumatic resilience: avoiding ptsd

I did read through, very informative thank you for posting

 

[blackemerald1]

I really think you need to get some real world support to help you work through this.

If you cannot afford private therapy have you considered other places & organisations that may offer assistance?

I don't know what country you are in but if you go to your GP & ask that could yield some results.

It's ok to not want to take meds but you can still receive some support at therapy.

 

[Moose51]

I really think you need to get some real world support to help you work through this.

If you cannot afford private therapy have you considered other places & organisations that may offer assistance?

I don't know what country you are in but if you go to your GP & ask that could yield some results.

It's ok to not want to take meds but you can still receive some support at therapy.

I live in the US, CT more specifically so nothings free. I’m also self employed technically, I’m a contractor and tomorrow I’ll be going back to work. Nice simple job I’m hoping that will help keep my mind occupied

 

[shimmerz]

I read in a book one time (Van der Kolk I think) that when that feeling of 'it seemed to take forever' that you noted is happening, that through the incident we have lost our ability to 'keep time'. He suggested that when that feeling comes (I get it often) - you know - floaty and not quite in the game - to make your own sense of time to keep you in your higher brain. I generally count to 5 while feeling myself inhale, count to 2 while I hold, then count to 5 to release and then do it all again. If those numbers don't work for you perhaps you could find something that could. I use this often. Also I practice it when things are going alright as well.

I think @blackemerald1 posting makes a ton of sense if you can get to a therapist. The sooner the better. Truly. A therapist who knows trauma.

My heart breaks for you and your friend and his family. Tragic....

 

[Friday]

I live in the US, CT more specifically so nothings free.

I just checked for you... and found these

Connecticut Victim Compensation Program

If you or someone you know is the victim of a violent crime, the Victim Compensation Program may be able to help pay for certain crime expenses that are not covered by insurance or another financial resource. To learn if you may be eligible for victim compensation, the benefits available, and to file an application, please see the questions below.

Emotional Injury (up to $5,000)

• Medical, dental, counseling, and prescription expenses.

OVS Victim Compensation Program - CT Judicial Branch

Victim Resources

The Office of Victim Services (OVS) contracts with non-profit and public agencies in Connecticut to provide free services to crime victims and their families.

These services include:

• criminal justice support and advocacy;
• information and referrals;
• therapy;
• group treatment / support; and
• safety planning.

Please see OVS Contracted Agencies for a list of the agencies and the programs and services offered.

OVS Victim Resources - CT Judicial Branch

Help for Crime Victims

The National Center for Victims of Crime

has a number of resources available to assist victims of crime. Our National Help Line, VictimConnect, provides help for victims of any crime nationwide, and can be reached by phone at 1--855-4VICTIM (1-855-484-2846) or by online chat.

Link Removed