Justmehere
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This is a long post, and for that, I apologize. This is a weird therapy experience and I am not sure how to make this post shorter. (I’m working on not over-explaining myself all the time. I clearly still have work to do on that.) I could really use any feedback or thoughts about this transference situation with my therapist.
In therapy, my therapist intentionally stirs up and then works through what she calls traumatic transference.
This means at times we will role play different things that can come up for someone in therapy, only on purpose.
She has role played being the bystander by not listening to me when I ask a predetermined question about something very simple on purpose. Ex: I will ask of her, “Can you hand me that book?” And she ignores my question and keeps talking about the weather (also a predetermined subject.)
She has role played being the “perpetrator” by pushing a simple boundary. (but without any safety issues.) Ex: She will ask me to hand her the box of klneex, and I will say no and she will ask, beg, plead, and I will still say no… you get the idea.
Then we quickly end the role play, go back to “normal’ and we work through the somatic feelings and other things that come up for me. It’s been quite profound of an experience and really helpful. I always know we are role playing, we describe it before we role play exactly we are going to say, and she always goes back to her normal helpful and boundary respecting self. I have been able to learn how to handle boundary pushers and people who ignore problems a lot better than I have with any other form of therapy. It’s also helped on some other level that I don’t know how to describe. It helps stop this crazy intense pull I have to re-enact trauma and go back to abusive people or end up in relationships with new people. It seems to shift how I feel about childhood trauma in really bog ways. I don’t understand all of it. My therapist is with a group that is known for treating people who struggle with trauma reenactments and strong trauma based transference feelings. I was raped by a co-worker who was a psychologist as an adult and I was hurt by an uncle who was a pediatrician as a child, so I have always had some transference (usually negative) with every helping professional I have ever met.
They intentionally stir up negative transference this way, “because it will come up anyhow” and if we stir it up intentionally, “it’s a lot safer, emotionally.”
This week, we role played her saying “I can’t help you” when I was saying my hand hurt, like I did when I was a kid. I was talking about how my hand was injured and my mother didn't help me bandage it. It happened in the context of much worse childhood neglect and abuse. I knew we were going to do this before I talked about this subject. It wasn’t a super vulnerable trauma, and I was ok with trying this. She said she was intentionally trying to tap into this transference thing differently than in the past, and carefully so. When she said “I can’t help you.” She then stopped the role play, and asked how I felt. I told her. I suddenly hated her. I nervously giggled and added, “wait, I knew you were going to say that, I knew you were role playing, I don’t really hate you…” Then we worked on processing how much I hated my family for allowing me to be victimized as a child and not helping me even though they were doctors, lawyers, teachers, and otherwise trained mandatory reporters.
I'm still a little weirded out how I knew it was my therapist,I knew she was role playing. But for a moment, it was like she wasn’t her. I really had real feelings towards her that were about the past and the present and it was a big weird mess. I knew she actually did want to help, and was helping, but I was still mad.
She explained that yes, part of my brain knows this is an exercise. Part of it doesn’t know that, and just knows that I am in a room doing stuff with a person.
She told me to tell her if any other feelings came up this week. She encouraged me to just shoot her an email if I felt anything weird or strong about doing therapy or any feelings towards her. She told me some how she would likely respond, and things that I could feel – like hating her, thinking she is incompetent, hating therapy, ect.
Two days after the session, my fear of abandonment has come up. I am really scared she will suddenly leave. This isn’t entirely new, but it’s different than usual. It makes sense to me.
What doesn’t make sense is that I really don’t want her to tell me she won’t leave. If I think of her replying back to my email with “Thanks for telling me. I am not going to suddenly disappear and I’m here for you…” I would be really mad at her. That’s actually what I expect she would email back, but if she actually did that, I would be mad.
I’m going to email her, and I’m going to even explain that for some odd reason I really don’t want her to reassure me out of this right now, and I don’t understand why.
Something feels so freakishly familiar about how I feel right now towards her, and I am a bit upset about it. My therapist would likely tell me this is why we did this, to work through these very feelings and process the trauma behind them while also learning to handle them in the present differently in the past. (She has said exactly this many times before.) I can’t put my finger on a time where I have been angry at someone who said “I am here for you” but I know it’s happened. I don’t know why it would make me mad or what the heck is going on with me. I am beginning to wonder if my therapist is crazy, and what kind of weird thing we are doing. I know this is well researched therapy, if uncommon… but what the heck is going on? Why would I hate someone who reassures me that they are there for me? My therapist tells me all the time I'm not borderline, for many reasons. This does feel so sabatogy to push someone away or feel mad at someone because they are there for me.
Anyone have any ideas why I’m feeling this way? Anyone else feel like this? What the heck is going on?
In therapy, my therapist intentionally stirs up and then works through what she calls traumatic transference.
This means at times we will role play different things that can come up for someone in therapy, only on purpose.
She has role played being the bystander by not listening to me when I ask a predetermined question about something very simple on purpose. Ex: I will ask of her, “Can you hand me that book?” And she ignores my question and keeps talking about the weather (also a predetermined subject.)
She has role played being the “perpetrator” by pushing a simple boundary. (but without any safety issues.) Ex: She will ask me to hand her the box of klneex, and I will say no and she will ask, beg, plead, and I will still say no… you get the idea.
Then we quickly end the role play, go back to “normal’ and we work through the somatic feelings and other things that come up for me. It’s been quite profound of an experience and really helpful. I always know we are role playing, we describe it before we role play exactly we are going to say, and she always goes back to her normal helpful and boundary respecting self. I have been able to learn how to handle boundary pushers and people who ignore problems a lot better than I have with any other form of therapy. It’s also helped on some other level that I don’t know how to describe. It helps stop this crazy intense pull I have to re-enact trauma and go back to abusive people or end up in relationships with new people. It seems to shift how I feel about childhood trauma in really bog ways. I don’t understand all of it. My therapist is with a group that is known for treating people who struggle with trauma reenactments and strong trauma based transference feelings. I was raped by a co-worker who was a psychologist as an adult and I was hurt by an uncle who was a pediatrician as a child, so I have always had some transference (usually negative) with every helping professional I have ever met.
They intentionally stir up negative transference this way, “because it will come up anyhow” and if we stir it up intentionally, “it’s a lot safer, emotionally.”
This week, we role played her saying “I can’t help you” when I was saying my hand hurt, like I did when I was a kid. I was talking about how my hand was injured and my mother didn't help me bandage it. It happened in the context of much worse childhood neglect and abuse. I knew we were going to do this before I talked about this subject. It wasn’t a super vulnerable trauma, and I was ok with trying this. She said she was intentionally trying to tap into this transference thing differently than in the past, and carefully so. When she said “I can’t help you.” She then stopped the role play, and asked how I felt. I told her. I suddenly hated her. I nervously giggled and added, “wait, I knew you were going to say that, I knew you were role playing, I don’t really hate you…” Then we worked on processing how much I hated my family for allowing me to be victimized as a child and not helping me even though they were doctors, lawyers, teachers, and otherwise trained mandatory reporters.
I'm still a little weirded out how I knew it was my therapist,I knew she was role playing. But for a moment, it was like she wasn’t her. I really had real feelings towards her that were about the past and the present and it was a big weird mess. I knew she actually did want to help, and was helping, but I was still mad.
She explained that yes, part of my brain knows this is an exercise. Part of it doesn’t know that, and just knows that I am in a room doing stuff with a person.
She told me to tell her if any other feelings came up this week. She encouraged me to just shoot her an email if I felt anything weird or strong about doing therapy or any feelings towards her. She told me some how she would likely respond, and things that I could feel – like hating her, thinking she is incompetent, hating therapy, ect.
Two days after the session, my fear of abandonment has come up. I am really scared she will suddenly leave. This isn’t entirely new, but it’s different than usual. It makes sense to me.
What doesn’t make sense is that I really don’t want her to tell me she won’t leave. If I think of her replying back to my email with “Thanks for telling me. I am not going to suddenly disappear and I’m here for you…” I would be really mad at her. That’s actually what I expect she would email back, but if she actually did that, I would be mad.
I’m going to email her, and I’m going to even explain that for some odd reason I really don’t want her to reassure me out of this right now, and I don’t understand why.
Something feels so freakishly familiar about how I feel right now towards her, and I am a bit upset about it. My therapist would likely tell me this is why we did this, to work through these very feelings and process the trauma behind them while also learning to handle them in the present differently in the past. (She has said exactly this many times before.) I can’t put my finger on a time where I have been angry at someone who said “I am here for you” but I know it’s happened. I don’t know why it would make me mad or what the heck is going on with me. I am beginning to wonder if my therapist is crazy, and what kind of weird thing we are doing. I know this is well researched therapy, if uncommon… but what the heck is going on? Why would I hate someone who reassures me that they are there for me? My therapist tells me all the time I'm not borderline, for many reasons. This does feel so sabatogy to push someone away or feel mad at someone because they are there for me.
Anyone have any ideas why I’m feeling this way? Anyone else feel like this? What the heck is going on?
