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Triggered by my uncle

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BlueBerry6999

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I really wanted to discuss this with my T, but she's on vacation, so here I am...

The situation is this: my uncle is a huge asshole. There's definitely something very, very wrong with him. He thinks the world revolves around him, he's racist, sexist and just a disgusting person overall. For as long as I can remember I've always hated him and avoided him.
Before my grandfather (my mum's and my uncle's dad) died, he left his and my grandmother's house directly to my uncle - despite my grandmother still being alive. My grandmother actually pays him rent now! It's a house with two apartments, the upper was occupied by my great-aunt, and when she died, instead of looking for new tenants, my uncle let one of his daughters move in. He claimed it would be good for my grandmother because she would help her out around the house, but it's bullshit, because my cousin has never done anything than give my grandmother worries. It was easy to avoid her because she lives in her own apartment upstairs, but last summer, my uncle let his younger daughter move into my grandmother's apartment! Like, her actual apartment. He claimed it was only until she'd found a new place - and that's the only reason why my grandmother agreed in the first place, but my cousin is still living there and it's almost been a year, and my grandma does nothing but complain about it, but doesn't dare saying anything to my uncle or my cousin.
On top of putting both his daughters into that house, my uncle has begun controlling everything we do when we visit my grandma. He has his daughters spy on my family and me (I'm not joking), and if they dislike something, they'll call him and he'll barge in and make a scene.
My uncle is huge - very tall and broad and has a loud voice. When he barges in, he makes sure all conversation dies out at once and all attention is on him.
Last winter, my mum went up to the attic with my grandma to look for something. My cousin called her dad, and so my uncle barged in and yelled at grandma that she has no business going into the attic (where all of her own stuff is). He is now restricting her from walking around her own house. When they had to call a plumber because the shower was broken, he yelled at grandma and his daughter for showering too much, and at first refused to pay for the damage (which would be his duty as a landlord).
Anyway, his behavior has gotten so bad, that I tried to avoid him even more. In November, he barged in when my sister and I were visiting my grandma, and at once, my heart starting racing and before I even knew what I was doing, I'd fled the house and I remained sitting outside in the cold until he'd left (which was about two hours later), because I was so panicked, I simply couldn't face him.

It all escalated on easter. My family (mum, sister, me and our men) had a wonderful, uninterrupted brunch with my grandma.
Then in the late afternoon, we could hear doors slamming, then my uncle appeared, already extremely infuriated. My dog and my mum's dog went completely crazy and barked at him as if they wanted to attack him (something they never do with other people). My uncle started off with insulting my dog (no, he didn't even say hello). Then he started yelling at my grandma for not having told him that she had visitors: "If I'd known that THEY are here, I wouldn't have come" and "you know you have to call me when you plan on having visitors" (that's abusive as f*** and in no way his right).
He actually insulted my grandma, saying that clearly she was not right in the head anymore. None of my family said anything.
Then he complained about his daughter having had to put her car somewhere else because we used up the parking space, at which point I couldn't help myself and said "she'll survive that". My heart had started racing madly the moment he'd barged in, but I couldn't watch him insult my grandma and go on a rant without interference.
Well, that little sentence I said was enough to completely make him go off. He obviously isn't used to anyone disobeying him, so he actually started yelling at me and insulting me like crazy - something he's never done before.
He called me an insolent bitch, said I should shut my f**ing trap, and how dare I speak to him like that.
Again, none of my family said anything - except for (of all people) my poor old grandma. She told him to stop acting like a child, which he ignored.
I told him to feel free to insult me, I'd gladly report him to the police.
At this, he started yelling "this is MY house" and literally punching the wall next to him.
Luckily, I managed to answer him calmly and just laughed in his face, told him he had no business telling us what to do. To which my wonderful mother said, "yes he does, it's his house". She doesn't agree with him, but she was so desperate to calm the situation that she started defending him.
He then threatened me and said I was not allowed at the house anymore, then he started threatening my grandma. I told him to just leave, that no one wanted him there and proceeded to mock-wave at him until he finally left.

Throughout all of this, my heart had been racing and I'd been on the verge of hyperventilating, but luckily I managed to hide this.
My mum then came to me and said that I shouldn't provoke my uncle because the stress is bad for my grandma, that because of me interfering , my grandma had to take her heart medication because she was so stressed out.

When I got home, I couldn't stop thinkinig about the whole thing, worrying about my grandma, wondering if I should call the authorities to protect her from my uncle and so on. I ended up not sleeping well for a week, kept having anxiety attacks, kept worrying about what I would do the next time I visited my grandma, making all kinds of plans, like taking out my phone and recording him in case he got physically abusive etc.
Then another feeling suddenly appeared, and first I couldn't place it, but then I realized that I felt utterly betrayed by my family for not stepping up. Every single one of them was just sitting there quietly while grandma and I got attacked. My mum even defended my uncle.
I was in a weird state, I couldn't stop trembling and crying and my hands were ice-cold. I sent a message to our family group chat saying that I had decided no to go back to my grandma's place, and that it wasn't a nice feeling being yelled at by an abusive man (my uncle had abused his ex-wife) while no one said anything.

I was surprised at my own reaction to this thing. Yes, there was domestic violence in my family, but I've always felt like that's the least of my problems and that I had way worse trauma, but funnily enough, this situation was enough to trigger me, after I hadn't had any anxiety attacks for years.

Of course I'm sad that I can't see my grandma now, but I just can't see myself in that house anymore with the risk of encountering my uncle. My family is planning on going there next weekend, and my sister told me it is unfair to my grandmother to stay away and that she shouldn't be punished. It's not like I don't want to see her again, it's just that I'm absolutely terrified of seeing my uncle. He's not going to just act like nothing happened, he'll clearly be targeting me now. I'm sure even if I sit there quietly, like my mum wants me to, he'll insult me and yell at me. I just can't subject myself to that and I don't want to risk my well-being and the progress I've made in therapy these last couple of years. Also, if there is one thing I've learned in therapy, it's to use my anger to defend myself and not let others do what they want to me - so sitting there quietly like my mother wants, getting abused, goes against everything I've learned in therapy and just feels wrong on so many levels, and actually dangerous to my mental health.
I finally feel like I don't want to disregard my own feelings for someone else's, but now they're acting like I'm selfish.

And now I'm starting to doubt if I'm doing the right thing by avoiding this conflict. It's just that I can't see myself sitting there with my uncle abusing me verbally. My mum thinks staying quiet is a great strategy to avoid the conflict and avoid troubling my poor grandma, but what she doesn't understand is that the conflict already exists- whether or not I participate in it. My uncle yells at my grandma even if we're not there, and he keeps controlling her every move and forbidding her from going where she wants to go.

I feel like removing myself from this situation is the only thing I can do, but I'm still unsure how to deal with this whole thing, so I guess that's why I'm here, asking for advice.

I apologize for the way too long text, but I thought context mattered...

PS: I'm twenty-nine years old btw, not a teenager, so getting yelled at by someone of my family should really not be considered normal.
 
I’m always perplexed that the idea of owning property excuses all behavior of the person who owns it, and relinquishes the human rights of anyone on it.

It doesn’t.

Just because it’s my land / my house, doesn’t mean I “get to” (what a disgusting concept), abuse, rape, murder, or any other “the law doesn’t apply to meeeeeee” king of the castle nonsense.

I strongly second your impulse to report your uncle. Both to elder-abuse AND slumlord school (it’s called different things in different states/regions, but it’s where one reports any abusive landlord, look up your states housing laws to find the official wording).

Yes. It will cause drama in your family.

But there’s already drama in your family.

May as well come from sources seeking to protect your family, rather than sources abusing your family.

On that note, I’d also suggest contacting an attorney. It may well be far too late to contest the will, or it may not be, or the abuses & extortion her son has been inflicting on the wife of the deceased may open things back up, again. No way to know, without extensive legal education & practice. Upside? Free consultation = said experts also know other local avenues to take none of us would even think of.
 
It isn't normal. He is abusive. And so controlling that no one else in your family was able to stand up to him other than you.

It's a wise decision not to go to his house anymore or see him. He is not safe. And if he can punch a wall and shout at you, he can punch you. So stay away

I second reporting to the police. But also, if that feels too much, I don't know where you live but you could report to adult social services and report abuse on your grandma?

I'm angry on your behalf about it all and mostly that everyone else just sat there and did nothing. And your mum clearly thinks all this is normal.
It really really is not.
 
Thank you for your replies...

I'm not sure if I should take action... The thing is, my grandmother loves her son despite everything. And she's been treated like this all her life - my grandfather was the same (although my uncle is worse). So how could I convince a 89 years old woman who's always been ordered around by men that she shouldn't put up with it?
My sister actually used to work for adult protection services, and I asked her if she would recommend contacting them. She said that unless the person in question actively wants to seek help, they can't do anything.
My mum keeps saying that my grandmother is a strong woman and that she's not as affected by all of this as I think she is. Apparently she's at least smart enough to not let my uncle handle all her documents, and she's made sure that whatever my uncle knows, my mum knows as well. My mum and my uncle both have access to my grandmother's bank accounts in case she dies, so at least my uncle can't commit inheritance fraud.

I will definitely stay away from this place, but make sure I keep in touch with my grandma and maybe even pick her up sometime to eat in a restaurant or something like that...
 
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