Triggered By No Reply To Email

[Ms Blue Sky]

Dear all, just posting because I'm upset right now, I feel foolish and massively triggered, I am trying to get over a serious love addiction that has blighted my life so far and now afraid I have again messed something up
There was somebody in my last job I felt an attraction to and I then left the job, I got the feeling we were both attracted as we both showed interest in eachother
I'll summarise the rest

Four months after I left the job I emailed him telling him about my new job, he said he was pleased for me and to " drop by if I am in the area " - so I email back and say yes I will drop by in a couple of weeks as I have no time until then and looking forward to seeing him ( I would have been working, he invited me to drop by his office )

I cannot really just drop by as other staff members work there and it would have looked weird so email him a few days before to say I'm thinking of dropping by Friday and get his out of office because he is away on holiday

Then I leave it and he emails me back as soon as he returns saying " sorry not to have responded last week. It would still be good to catch up with you "
So in a day I suggest another time I happened to be in his area and then, I didn't realise he didn't work that day - he emails again promptly and says " sorry I'm not about on Tuesdays. Still hoping to catch up "

Anyway I wonder then why he isn't suggesting another time - and I just feel like I sent an overly formal email that wasn't light, saying " yes it would be good to catch up, let me know when you are free, kind regards, MBS " - my emails were lighthearted before

Now this is day three and nothing and on the brink of tears, yes it's wet, it's not so much that he hasn't responded yet but fear that what I wrote was terrible and I appear stupid

I guess it was fine though - and I don't want to do anything else, I'm afraid he won't reply - I am beating myself up, not necessarily because he may not be into me but because I'm scared I have been foolish putting the ball in his court and I seem pushy or too formal and businesslike

Please honestly, would you reassure me my email was fine, I feel I should have kept it more lighthearted! I feel I have screwed up so many times before - my inner critic is telling me I am dumb
Normally it's ok when he's slow to reply and I can take it, but this time, because he was being nice before and suggested us meeting up, I now feel as if something I said displeased him and he is punishing me, it's triggering me to my childhood growing up when I would always fail somehow in winning my parent's love

I have been immobilised today - I couldn't do my work, I was snappy with people and everything seems too hard and too difficult, I can't get practical household stuff done, neither could I attend a meeting I was meant to attend, I feel too filled with shame due to this

I dread rejection and always think it must be my fault, thank you for reading, tomorrow, I think I'll shove my phone under a pile of clothes and avoid checking my mail all day, I would just like some reassurance that I have done nothing wrong in this I guess, relationships now scare me to death, I have had a lifetime of being with emotionally abusive or mixed up or avoidant partners since a young age and trying not to do this anymore, it all began with my dad - MBS XX

 

[hodge]

I think your email was perfect. You expressed interest, but weren't pushy. I think it was just the right touch. I'm sorry he hasn't responded, but it's better to know sooner than later if he's not that interested. That way, you're not as emotionally invested as you would otherwise be. Hang in there! The dating world is rough!!

 

[aut555]

That was so normal a response. I think men do the exact same thing. We tend to over think things that are basically out of our control. Lol.

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Thank you both, Hodge, that was reassuring! I don't know why he hasn't replied, he is a bit married to his job though which could be something to watch and he is also a strict Buddhist, I really will have to stop looking at the phone every time it beeps tomorrow, it means I have a hundred disappointments a day, every time an email comes in! Yes it would be best to know now if nothing can come of this and he is not interested at all, thank you, wise words
Thank you too aut555, yes it really brings up craziness when you don't get a reply to an email, I hate the feelings of rejection it can trigger
I gave him power by putting the ball in his court, now suffering but maybe there is a good reason for this, I think perhaps he is nervous himself and unsure of what to say or do, we have never met one on one before outside of work business so he may be considering

Trying to do some self care tonight so I will feel better tomorrow and I know the best thing for me would be to stop incessantly looking at the phone and praying I can manage it and not do it tomorrow for my own good X

 

[Deleted member 541]

I don't think you were triggered. I don't think not getting an email has anything to do with trauma. I think you are probably upset that you didn't hear back from him, but triggered??!?!?!?

 

[aut555]

It's ok. We really never know what triggers us. Sometimes It's a thought that leads to another thought. I am nobody to judge other people's triggers. But l think it's great that you are concerned enough to bring it here. More power to you.

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Hi there, I am triggered by the rejection, I made myself vulnerable, I was meant to attend a gathering tonight and couldn't go because of shame, now I can't sleep
In my attempt at a relationship I have also disconnected and lost time when I believed I was rejected
Rejection and abandonment certainly trigger me and especially so today though it may come as a surprise to some
Hoping to feel more back to normal tomorrow, thanks for kind words X

 

[Deleted member 541]

Ok now that you have explained it's due to rejection and abandonment, I get the whole picture. Yes, those are tough to deal with. I too had those triggers, but I learned that it was my issue, and the other person had choices to make. He may have not wanted to hurt your feelings, so he made excuses. He may actually have been busy or out of the office. It could have been a thousand other things.... We can not control what other people do, or their thoughts or what they say. The only thing we can control is how we REACT to these things.

Try to calm down, do breathing, focus on something other than what's upsetting you, and most of all accept that you can't change his actions, you can only control yours...

 

[Ms Blue Sky]

Thank you so much, that's very helpful, I'm about to turn out the lights for bed so will do some breathing exercises in bed, yes you're right and tomorrow I'll stop incessantly checking the mail, I am powerless over what he does, can't control him or explain what's going on
But I can be kind to me, thank you X

 

[aut555]

Those are universal triggers for millions of people surprisingly enough. I guess it helps to say that this person may not be interested but he is in no way rejecting or abandoning me. He may even suffer those exact things himself. Maybe you could just friendship email him, like "how is it going? Didn't get out there like l thought. Anything new going on with you?". Sometimes our deep rooted fears hold us back in ways we don't imagine. Like inaction, no action, do you get my drift? It's like we paralyze ourselves with those rejection issues and write the script and outcome of the script, we don't even need the guy. Haha. So l am saying to step out of fear and into so what if this happens. I Will just keep trying, because l love myself.

 

[Deb Bergman]

Dear Ms. Blue Sky,

Please don't beat yourself up. Your email was what it should be according to the circumstances you described. Women are more analytical and think about things and worry way too much. Men are much more casual about things. There could be many reasons why he didn't suggest another time or hasn't responded. It is out of your control. Take time for yourself and do something for you alone or with friends. I myself suffer from the exact same thing you do. I made a decision to go to therapy and seek help from a professional. It was the best thing I did for myself. Actually She Cat has stated things perfectly and is "spot on" with her recommendations. I have learned that I am happy with me and I don't need to depend on others for my happiness. I am in control of me and my actions. I cannot control what anyone else says or does. Try not to be fortune telling the situation. It will cause sleep problems and make you sick. Breathe, relax, distract with something you enjoy. Write down a list of things you can control and things you cannot. It really helps to accept it when you see it written down and can put them in the proper perspective.

 

[EveHarrington]

Guys like to play it cool especially over email. The alternate is professing his undying love and scaring all prospects away. He's definitely playing things the right way.