Triggered By... Well, Life

[sun seeker]

But I should have stayed out of this one.

No, no. I didn't mean you. Yes, I am shaming myself, you are right. I was just talking about how I feel, not blaming anyone for "making" me feel this way. I appreciate your input. Really. I just hadn't gotten around to responding to it yet. I'll do that now.

So, it's not all there is to do, it's certain things that feel beyond me that have to do with survival, and it's also feeling I can't do it alone. It's a feeling like I'm dying, sort of, but it goes far beyond that. Like impending doom. Like terrible things will happen if I do it wrong. I sort of see the point of breaking what has to be done into small steps, but some of even the smallest steps are huge triggers. I'm trying to figure out how to break them down still more, but it seems like there is another part to this.

also note that you can probably do many things on your own if you break it down and don't let yourself get sucked into seeing too much altogether

I'm going to break this down into two categories. There's the list of things to do that are things I am capable of doing but might be overwhelming in their entirety. I don't mind those, there are just a lot of them. That's the "a lot of work" category. I'm okay with a lot of work.

The category I was trying to get at is more of the "I'm dying" category. And I don't know how to explain that one adequately. I don't know if this makes sense. I don't seem to be able to break that down into doable steps. It's more of a feeling, a preverbal, overwhelming one.

 

[Born to Run]

So, it's not all there is to do, it's certain things that feel beyond me that have to do with survival, and it's also feeling I can't do it alone. It's a feeling like I'm dying, sort of, but it goes far beyond that. Like impending doom. Like terrible things will happen if I do it wrong.

Yes, I totally know what you mean. It has everything to do with dying and it is overwhelming. I felt panic, unforeseeable future disasters coming on over which I had absolutely no control. Totally helpless. Total loss of control. To me there was absolutely no cognitive part or reasoning part left, also the reason why I could not by any means contact the world in that period. All I was, was 'I can't'.

 

[Chava]

Sorry I was getting snarky yesterday, not related to you at all.

So, it's not all there is to do, it's certain things that feel beyond me that have to do with survival, and it's also feeling I can't do it alone. It's a feeling like I'm dying, sort of, but it goes far beyond that. Like impending doom.

I exist in "survival mode" almost exclusively. I don't build relationships because I don't reach out until I feel super safe and comfortable (humans are the threat). So I don't relate to needing others and yet it is likely the same powerless feeling of being alone and just feeling...powerless, like you will die, even if there is absolutely no evidence that you are dying.

Keep track of any little thing that helps you feel either mobilized, alive, or empowered. It's probably very individual, but I need sound/music first. Then maybe something to snuggle, or movement. And then breaking it down once I've pulled out of the dread state. It's a lot to piece out sometimes. I've gotten better at not melting down over difficult physical sensations (feeling like I'll die, ending up in walk-in clinic or ER over and over). It hasn't been a good year for avoiding the medical emergencies that I partly bring on myself, but I have been using less pain meds and not needing to blur all the confusing information that used to swamp me and make me feel powerless (so there's the part of noticing triggers and finding news ways to respond, and the part of giving your body/mind new feedback...strong clues that you are "okay" and not going to die, etc).

Hard to sort out this stuff. I assume that as you get better at noticing it some on your own you will actually find it easier to reach out and communicate more clearly with others about what you need.

 

[Born to Run]

So I don't relate to needing others and yet it is likely the same powerless feeling of being alone and just feeling...powerless, like you will die, even if there is absolutely no evidence that you are dying.

I get what you mean. I also never related to needing others, and was the most pseudo autonomous person around, but always alone, and yet never feeling really alone, it was ok. Now having gone through the total helplessness that caused this attitude to exist, it seems for the first time I feel alone, isolated, I have never felt this before, it is new and I don't like it. Since I always avoided people, it is logical that there are no real friends in reality, so yeah it is starting life all over.

 

[Chava]

@Born to Run to be fair, I think a lot of my stuff would be intolerable without knowing my therapist is there for me and that she understands. So I sometimes forget that I'm not totally alone. I travel a good distance for therapy and know it's important for me to be able to move out of the self-destructive downward spiral. Having someone right here though, like a spouse or housemate, has never been a thing or need for me (I need way too much space).

I'm trying to reach out to others a little more though. But I suppose part of the challenge is also feeling like most people can't understand my stuff at all. So I'm just reaching out to have coffee or have a friend, and that's often not very motivating because I spend too much time in survival mode (which seems to mean avoiding people...yet again, I'd be terrible lost I'm sure without my therapist...probably non-stop numbing).