Trying to date normies

[user44376]

My T is perfectly accurate when he tells me that my radar is set to a certain type of woman. Damaged. Unattainable. Sexualized. Filled with neuroses and pathologies. I never disagree with him but I always wonder, what the hell else am I going to be attracted to?

I was this way long before PTSD. Partially from my satanic mother as well as being introverted, eccentric and "one of a kind". Interpret that as you will. What the hell do I have in common with a suburban yoga mom? Or a country girl into hunting and bonfires? I was raised in the city, piss poor and surrounded by damaged, traumatized toxic people. All I know is depression, nihilism, absurdity of life stuff.

So now that I have PTSD, how does my T or anyone expect me to (eventually) date? Who? Who would date me, as a now unemployed and perhaps unemployable overeducated neurotic broken man who barely leaves the house and just wants to read and listen to music and be in silence and hopefully one day, peace? What yoga-mom or average mid-40s woman with a career, kids etc would want anything to do with me?

And what would I want with them? I can only talk deep and serious. I can't do small-talk reality TV horseshit. Or gossip. I don't care about material objects. Or money. Or that yoga/meditation/Feng Shui-on-Oprah garbage that passes as deep wisdom today.

What do you do? How do you, or can you, fix that radar?

 

[ladee]

My questions is,,, would you like to date and have someone special in your life.... you seem content to be alone doing the things you enjoy?
I am 'relationship challenged' so would be the last person to answer your questions... I have accepted being alone and love my life...

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I've been married to the same man for 32 years this September. I met him before I knew I had PTSD and DID and we stayed together through all of my stormy days and nights.

We're both introverts, me more so than him. He had a bad childhood yet didn't develop PTSD.

Neither one of us are cookie cutter yet we fit together well. One thing which helps us the most is humor. We've both got a similar sense of humor. It took my husband awhile to learn that I had a sense of humor which was as wacky as him. His first wife didn't have one. We've got similar interests. And we're both great listeners and talkers.

 

[Sideways]

I was totally into toxic relationships. For a very long time. I got involved with people that worked with my illness. Fell into place nicely with my warped core beliefs. Self-perpetuating. Couldn't honestly see myself ever doing a normal healthy relationship . Like you - I don't have much in common with the Normal & Healthys of this world.

A big part of my work has been to stop self-perpetuating. If I'm interested in staying ill? Sure. But actually, I want to get better. So that sas just behaviour that I needed to stop.

And to be honest? For a long long time that's ruled out relationships completely. I have a lot of work to do on me. And the last thing I'm interested in, is getting into another toxic relationship that's going to undo all of my hard work. I'd rather be single.

If a relationship is ever going to work out for me though? I need to be very careful about checking my prejudices at the door. Ruling out everyone who likes yoga? Or lives in suburbia? Or whatever...?

Because my life looks nothing (like, not a thing!) like what I'd have imagined for myself. And, People will need to keep an open mind that I'm not your typical public-housing drug-messed layabout - which is the pigeon hole that I currently best fit into. But, since I'm nothing like what my pigeon hole would suggest, then it's very likely that other people aren't anything like what the stereotypes would suggest either. Open minds have to go both ways.

 

[user44376]

My questions is,,, would you like to date and have someone special in your life.... you seem content to b...

Maybe that's what I need to recognize. I've always felt a struggle between who I believe I really am, total loner introvert, vs what I've been told and what's been expected of me, always have someone, being alone is pathetic, don't be a loser etc. I have moments of such existential f*cking loneliness then realize if someone was there with me I'd probably be annoyed. That's just messed up.

 

[ladee]

I don't feel it's 'messed up' , I feel, strictly my opinion here, that what you say is true.. find out what YOU want.... I have been divorced for over 25 yrs... and for the longest time, everyone felt I should be dating, looking, blah blah blah... my truth, the loneliest I ever was in my life was while I was married..... so I know about that kind of loneliness.... I feel people in or out of relationships feel that way sometimes... part of the human condition....not something inherently wrong with us for feeling like that...

It is ok if you want to be alone... I wouldn't have it any other way.... the idea of someone in my space, having to have conversations about decisions, ect, just makes me tired thinking about it.... and I hope this doesn't come across as trying to talk you into or out of anything... I am saying i understand, and it's not messed up.... I am reasonably happy and content... sans the bad PTSD times.... I do what I want , when I want, how I want.... and that is ok.... it's me.... and the truth is, among my peers, I do not know of one couple that are 'happy' being together.... so what is the point then , is my question...

So find YOU, find what makes YOU happy or content, have friends, we do need friends,,, but society already has a labeled , so what difference does it make,,,, if you really want someone special, do what it takes to make that happen... if not,,, be happy, with what makes you happy....

But, you are not 'messed up' for feeling that way.... IMO.....

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I had totally and adamantly resigned ever again seeking a partner after only finding the ones I obviously didn't jive well with for several decades of my life.

Only when I stopped looking did I find the best relationship I've ever had, and am still in today. He'd definitely fit the "normal" label when viewed from afar, but after being with him for so long now (15 years), I've come to learn there's no such thing as normal...no matter who the individual is. There's simply different levels of functioning and different life experiences.

I also know a lot of folks who practice yoga and meditation, without any help or influence from Oprah....lol, me being one, and they aren't anywhere close to being normal, either. lol I used to avoid them like the plague, too, though....wrongly thinking I'd never fit in. I quickly learned fitting in isn't what it's all about....it's all about the self-care.

It's hard to get to know folks beyond their labels, be it perceived or actual, especially when we exist in a society that's determined to assign a label to everything and everyone, and also keeps busy telling us which ones are good and which ones to avoid, etc. I had to detach from that way of thinking to keep what few threads of sanity I have left.

Do what you enjoy and ride the vibes of enriching your own life, and if someone is meant to ride it out with you, they'll show up eventually. If not, you're still enjoying your days on your own terms, and that within itself is one of the greatest accomplishments, ever, that I've experienced, be it while I was alone or while I'm happily with another.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah you can fix it... and it takes a degree of uncomfortability and a whole lot of self examination and understanding. Perfectly? Nope... but much much improved.

 

[The Albatross]

Start your own thread.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I hear you, @EveHarrington . I didn't say folks 'should' feel a certain way. I simply shared how I view things based on direct experiences in my own life, which is the only area of expertise I can claim. I feel "abnormal" as f*ck every day I wake up...which is why I had to shift my thinking.

I feel even more not normal the healthier I get....because it's so damn foreign and unusual to most everyone else in my life...which is the opposite of how I thought finally achieving long-sought relief would play out. The other thoughts of how normal I'm not kept me feeling suffocated and chained to only being able to allow thoughts of a similar vibration.

I lived and loathed in a place of feeling absolutely worthless for decades based on assumptions that most everyone else was surely normal and I was just missing some major invisible marks somewhere.

It seems to me that missing those proverbial marks totally relies on where we have our own personal markers set...and unfortunately...many of us have had them set firmly in place for us by some severely unhealthy folks.

 

[Beans]

The question is pretty much is it possible to develop healthier relationship habits? Yes of course.
Is it possible to develop healthier boundaries? Absolutely.
Is it possible to develop earned secure attachment after living with insecure type of attachment?yup sure is.
Is it possible to have healthy interdependence after codependence? Yes to all.


None of it is quick or a picnic but it won't take the rest of your life. I'd say few months to 2-3 yrs max with dedicated effort. I'm not saying cured btw, I'm saying far healthier ways of relaying that will let you enjoy healthy relationships. Timeline is all my opinion btw, no need to dispute lol.

 

[anthony]

Stop playing moderator.

Take your own advice too.

Check your triggers at the door. If we start policing all threads as to not offend anyone, the forum would be shut down.