Relationship Trying To Decide Whether To Walk Away

[tremcat]

Hi! I was googling around and found this forum. I feel stupid putting my situation out there, since I'm used to dealing with everything myself, but I'm trying to figure out how to handle this.

Background: I am in the military, and have been deployed myself. I've had a tough few years, particularly in the last year or so, when my ex fiance walked out of my life and abandoned me during a very rough time. I recently started dating a guy who also used to be in the military. We bonded because of alot of commonalities on life outlooks, and also, we both understand the lives we've led (this is not common, particularly in his occupation). I may not be in the same area of the military, but I know a bit about it.

He has confided in me some things about his trauma experiences that he's told no one else. It seems to me that the symptoms he's having are particularly worse right now, as he's finally decompressing and dealing. No flashbacks that I know of, but he very rarely sleeps through the night, although he sleep well with me. I know enough about PTSD that I know alot of this isn't me. But he goes through these phases where he freaks out, accuses me of not understanding his job (which I think has more to do with his ex wife) and then disappears, where he won't see me, but he writes these desperate emails about what he's going through, and how he hates that he's treating me this way, but he doesn't know what to do. He writes how much better he feels around me, and blah blah blah.

So, bottom line is that I feel guilty walking away from him. But I don't know how much longer I can keep putting up with someone who seems to be so wrapped up in his own stuff that he won't even consider how I'm feeling. We are far too early in the relationship for me to keep putting up with this, but I feel SOO guilty because it makes me feel like I'm doing to him what my ex did to me. And what kills me is that he and I are very good together, if you take his problems out of the mix.

I'm strong enough to know that I'm fine walking away. I'll miss him, but thats ok. Maybe I'm thinking too highly of myself, but I don't feel like he has many people he can trust. He just moved here, and I can guarantee his family and probably his colleagues don't really know much of the full story with this. I guess I'm concerned that he's pushing me away, and that I'll walk away, and after having confided in me so much, he will be able to use the excuse of "see what happens when I open up? People leave" and that this will NOT be helpful for him in the long run.

Any advice for me? At this point I've left the door open that if he wants help, I will help him. I worry that if I'm not reaching out to him, he'll shut down entirely, but I also hate reaching out and not getting a response.

 

[nomedic1]

Tremcat you have to look after yourself, you have offered him help, but at the end of the day he needs to start fixing himself,he needs to admit he has a problem and do something about it.

 

[Nicolette]

So, bottom line is that I feel guilty walking away from him.

Why do you feel like this knowing all the facts you've stated and knowing about PTSD.

You say

but I feel SOO guilty because it makes me feel like I'm doing to him what my ex did to me.

Do you mean that you feel like you are abandoning him?

People leave" and that this will NOT be helpful for him in the long run.

I'm wondering if the basis for your judgement is your own personal experience and maybe not necessarily his situation?

 

[discarded]

I wonder if his ex left for the same reasons you are thinking of doing it. Maybe she just got tired of not having her own needs met and always having to deal with his issues. If you are questioning things so early on then perhaps you should do just that, leave and get on with your life and find someone who is better equipped to meet your needs as well. We all deserve to be considered an equal in a relationship.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

And strong relationships are built on guilt...?

You're not doing him any favors. Walk away now and he'll be hurt. Walk away later when he finds out your whole relationship is a fraud and he'll be (justifiably) raging mad and it will even more so push him in that direction of mistrust that you're desperately trying to avoid.

 

[nursenurse]

I agree with everyone else. You know yourself well enough already to know that this is not the relationship for you. And really, although the PTSD is a factor, I wonder if it is also because you just aren't all that into him. Do not feel guilty about having likes and dislikes, wants and needs. That is who we all are. A life together chosen because of guilt is doomed to fail. You do not own the responsibility for what he feels and thinks if you break up. That is his, and his alone. I say move on, I think you would both be better off as it is early in the relationship.

 

[mamachick]

If you walk away, he has a choice in his thinking, 1. see if I open up I will be left. 2. When I have a wonderful person available and I withdraw, they will likely not stay around. Or any other scenerio he can think of. But that is not your problem.

It is early in relationship, you can also continue and be conditioned to increase your tolerance to unacceptable behavior, later finding yourself years into this relationship and harder to break off. If you talk to him and explain the truth of where you are at, and this behavior is not fair for you, then it is up to him to make the changes.

As a sufferer, I can say I was much less withdrawn and isolated when I had a supportive partner. Unfortunately, he turned out to be pretty bad in the end and was not good for me. For a time, it was 95% good, then switched to 95% bad because he got caught up in a web of lies and was fired from his job. He also told me of all of his trauma's-none of which were real. I might be bias since I have attracted sociopaths more than once, but you have to do whats best for you.