Sufferer Trying To Find "me"...(someone I Lost Along The Way.)

[brokenWing1974]

Hi. If you are reading this, thanks. I am a 58 yr. old woman who is struggling to understand myself and why I act the way that I do. I am really not in control of my anger. I can turn violent instantly! I lash out at my awesome husband who treats me like a queen daily, even when i'm a piece of shit. The only time that I feel good about myself is when I am helping others. I can give the best advice and show compassion to anyone ...except for myself.
Not crying the blues at all, because I am a survivor. I was raped by an upper classman my freshman year of high school and raped and blackmailed until the middle of my sophomore year. This was in the early 70's when nobody spoke openly about rape, etc. I surely couldn't turn to my parents...how could" dirty little me" tell them the horrible things happening to me. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't even know what sex was about because my mother was very shy and didn't speak of these things. I felt like the whole world knew what was going on and I WANTED TO DIE! I didn't...not physically, but mentally??? I left, went away, gone. I squashed it!

My innocence destroyed, that sparkle in my eyes turned black. I was broken....beyond repair. I hated myself and I was pissed off at the world. I excelled at sports...my escape...the athlete. No longer the "me" that was "dirty". I was good, an athlete. Then I graduated and fell in love with one of the most handsome and popular boys in town. He loved me. We married and I became, the wife.( not "me" but the wife). He was controlling and jealous. Very insecure. The nightmare continues...now he is verbally and emotionally abusive I started getting smacked around. The first miscarriage was "my fault". I" couldn't even have a baby right" . The second one, getting knocked around and having him running the streets didn't help. Again...my fault..
Times grew worse and I feared that during one of his rampages that he would accidently hurt my son. One day he hit me and my son said, "Daddy, no hurt mama"...I was done. I left him. My heart was broken into so many pieces that it would never be the same. For the years following that, I no longer let anyone that closto me again. EVER! I am a recovered addict. I was good at being an addict. I didn't feel anyone." If I can't feel you, you can't hurt me" is my motto . I have squashed feelings since
So why am I here? I need help understanding my rages and why I have no control. That's my intro...for what its worth. Funny, I have no idea what I was supposed to say here. I hope that you didn't fall asleep during my rambling. Thanks for being there I am determined to try hard each day to get better at dealing with "ME" but I get so damn tired!
peace and prayers tor all of you

 

[anthony]

I need help understanding my rages and why I have no control.

Is all your trauma still being buried within you, to this day? Have you been in trauma therapy and resolved it all, pieced it together and truly put it behind you? Are you pissed off with your past?

You've actually asked one of the simplest questions within the whole spectrum of trauma... anger is as simple as understanding what you feel and dealing with the feelings. Which begs the final question... have you still locked down those feelings?

 

[brokenWing1974]

Hi Anthony, I am in therapy and trying to address the things in my past. Since I squashed all feelings, I am having trouble doing this. When you stir up shit...it stinks. I felt more secure when I didn't have to think about them.I am pissed off that i felt invisible to my loved ones when this was happening to me. Where the hell was everybody? My Dad worked on the road and mom worked too. I guess i'm pissed at myself for not being able to be stronger but I was so innocent and young. I'm pissed that my teen years were f'ed up! I'm pissed that my son couldn't have a safe place with both parents involved.
I really do make a conscious effort everyday to be positive but I am actually afraid that one day, someone will try to hurt me and all hell is gonna break loose! I am explosive! I can be a rotten SOB and I will go off and probably not stop if someone gets in my face and threatens my space in a negative or aggressive way..
I am a work in progress. I really am trying.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am 58 too. I had a lot of anger and for good reason.

Mine was shoved for years under alcohol first and then drugs later. When I quit all that - surprise!!! Rage emerged.

The number one way I used to get thru that intense period was hitting a punching bag every day in addition to working out. It is healthy to feel anger. Not healthy (but understandable) to be numb. The question for me was how to release the anger safely and that is what helped me before I got a trauma therapist. Something physical is good because of the hormones that flood us with anger.

For what it's worth, my anger subsided. Now it's sadness I'm dealing with. I sat on that for decades and my bum literally hurts every day. Such a metaphor!

 

[brokenWing1974]

Thank you, franciemarnie, for responding to my post. I have overcome my addictions but struggle staying focused at times .My rage also came out after I quit using and drinking...self medicating. My escape from me was no longer there,,, so here I am...f'ing lost sometimes. I can't get back to who I was. but I keep going, keep trying.:tup:.

 

[franciemarnie]

Oh I know the feeling brokenWing. I have done so many things to get back although...I am not sure what you mean as to getting back to who you were. I think maybe before the traumas? The unbroken you? That's who I wanted to get back to. Not the numb me. The numb me didn't work except in the beginning.

I don't want to sound PollyAnna but I think the person you are becoming could easily be amazing. Sometimes from great pain, great character emerges.

Churchill was all washed up in his 50's. He thought he was a failure and so did his generation. Look what happened. When he returned to his alma mater decades later to give the speech to a graduating class, all he said when he got to the podium was, "Never, never, never give up."

That's the secret.

So you keep going, you keep trying like you are. Both of us let's do this. We didn't have a chance using. Now we have a chance. Try different things. I have done some wild stuff in an effort to get better - like going to a shaman and calling back the parts of my soul that departed at the time of trauma. It helped! It all helps. Change is possible.

 

[RussH]

@brokenWing1974 Welcome to the forum. You did very well with your introduction, and no need to apologize for the "rant".

You have come to a good place to help you understand why you feel, think and act the way that you do. You will also learn that you are not alone in these things, but there are many of us dealing with some of the same issues.

I am glad you are in therapy, and starting the process of dealing with your past trauma. I know that it stinks, but if you want to air out a room then you have to let the stink out. There may be times you will have to find a clothe pin to put on your nose so you can deal with the stink, but dealing with it is the only way to get rid of it.

I am glad you have a husband that treats you so well. This will go a long ways toward getting you through the rough patches of therapy.
You will also find that you will make a lot of friends here on the forum, and you will discover that it is really, really good to have people that understand you, and what you are dealing with. So again welcome to the forum family.

 

[anthony]

I am a work in progress. I really am trying.

I think we're all a work in progress, to be honest. Those without mental illness are the same IMO.

Take a look at: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-iceberg-of-emotions.13731/

Also, understand: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

Those two things, simple as they are, total the majority of how to control anger in relation to PTSD. The more you lower your stress cup, the less chance you are of being explosive. When you learn by repetition to identify what you feel below the surface, and face that emotion, instead of the reaction of anger, you lessen your anger outbursts overall / lessen your desire to anger, as you become better and better at it and as time goes on you find yourself dealing with the underlying emotion first, instead of thinking about the anger that could come, which then just doesn't.

Yes, everyone still gets angry at some points... but this is purely about how to lessen it and how to try and resolve things before the anger gets to the explosive point.

Practice makes perfect with this...

 

[intothelight]

@brokenWing1974 Welcome to the forum!

For a long, long time, I was very angry and couldn't figure out exactly why. If something went wrong, my reaction was instantly "fight" mode and the majority of the time, I turned that anger inward and directed it at myself. It took me a while to realize that most of my anger was fear and many of the other emotions that I was unable to identify and let alone express.

As you go through therapy and learn to process the emotions, they are not so overwhelming and the anger does dissipate. It is also helpful to learn what things can push you into that mindset so that you can learn to manage what you can. It does get better and it is something that you can learn to control and it won't always control you.

 

[brokenWing1974]

Wow! You guys are amazing! You picked me right up! I love this forum. I have NEVER looked for forums or anything like that for myself. Like I stated...found this by accident. Blessed to make new friends that can help me understand and in return, I too will reach out to others.
I volunteer 4 days a week at a shelter in town for women and children who have fled their abusers and need someplace safe. We provide a safe place with new beds, food, their own rooms with shower and bathtub. They can stay for 60 day. In that time we help them to get on their feet....parenting classes, resources, mental health, protection orders, etc. The rewards are endless and this helps make me feel better by being there to give these girls HOPE. They are scared, scarred, broken and some of them in recovery. I love seeing the sparkle come back into their eyes when things starts to look positive for them (housing, etc.)
I carry myself in a very professional manner in public. I am just not good at home, or in a car behind you when I need to get somewhere and you are doing 2 mph....there is where my rage comes out. If I'm sitting at that red light and didn't see it turn, don't beep at me...I will jump out of my car and freak out if I let myself. Thank GOD I catch myself. One of my biggest fears is that someone will put their hands on me...I will not be held responsible for their stupid move...I am afraid I will not stop till im stopped and all of the anger I squashed will pour out of me and I will then be in prison. caged....ahhhhh!
does anyone else ramble like this or is it me???? thank you friends, once again, for being here to listen and help.