Military Trying To Get A Grip

[Gerald1971]

I am a vet of the first gulf war. While I didn't see a lot of combat, there were some close calls and horrific images. I have just started going to the VA for regular healthy check ups and began reading literature about PTDS. There are several items that stuck on me in the literature.

I have been carrying around weight of something from my service experience for over 20 years now. I saw an Army doc about it once but treatment was never successful. About 7 years ago I talked to a therapist but there was no success there either. I just felt stuck and figured this was my "normal".

I have a successful career but my job allows me to work 40 hours a week in solitude with no supervision. I have turned down better jobs because I was afraid to have to be around people more.

My temperament will go from 0-60 in seconds. This bothers me, especially with my kids. I have never been physicall, but find myself screaming and see there face fill with fear. This really bothers me. The same has happened to my wife but she'll stand up to me and I quickly retreat. All these actions bother me.

I'm always expecting to lose everything. In my world I see it all as short and temporary. For some reason I picture things leaving me. So I never try to attach real emotion to anything. I go through the motion when it comes to emotion but inside I feel like I am giving a show.

I could go on. But my last thing is life itself. I value it. I feel I am important to all around me for support both emotionally and financially. Suicide is out of the question cause I know it would devastate everyone. But I do wish that sometimes a catostorphic accident would happen that would take me. I know it would be more accepting by my kin.

Everyone says I have to give therapy a chance to work. But I am getting impatient. It feels like I am standing in a waiting line waiting to take a number.

 

[Ti Vu]

Although my experience can't even begin to match yours, I too feel a sense of this enormous weight I'm carrying, the desire to want to just end it all now, and the feeling I'll lose all the people I love at any second. Therapy and the subsequent healing takes time though. Step by step. And there's always this forum:) Even though we all come from different places, backgrounds, and are at different stages of healing, we're all going through the same thing. I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds and I wish you well on your healing:)

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Gerald1971 Welcome to the forum and I wish you every success in your personal recovery journey.

I served in the UK Military during the first Gulf as an Airforce Medic. I have today been informed by the health service that I am finally to be referred to the Veterans Service (I am a disabled UK War Vet as a result of physical Injury) after nearly 24 years of not heep from the military.

I had a huge breakdown last year after 24 years out of the Military. Unfortunatelly I also have Childhood sexual abuse and physical abuse traumas and was involvved in a head on high impact Car Accident 14 years ago.

I dissociated numerous times over the last quarter century andd have done exactly the same with regards at lashing out verbally but never physically. I always regretted and hated myself afterwards.

Unfotunatally when I had my breakdown I was in a really bad flashback from Military Service and I was arrested right in front of my entrire family. My Ex Wife refuses to accept that PTSD is even real let alone what I am actually suffering from.

I have been on my own recovery journey for just over a year now and have been in self therapy for most of that as no one would refer me as I came across as ok on the day of assessment.

Outwardly and in public I can keeep it together but I have finally had to admit to myself that I am a mess inside and really do need proper professional help wwhich thankfully I am now.

You will find a huge warmth on this forum.

:hug:s from one Survivor to another if you accept them mate.

kindest regards

Laurence.

 

[Gerald19711]

Yesterday I made my first hurdle. I met with a therapist. We spoke of depression. I am not depressed. I'm anxious and all the time. He reccomended I begin celexa to calm me down. And then that I go and talk to a therapist.