Trying To Stop Yourself Breathing During Childhood

[rainy_daze]

@anonymous , @TwoDee2ThreeDee , @AngrySky , @Flyaway , @NovemberStar , @eav , and @Chincho:

I want to reply to you all individually, so it's going to take me a little time to do it properly. I have to say a huge thank you though for your posts, before I reply properly (and thanks to @Abstract and @SweetLullaby too, for reading). You all acknowledged me and understand. Yesterday I felt so awful about posting about this. I felt stupid, I felt like I was a strange child and this made me ashamed, embarrassed and like I had done something wrong for finally telling someone, even though I'm doing it from behind a computer screen. It means lots to me that you're all brave enough to say that you have felt and done this too. You've all made me feel like this is something that happens and that makes it feel easier to discuss. I don't need to be ashamed or think that I was weird, because I was hurting.

Hugs to those who wish to receive them, or healing vibes, or a cup of tea and a biscuit, for those who don't want hugs. I will reply when I've processed this a bit more. Thank you again :hug:.

 

[AngrySky]

@Daze - You are more than welcome. The shame, embarrassment, fear, etc is all a part of who we are. It is so great that you found this site. It is great for all of us. It was really difficult for me to go my whole life and "know" I was different for my thoughts and behavior, feelings etc. I don't feel there isn't anything I could say here than anyone would judge or think was weird. We all deal with our pain in so many different ways.

I hope you continue to come here for support. I know I will be here. I will take that hug...don't make it too long though, then it just gets awkward!!! (I'm kidding;))

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

@Daze - Your posts have helped me too, so thank you for being brave enough to share.

 

[rainy_daze]

I didn't deserve to feel that awful as a child (what child does?), and I certainly don't deserve the past haunting me all this time later. It's like it's never left me. A big locked box of evilness that is breaking open and I'm desperately trying to shut it again. Therapy was so difficult today.

I will post replies to you all. I really want to, and I feel bad for not responding properly, but I feel too emotional today. I'm really sad today, but I'm so glad I survived what life threw at me. I have people in my life that love me. Now I want something else, something for myself that isn't about other people, I'm just not sure what that is yet.

I wish I could go back to being a child and find a way to tell someone what was happening to me. I can't go back though(obviously), and chances are if I went back there the same thing would happen to me: I'd be unable or too scared to tell. I survived through one horrendous thing after another, and there must be a reason for that, even if I don't know what it is.

Tearing up now, I'm all over the place, so I will go and post a word on the chit chat thread to make me smile. I feel so awful that this is something others have done as children too. I will stop venting away because I'm upset, but seriously, if you were all in this room with me saying you had felt this way too, I would be holding your hand or giving you a hug. Life can just be so :cry:. I will be back here when I'm able to handle the whole reality of my post and the reality of the replies :brb::hug:.

 

[AngrySky]

@Daze - Take your time. I had a complete meltdown this week (in front of someone, that NEVER happens). Some days its easier, some days unbearable. Just baby steps. We are here whenever you need us.

 

[Britt.f7]

I didn't do that, but I did hang myself over banisters with the threat of dropping. Part of it, I'm sure, was for some attention..perhaps, but I really did want to fall and die. It was only one floor so I would probably had only injured myself, but I didn't know that then. It is the only time I have ever tried to hurt myself in front of people. My mom's best friend witnessed it and got me off the banister, but, you know, I never remember my mom talking to me about it. Knowing how she responded to things I'm sure she never did.

I did try suffocating myself last year when I was in a deep depressive state. I think your natural response is to survive, no matter how much you think you don't want to. But, I'm in my forties now, so this doesn't count.

 

[rainy_daze]

I'm sorry it'a taken me a significant amount of time to post in a topic I started :(. I have one classic word for you: Avoidance. No point going into the last couple of months, because again, that would be me avoiding the topic. I'll reply one at a time, makes it easier.

and so I do not discuss anything of worth and try to get out of there in one piece

I think getting out of there and still feeling intact is a good way to survive. Maybe your brain won't let you go to the stuff of worth because of the need to survive? It's an interesting one. What do you think would happen if you told the T the things that are under the surface?

I find it difficult to say, @TwoDee2ThreeDee , when I find my head is in the worst space. It's another topic maybe for another time, but there are times I cannot remember what I have said to the T. I sometimes sit waiting on her, and I tell myself I will be brave, it will be like pulling off a plaster (band-aid, whatever), it will hurt but maybe if I say the worst memories out loud, the ones that make me feel disgusted/ashamed/pathetic/angry/helpless/so many things then I will have finally said them aloud and the burden woon't be as heavy. I won't be silenced out of fear, and maybe the pain in my heart will lessen.

Several years ago I got extremely drunk and "confessed" some of my father's abuse to my partner. I remember in the days after I felt this huge wave of relief. Pain inside me had lifted, I didn't feel alone with it and I felt better. Sometime after that, it came back. I suppose I'm struggling with therapy for a number of reasons. Maybe I'm discussing things that are so painful, it's why I don't remember? My T does have a good way of getting me to talk about how I feel in the present sometimes. Maybe this time in my life makes me feel so embarrassed that talking about it in therapy doesn't feel like an option, but I can handle trying to on here, :nailbiting:.

I don't pretend that I'm fine in therapy, but I know that I want to get out of there with the minimum amount of tears possible. A lot of the time I'm talking about how I feel, and not why I feel the way I do, and maybe that is something to work on. Why did I try to stop myself breathing? Is that a more important question than Why does that period of my life bother me so much, now, in the present? I'm not sure. I need to do a lot more work on this, and I've started saving the wiki pages to do on a rainy day (or really, any day) :tup:.

viewing myself as another person

I used to tell myself these memories were awful nightmares, that only felt real. I used to lock them away in that box in my head. When I confirmed one of these memories as real by talking to someone, a memory involving evil biological father guy and my mother, I didn't feel as crazy as I had before. None of this is easy, and seeing yourself floating above and watching... I don't really have words to explain that. It makes the things that happened so surreal, like watchign someone else's life. Is that how these memories feel for you? Or anyone else who has had the watching themselves kind of memories?

This is the only place I have ever discussed dissociating - always thought I would take it the secret to my grave

That sentence give me goosebumps/a shiver. I can't believe I have told anyone about evil biological father guy. I think when you keep secrets for so long, eventually it seems almost foreign to think you could share with someone, you've spent so long keeping them inside. I keep mine in a box in my head, and I've done that as long as I can remember. A box in my mind that I lock and try not to open. You're right though, I don't feel anywhere near as alone by sharing this, and I don't feel as stupid knowing other people were really young and hurting emotionally/physically/psychologically too.

@TwoDee2ThreeDee , I'm glad you're able to talk on here. I'm sad to read about your suicide attempt. I want to give you words of comfort and healing, but I'm at a loss, just know that I feel like giving you a hug :hug:, and if you don't like hugs then a nice cup of tea, maybe a croissant. Something nice that would make you smile.

 

[rainy_daze]

I always thought just letting yout lungs fill up and then it would be over quickly

Swallowing water is really unpleasant too. Not being able to breathe properly = shudder. When you write that @AngrySky , it makes it sound so peaceful.

I wonder if there have been any psychological studies into children doing this. Trying to drown or deliberately stop breathing because of ongoing trauma. I wonder if it classes as the normal imaginative stuff children daydream about, only it has a dark spin on it because things aren't all well?

At 8 or 9 years old, I don't think I understood that it would be impossible to successfully drown in the way I was trying to. I tried really hard though. I suppose in the end it is just one more secret that got added into the box in my head that I then proceeded to carry around with me throughout the rest of childhood, into my teenage years, and now into adulthood. I don't want to be too harsh with myself, but I wish at some point I had woken up along the way and just screamed "Hey everyone in my life who is completely blind to this abuse, you're not doing your job as family members! Hey teachers, I want to die, please stop him from hurting me! Hey world, I'm hanging by a thread, make this stop!". It's like I'm waking up now, and I'm really not a fan of the emotions. They are very difficult to let go of. Even writing this, I feel a little angry. Hands are sweaty :sick:.

I dnt want t die I just want the confusion and pain to go away. Make sense?

Makes perfect sense. It took me a while, but I think when I feel suicidal nowadays it's actually because I want to live so badly. I want my past to not be mine, but I can't change that, and then I get frustrated about where my life is now and it feels "easier" to die. The pain would stop, and I wouldn't be such a failure who has let this PTSD and depression rule her. I would also have complete control over the decision to live or die, to be in control of my body and my future (something I never felt I had choice or a say in when I was a child maybe, because they were so many rules and my body wasn't only mine - sounds strange but I know what I mean; finding it hard to articulate that). So yes, it makes sense. It was a turning point for me when I realised this about my own thoughts, and it gave me a greater sense of not wanting to let the suicidal thoughts win.

If you don't mind talking/sharing some more AngrySky, is the confusion you mention confusion about your childhood and memories or is it cinfusion about emotions now or is it about something else entirely? I know I'm being nosey :( but I was confused about my past for so long I almost managed to convince myself it was all one rather large nightmare that never happened, so I'm wondering what your confusion is to you.

I hope you continue to come here for support. I know I will be here.

I'm very glad you will be here. Thanks :).

 

[rainy_daze]

Phew, this is rough going because I actually have a virus and it's taking a while to type what I want to :spitdummy: I feel sick. I deserve this physical illness for putting off replying here; it's my body punishing me for repressing emotions ;).

When they put the needle into my arm, I am flooded by hope and the longing of drifting away while in anaesthesia. Waking up after surgery is a huge disappointment and incredibly emotionally painful every time.

I really do want to cuddle everyone on this thread :(. I know where this comes from, and it's having a heightened sense of empathy and wanting to give people the emotional support that they need. It comes from wanting to acknowledge their feelings and try to lighten their emotional heaviness a little. I don't think it's a bad thing, but I'm wary of it, as I have been hurt by manipulative people so often because of it. I mean no offence or anything when I say to someone (on here) I wish I could hug them. I often find I cannot say "Sorry you feel that way/that happened" because I don't like that we say "Sorry for your loss" or "I'm sorry" when someone has died. I suppose that is, again, a whole other topic, but @anonymous , the idea of you waking up from surgery and feeling pain because you're still alive... that just makes me :cry:. It's incredibly sad, especially continuing to feel that way as you get older. It seems this is a theme for sufferers then, that the way they felt in childhood is still there, just possibly taking a different form.

I think you said it all when you wrote:

think in a way it has changed but isn't gone.... [I'm].... actually hoping I won't come back.

Is it really as simple as we're still those children from years ago, in adult form? Feeling the same feelings. Am I still the kid in the bathtub? Vulnerable, alone and with a desire to not exist? Maybe I'm going a little far with this, but I think you have a point Anonymous. One of the wiki pages touches on childhood trauma, and if I remember correctly there's a part about how often it is the damage to the person that happens during childhood abuse/neglect that is the part that is worse than the memories themselves. If we take that as a true statement and apply it to suicide attempts in early life and/or the attempts to stop breathing and/or drown in childhood, then the damage in the present day is from the faulty coping mechanism. A sort of If I Stop Breathing Things WIll Be OK, So I Will Do My Best To Try And Get To That State? I could see this applying to my life, when I don't engage with the outside world. When I isolate myself from all family and friends, stay indoors and let the world pass me by. Maybe it is similar to trying to drown myself / staying still / being alone / feeling in control / giving up because it is easier. Any thoughts anyone? Do I sound insane? :eek: I hope not.

 

[rainy_daze]

I have now flooded this thread with posts, and there are still a few people to reply to. I will reply to everyone.

I think I've said a lot for just now though, and I'm proud because I have wanted to come back here for a while and felt unable too. I feel better talking about this topic and the giant spider web of things that relate to it, than keeping it hidden inside some metaphorical and mythical box.

I'm rainy_daze and I was abused. I hid it so well from others around me who could have stopped it, that I ended up spending my childhood in an unhappy state. I have continued on into my adult life hiding this abuse to further protect others whom it would harm. I have went from being a child trying to drown in the bath, to being a teenager trying to cut myself in places no one would see to feel in control and to feel like I was a real person and still alive, to being an adult whose life is a complete mess from not being able to let go of the feelings of the child and the teenager, and deal with the past and what it has done to me.

I can't beleive I wrote that. I better hit post before the brave and honest feeling wears off. Why is the truth such a difficult thing :banghead:?

 

[TwoDee2ThreeDee]

like I was a real person and still alive, to being an adult whose life is a complete mess from not being able to let go of the feelings of the child and the teenager, and deal with the past and what it has done to me.

Your response resonates. When I first sought out the psychiatrist in April, that's almost exactly what I told her. "I want to stop feeling like a child."

I can't beleive I wrote that. I better hit post before the brave and honest feeling wears off. Why is the truth such a difficult thing

My opinion? I hate admitting that the past still has a hold on me. I thought I was better than all that. It is very brave of you to be able to share and you should pat yourself on the back for it.

 

[Lucycat]

I too tried to drown myself as a young child. In the bath, in a swimming pool and in the sea. The sea was hardest as I was a competent swimmer and just swam and swam, out of my depth and heading for France. Knowing it was impossible and hoping the waves would take me.

I now know that when anxiety gets bad I hold my breath. That is a hang over from those days.