Relationship Trying To Understand.

[Leigh]

Hi All,

I've joined this forum in the hope that I can find some insight with regards to PTSD.

I have recently been seeing a guy with PTSD (of which I don't know the cause, I've not felt it appropriate to ask) and I am really struggling to know how to support him properly.

Prior to starting the relationship we met at work and instantly got on great, we had chatted through various modes of communication and seemed to connect brilliantly. He instigated the first date and seemed very keen (I didn't know of his condition up to yet)

From there, we have been in a relationship and for the first few weeks it all seemed great, regular contact, positive communication, very open about feelings etc.

Amidst this contact he mentioned (in passing, rather than making a discussion about it) that he has PTSD. I thought nothing of it at the time. (as I have a mental health condition myself, therefore didn't judge as I felt no need to) The past few weeks we haven't been able to see or contact each other as much and when I offered to visit him he seemed fine and we made arrangements. On the day, I tried to contact him a few times and had no reply. When I finally managed to reach him, he was very distant and didn't want to see me at all. I enquired as to what the problem was and he said he was just tired and not in the mood, also that he felt I was making him feel like he's not doing enough and causing him undue stress. I replied that I've never given any suggestion of the sort and that I was under the impression everything was fine. He just replied that we'll talk about it some other time and that was it.

I left it at that and tried to think of how I could have made him feel that way, but couldn't come to a conclusion. All I have tried to do during the time I knew we would have limited communication is send closed texts such as wishing him luck for a job interview.

I'll be honest in that I've never considered his condition prior to that night, but I do recall that sometimes 'pushing away' can come with the condition and wondered if I haven't accommodated him adequately.

I'm now very confused and am just wondering if I've done something glaringly wrong?

Or is this just something that I need to get used to?

Many thanks in advance for any help offered.

Leigh.

 

[amethist]

Hi Leigh

Welcome to the forum.

This must be tough for you to understand, when this happens. Sometimes though they may seem all eager, they then think and feel that they cannot handle a relationship, the anxiety of it just gets too much, and probably nothing you have done at all.

Read some of the "Sticky notes" at the top of the different sections in the supporters area, they will help you.

In the mean time, just hang on and wait for him to contact you, it will be easier int the end.

Amethist

 

[Leigh]

Thank you for the welcome and replying Amethist.

I am browsing the stickys now, some useful information. I'm assuming my nievity to his condition hasn't helped.

Take care.

Leigh.

 

[amethist]

Dont worry about getting anything wrong Leigh, this is not an easy illness to suffer or support.

We all get it wrong even years down the path. But we keep learning as we go, passing it on to those like you who are just starting out.

 

[Leigh]

Thank you again for your support Amethist, it is much apreciated.

It seems as though this is going to be somewhat of a minefield in the begining, with no dissrespect intended.
I guess I should just leave the ball in his court and back off until he feels comfortable again - although I know I will be blamed for going from one extreme to the other for doing so. It's a shame, as I really care about him and see a lot of good/potential in him/us.

Seems as though I'm going to be on a steep learning curve :)

 

[ProudWife99]

Leigh, as Amethist said, do not carry the weight of missteps on your shoulders. If I had a time for every time I handled a situation incorrectly with my husband, I wouldn't need to work!

It feels like I've been on this roller coaster my whole life I know him and his ups and downs so intimately, yet there are days I just mess it up. I'm human and so are you. And yes, it is much like a minefield in the beginning. I suggest doing as much research as you possibly can so you can make an informed, knowledgeable decision regarding your relationship. Read the threads in this section and you'll see it is not easy nor does it have an end date.

Don't push yourself, concentrate on your needs too, and cut yourself slack.

 

[Leigh]

Thank you very much for your support ProudWife.

I have decided to very much take a step back at the moment as he has gone into complete 'shut-down' mode, well, with me anyway. So I have left the ball entirely in his court - knowing that I will support him if he needs it.

I am a caring & 'fixing' person by nature and it seems as though he has taken offence to this, saying I'm trying too hard, he's not used to people looking after him etc ... Does this seem a common thing (in your experience) or is it something personal to him? I'm not prepared to change myself (that drastically) for him but I would gladly accomodate him & his needs.

Many thanks again for your support.

Leigh.

 

[Enigma66]

Hi Leigh, I don't come on these boards very often but your posts have struck a chord with me. I had a on-off again rel with someone with PTSD for 7 years.

I'd like to make a few points...

From his part -

* 'he said he was just tired and not in the mood' - moody/distant
* 'I was making him feel like he's not doing enough and causing him undue stress' - blaming, your fault.
* 'He just replied that we'll talk about it some other time and that was it.' - controlling and leaves you hanging in limbo wondering what is wrong and questioning yourself and your own integrity.

If your relationship is a fairly new one you might need to consider how far you want to go with it, set yourself some firm boundaries or a time-frame of how long and how much you are prepared to put up with/cope with. I note you say you have a MH condition yourself, you MUST keep yourself healthy and don't ever compromise your own health. Good luck :)

 

[ProudWife99]

Does this seem a common thing (in your experience) or is it something personal to him? .

My husband hates when I try to "fix" things for him, but he adores being taken care of. Which sucks for us, because I am NOT nurturing by nature. It takes real effort for me to demonstrate loving behaviors to him.

It is hard to separate which characteristics can change and evolve as someone with PTSD learns more coping mechanisms. He may never respond well to being "mothered" as I, after years of marriage, still am uncomfortable with it. It may be a symptom of the distance he needs to create between him and other people, it may not. It is so difficult to tell.

PTSD or not, people do change and grow. People evolve into different versions of themselves. This experience will change both of you, whether you're willing for it to or not. Be prepared for that.

 

[Tifanee]

Leigh, my partner hates it when i go into "fixing" mode. If there is a problem, I instantly go into brainstorming mode to find solutions. The fact he hates it isn't my fault and doesn't stop me from thinking of solutions. I just know now that I don't always have to voice them. I will instead ask if he would like to hear my ideas. If he says no, then i move on and whatever happens will happen. If he needs my help, he will ask for it.

I do know he likes my creative ideas, but if he is already experiencing anxiety, panic, or stress, then he translates the ideas as I don't think he is smart enough to handle it. This is unfair to me as I encourage him and tell him how smart he is for his accomplishments. My partner will isolate during these times and I just need to be aware and tread lightly. At some point he will always tell me what was going on, but it had to be on his terms, not mine. Understand that he is not upset with you, and the need to isolate is normal.

Like you I discovered my partner has PTSD after a normal period of talking late nights for 3 hours, constant emails and texts. I found that this is normal as he was really excited that we had alot in common and clicked, but the good stress of a new relationship impacts him the same as bad stress. He basically crashed and I had to take a step back, this is when I found out about his PTSD and what the trauma was. As much as you don't think it is appropriate to ask about his trauma, this is an important piece of the puzzle. Be non-responsive and patient, and supportive if he opens up to you. When they finally tell you, they trust you but there is a strong fear of rejection when they tell someone.

Take each day as it comes, keep your life moving in a positive direction and pause before you respond to him. There will be good and bad days, and with boundaries the bad days won't affect you as much. You are not in a traditional relationship with just a man, you are in a relationship with a man whose PTSD symptoms take over his world. These moments can be for a few hours, days, or weeks. Let him work it out and when the time is right he will talk to you. Just remember, his behavior is not about you but his behavior should not be directed at you!

Good luck and welcome!

 

[Taven Carlsen]

Leigh: Can't tell if the problem is his PTSD, what you've described could be but it could be everyday life. It's more likely that it is PTSD but based on the above info you still leave open the possibility he/you/both are making the normal mistakes. Shrug.

 

[Leigh]

Thank you Enigma, I must admit that I had thought things along these lines, but just thought maybe I was overthinking things. He's also been drinking heavily the past week or so and some substance abuse - which he has already admitted he does when he's 'not well'.
I know it sounds selfish, but I am at university and have children so I already have boundaries that will not be crossed by anyone, especially a new relationship. Compromise I can do, be used as a door mat - no thanks :giggle:

Thank you for your well wishes,
Take care.
Leigh.