Relationship Trying To Understand

[MissJ]

I'm new here.

I have been dating a guy in the military for a little over year. We had known each other before, and had just started seeing each other when he got called back to active duty and moved 6 hours away. We decided that we would try to make it work with the distance and just see what happened.

Things were going pretty well up until last spring when he told me he was planning to stay there for another year. I had a really hard time with that and we decided to split up. Two months later after many calls, texts, flowers, he convinced me that we should give things another shot and that he loved me and we could make the distance work. I had really missed him and decided he was right. Things were great and it seemed that the time apart was just what we needed.

We started to talk marriage, ect. and in August when he signed on to stay there another year, I was disappointed but we had a plan in place and we both were committed to getting through the next year because we knew financially it would benefit us for the future.

Towards the end of September it was like a switch went off and all the sudden I was dating a stranger. He was irritable every time we talked, didn't call or text as often and had no enthusiasm about coming back to visit. I visited with his sister, and she said they had seen this happen before but he had gotten help.

When he came to visit at the beginning of October, he kept saying he just didn't want to be around anyone, he had no sex drive, and that he was so STRESSED at work he just didn't know if he could handle the stress of that and the long distance. I was very upset and it was a tough weekend.

Over the past month and a half things have gotten worse. He won't let me come to visit because he says he is in a bad place and he needs to get better before he can see me. He has said several times that he doesn't know why he just snapped, that he's really stressed and he just doesn't know why he feels like this. He calls/texts sporadically and when I try to talk about us or how he is feeling he shuts down or just quits responding.

He was back home over Thanksgiving and I saw him for the first time today. He says he's just so confused on what to do. He loves me but he knows how hard this is for me and that he just needs space so that he can get better so that he can be healthy for us.

He finally told me he is getting counseling, but he feels like he can't truly get better knowing how much he is stressing me out and hurting me. He repeatedly said it has nothing to do with me and that his feelings have not changed for me. He says he doesn't want me to end up resenting me for how things are now so he wants to get healthy on his own.

We decided that we are going to take a break so that he can focus on getting better and that we will try to see each other over Christmas.

Has anyone else been in a situation where your significant other needed to be on their own when dealing with all this, but things worked out once they had better control of their illness? I just hate to see him going through this alone, but I know I can't push too hard.

 

[HollyB]

Hi MissJ: I'm not exactly in your situation (he hasn't asked to be alone), but I fear I'm getting close. My sufferer used to be very open, and is slowly shutting down. It's breaking my heart.

 

[Reject]

Hi MissJ. It's hard to me to know exactly what to say. I'm not sure which branch he is in or if he has done any intense training/deployments since he joined in. But my husband was in the army and it sounds like your guy is doing what mine did before we were married. I won't go into detail but as soon as he got stationed after basic training, there was a switch. He was mean to me, he ignored my calls and texts and some other things.

What I can say is that whatever job he has in the military, it's really rough. The guys in my husband's unit were jerks and they didn't care about our relationship. His platoon leader would call him up and make him do things for work on the weekend, even though I was there visiting. They made him have duty on our anniversary, the first one we were able to spend together. They just don't care. And when that's his daily life, he starts to feel worthless and confused, maybe even angry all the time. My husband's anger stems from the treatment he experienced while in the army, both during deployment and day to day living when he was stateside.

Try to be more understanding with that in mind. It doesn't excuse his behavior but give him his space. My husband needed a lot of it when he returned from Iraq and it hurt my feelings but in the long run, you're the stronger person by understand and respecting his needs. When he does open up, just listen and listen and listen. Let him know that you're on his side and you're there when he needs your support. It's a bumpy road and there are days where I feel like I can't do it anymore but my love for him makes me a stronger person.

I wouldn't say take advice from friends and family. They're trying to protect your feelings and they don't usually understand what our servicemen are dealing with. If an office full of women can get catty, imagine the testosterone and guy behavior when you're working with the same group of men every day and night. I really hope you two can find some common ground and work things out. Unfortunately, it just seems like the women have to compromise a little bit more than most couples when they love a guy in the military. :)

 

[MissJ]

Thanks Reject,
He is in the Army and deployed to Iraq twice. I really appreciate your advice. I'm hoping by giving him the space we need we can move forward in the near future.

 

[Wahinekaialii]

Miss J. You really need to allow him his space and be supportive along the way. I know that this is hard on you because I too went thru the same. You wanna be there for them, you wanna take away the pain, but, this is something that he needs to deal with by himself. He needs the "quiet time" but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means that he needs the time to gather his thoughts and try to make sense of the things that he is fighting internally.

If you truly love him and plan on being there for the long haul; trust me, it will be along haul, then you need to make sure that you take care of yourself also. Get involved with reading up on PTSD, seek help from a support group in your area, get a pedi/mani, go to the movies, or anything that occupies your time and without focusing all your attention o your oved one.

Good luck, sweetie. One day at a time.