D
Deleted member 47600
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this. My T bought to my attention the other day that I give her absolutely nothing to work with. She's right. I leave her to guess and make predictions on how I'm feeling and doing but I haven't given her any clarity on how I'm doing at all. She has no idea what im going through.
The way it works here is all YP's (me) are assigned a pdoc, a Clinical nurse specialist and a T. This is the 'clinical team', if you will.
My T works for the placements company. So she is my T and my only option for a T. It's very different here to how it is in the US.
T is lovely she really is, as a person. As a T? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too socially awkward. This is definitely possible.
We had the discussion that T is leaving in 4 months (so August?)
If she wasnt leaving that would be about the time we would plan to start trauma work. I freaked out and got hospitalised over the prospect of starting trauma work a few months back. It sounds dramatic and it wasnt quite like that. But that's how it looked.
However, when will CIM actually employ a new T? It takes months for newly allocated jobs to be 1)filled and 2)DBS checked etc. And then what if I dont click with T#2? Itll take time for us to get to know each other and the whole situation seems tedious and like a pain in the ass.
Also, so I'll do all the grounding work/safe place work with current T and then trauma work would be on the horizon for new T? *sigh*
Present T stuff minus me overthinking is still not great. I keep not turning up, to be honest. I do cancel obviously and T still gets $ for me bc CIM but this isnt looking good from a recovery stance.
when I'm talking about stuff my T is v empathetic. Which is obviously her job buut I feel uncomfortable. Idk. I dont like people feeling bad for me? Especially because i dont find the sessions hard, at all.
(In a sense that I'm never feeling particularly crappy over what we talk about. It's fairly lighthearted.)
It is mainly my fault. I have no ability to Express how I feel. I try I guess but I hate the prospect of having to go into anything anxiety provoking. No, thanks.
I want help and a life and to feel better but avoidance is a bitch. I need to suck it up and do it. And talk. But I hate it.
T talks to me about how hard everything is but I hate to resonate on how shit things are. But imagine T saying this really sympathetically? You have to be there. "aww this is really hard" "I'm sorry, this is horrible" "how are you feeling now?" "You seem a bit *insert observation here*" along with that look people give when they are concerned about you. Except what we talk about isnt truama work or anything. More just how I'm doing.
Maybe bc I'm a YP so i get treated younger but ugh im iffy about it.
Current thoughts are to look online for private T's and pay myself. It's possible. Well its only possible If i cut down on the MJ. but MJ helps, a lot. I've seen a T that I'm willing to book a phone call with. I'm not sure how CIM would feel about this. I wouldn't tell them. What if hired T thinks I'm weird or sketchy or doesnt like me being with CIM. Ugh. The thought of a private (as in not on the NHS or with CIM) T sounds promising. I'd be able to make work with less fear of the whole clinical and residential teams being updated on me (it's like I have 20 parents) and he would be completely separate to everyone everywhere which sounds refreshing.
Plus I'd pick a Male, personally. He wouldn't have the same anatomy as me. He cant relate psyically and that seems more doable. Plus men are less complicated lol.
The way it works here is all YP's (me) are assigned a pdoc, a Clinical nurse specialist and a T. This is the 'clinical team', if you will.
My T works for the placements company. So she is my T and my only option for a T. It's very different here to how it is in the US.
T is lovely she really is, as a person. As a T? I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too socially awkward. This is definitely possible.
We had the discussion that T is leaving in 4 months (so August?)
If she wasnt leaving that would be about the time we would plan to start trauma work. I freaked out and got hospitalised over the prospect of starting trauma work a few months back. It sounds dramatic and it wasnt quite like that. But that's how it looked.
However, when will CIM actually employ a new T? It takes months for newly allocated jobs to be 1)filled and 2)DBS checked etc. And then what if I dont click with T#2? Itll take time for us to get to know each other and the whole situation seems tedious and like a pain in the ass.
Also, so I'll do all the grounding work/safe place work with current T and then trauma work would be on the horizon for new T? *sigh*
Present T stuff minus me overthinking is still not great. I keep not turning up, to be honest. I do cancel obviously and T still gets $ for me bc CIM but this isnt looking good from a recovery stance.
when I'm talking about stuff my T is v empathetic. Which is obviously her job buut I feel uncomfortable. Idk. I dont like people feeling bad for me? Especially because i dont find the sessions hard, at all.
(In a sense that I'm never feeling particularly crappy over what we talk about. It's fairly lighthearted.)
It is mainly my fault. I have no ability to Express how I feel. I try I guess but I hate the prospect of having to go into anything anxiety provoking. No, thanks.
I want help and a life and to feel better but avoidance is a bitch. I need to suck it up and do it. And talk. But I hate it.
T talks to me about how hard everything is but I hate to resonate on how shit things are. But imagine T saying this really sympathetically? You have to be there. "aww this is really hard" "I'm sorry, this is horrible" "how are you feeling now?" "You seem a bit *insert observation here*" along with that look people give when they are concerned about you. Except what we talk about isnt truama work or anything. More just how I'm doing.
Maybe bc I'm a YP so i get treated younger but ugh im iffy about it.
Current thoughts are to look online for private T's and pay myself. It's possible. Well its only possible If i cut down on the MJ. but MJ helps, a lot. I've seen a T that I'm willing to book a phone call with. I'm not sure how CIM would feel about this. I wouldn't tell them. What if hired T thinks I'm weird or sketchy or doesnt like me being with CIM. Ugh. The thought of a private (as in not on the NHS or with CIM) T sounds promising. I'd be able to make work with less fear of the whole clinical and residential teams being updated on me (it's like I have 20 parents) and he would be completely separate to everyone everywhere which sounds refreshing.
Plus I'd pick a Male, personally. He wouldn't have the same anatomy as me. He cant relate psyically and that seems more doable. Plus men are less complicated lol.
