Turning Anger Inward, Or Into Something Else?

[sun seeker]

I started wondering about this after reading several posts where people were talking about their problems controlling anger. I know it's a common PTSD symptom but now am wondering if either that isn't universal or if some of us turn that anger into something else. Looking back, starting when I was a teenager I felt rage so great it felt like it would spill over at the slightest provocation (as in the cup analogy). It was a physical sensation, hot, itching, intense. It really disturbed me because even then I was conscious of not wanting to take it out on anyone. Instead I would cry in despair, get stomach aches and headaches, flee in search of space where I wasn't being triggered. Sometimes, yes, it has spilled over, but almost never as an immediate reaction to a small thing. I take in more and more stress until it turns into resentment. I almost never yell or express it in an explosive way. When something happens that annoys me I feel a very brief flash of anger and then immediately turn it into a feeling of helplessness and/or hatred towards myself. Sometimes I know I say hurtful things, because I have held in my resentment so long before it bursts out instead of commenting as soon as there is something bothering me. I have been chronically depressed since puberty, a state often expressed as "anger turned inward."

Growing up in my family, I don't think I ever saw a "normal" expression of anger. It was always out of control and dangerous, and never ever got resolved. I am terrified of anger both in myself and people around me. I think that's why I turn it against myself so quickly.

Is anyone else like this? Does it have to do with how you were raised? It's just that when I read about PTSD there is this assumption of explosive rage, and I don't have it in any obvious way but it's occurring to me that I do have it but just channel it differently.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I don't experience anger - hopeless frustration is about as close as I can get to it. Like you I am terrified of all forms of anger, including the anger I have experienced in the past.

My Dad was explosively angry and volatile when in a temper, yet he could also be very manipulative and hide this or give an entirely different impression when he wanted. My maternal grandmother's anger is manipulative, controlling and overly defensive, every move she makes is an act to get you to feel the most guilt and worthlessness. My mum can be passive aggressive and can also guilt-trip, but more often than not she's very neutral, she doesn't get angry much, usually letting people walk all over her and us - she also dissociates as well. My paternal grandmother would be kind and sweet almost bitterly so, but for no reason become intensely cruel and spiteful like a game, it never made any sense. My cousin would get physically aggressive and would throw tantrums.

Thinking about it, I'm not sure what normal anger looks like and even anger that I see on TV scares me now. My sister's show some anger from time to time, but I don't see much of it, it's not volatile like the dangerous people's, but it's still intimidating and shocking for me. I don't know, I've had problems with extreme introversion, day-dreaming and depression since around 8. I had more anger as a teen, but since the wall between me and my memories broke down, I've had no anger even though I should have had some, but I can't cry either or feel/experience much of anything other than fear, anxiety and panic.

 

[Nam]

I feel there two paths my emotions take: anger or helpless fear. One makes me do and say things I regret and the other makes me hide, cry, and withdraw. The first one doesn't hurt as much, but the second one can pull me under pretty fast. I pretty much won't allow anger to control me. I make sure that my cup is emptied as soon as something drops in there. It really helps to communicate as soon as the feeling comes, no matter how trivial it may seem. The second path is harder to deal with but the pain isn't shared. I'd rather carry it then inflict pain on someone else.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm not sure if this helps you any...

I don't do anger and have no memories of being angry and anger in others frightens me.

But unlike others I have no memory of my abusers (or my parents) being angry in any significant way (my abuse was sexual not physical).

I do however have health issues and I've been told they are related to anger turned internally.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe you should change your title because your text doesn't reflect your title and you do admit to having anger, just not expressing it outwardly so much. (You may get more responses that way.)

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks everyone, so far these responses confirm my hunch.

Solara, that's a good idea but I'm not sure how to do that.

 

[joeylittle]

@sun seeker, I took a stab at a title rewrite (since you agreed it was a good idea). Let me know if you'd like it changed to something else.

I identify with your post. I can sometimes feel something that might be anger bubbling up - the word that comes to mind is "anger" or "rage" - but then it morphs into a kind of dead, heavy feeling, almost cold. I turn cold, actually, sometimes.

Otherwise, if it's not about me - for example, when I see someone doing something bad to someone else - I get very frustrated and helpless feeling, and though I will try and better the situation, I'll often end up in tears after. I cover all that up, though. People often remark on how calm I am in a public crisis. I don't know what's up with that.

My therapist is practically desperate to have me get angry, I think. If I even bring it up as a concept, he jumps right on it - "what about that made you start to feel angry?", "how did you relate to it physically?", etc.etc. But it's never there when I look, just the detached cold feeling.

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks @joeylittle.

So what I'm noticing in all the replies is that anger in some form is an issue, but maybe the assumption of reactivity or explosiveness in PTSD needs revising. Not that five people self-reporting make up a scientific study!

In terms of what normal anger looks like, I was thinking about this and my tentative answer is that it would be an expression of anger that doesn't threaten the relationship between the person expressing it and the recipient. The reason anger can be so frightening for many of us is because we equate it with danger, either physical danger or a loss of some kind. In a secure relationship the occasional expression of anger prevents resentment building up, it is specific to what is going on in the moment, and it doesn't attack who a person is. Once the moment is over, it's really over and the relationship is still secure.

I think. I've seen very little of this so I'm still thinking this through.