Twisted

[Bookoffee]

My head hurts so much right now. I am trying to clear it of all negative thoughts and relax. I have my calm music on, the bible and Thich Nhat Hanh meditation books. I am not reading them yet as they make no sense to me at this moment. But having them close by and touching me is giving me a little comfort that there was another that needed and wants peace just as much as I do.


I am not doing well at all. I am not suicidal or homicidal so I can’t got to a hospital. That is where I need to be. I need help. My wife is at a loss as to how to help me and wants me to just stop doing what I am doing and do something different to fix my problems. I just started seeing my new therapist and my psychiatrist is on vacation.


My head is twisted mentally. The argument my wife and I had the other night really triggered me. Am I really twisting everyone’s thoughts around to be something they are not? I have caused the abuse in my past because I didn’t understand the communication and body language that was directed to me. I do not know what is right or wrong, true or false.


I need to live my life, but how? I feel I need more guidance than books and music.

 

[joeylittle]

I am not suicidal or homicidal so I can’t got to a hospital. That is where I need to be. I need help.

You can go to a hospital, if that is where you need to be.

• Is someone covering for your psychiatrist? You can call them and ask to be admitted.
• You can also call your therapist, say that it is an emergency, tell them you think you need to be in hospital and ask them to help you.
• You can just take yourself there, to the ER if you like.

My psychiatrist once said to me something I thought was smart. She said that hospitalization doesn't always need to be for the big, out of control moments. Sometimes you just need to put yourself somewhere else, where you know there are people taking care of you. Now, I have a lot of knowledge of and faith in the hospitals in my area; but I do believe that sometimes we cannot take care of ourselves.

If you want to try and cope on your own, it sounds like you need different distractions right now - the ones you are using aren't helping.

Stop trying to work out your mental state; the goal is to move your focus totally elsewhere. Can you:

• go for a walk?
• draw a picture?
• clean something? (cleaning is my go-to)
• head out to a library or coffee shop, and people-watch?
• Make a list of five little errands you want to get done, and do them? (little ones, like: sort socks. or take out trash)

You aren't going to solve all the problems of your life today, right now - so you don't have to try. Today, right now, your goal is to fill your head with other things. Sometimes meditation is hard when there's been a lot of recent crisis, and just being mindful while doing very simple things can be more effective.

PM if you'd like.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am not suicidal or homicidal so I can’t got to a hospital.

I think you can. I think if that's where you need to be and you would feel safest, then that is where you need to go. You may not be actively suicidal, but you aren't functioning well based on your posts.

I have caused the abuse in my past because I didn’t understand the communication and body language that was directed to me.

You did not cause the abuse. You did not ask for it. Abuse is abuse no matter what you misunderstood. You wouldn't blame a disabled child because they misunderstood. The fault for abuse lands solely with the abuser no matter what.

I hope you can figure out what is the best way for you to get the help you are crying out for. Call your therapist and ask for options of what to do if you need to.

 

[WillyKat]

Call your new therapist. That's why you have one. Maybe a chat on the phone will help.

In the meantime, know this one fact if nothing else: you didn't cause your own abuse. Thinking you are somehow at fault is the abuser's narrative echoing in your head. That's what they want you to think. If they knew you thought that, they would be pleased. Fight back against them by knowing the truth: that you did not participate in becoming a victim; it doesn't work that way.

 

[arfie]

Matrimonial disputes trigger the sensibility out of me and put me in full flight mode. Road trips are my life line when hubs and I are doing the eggshell waltz. It takes two to have a marital dispute and my guilt over my part triggers every thread of residual PTSD guilt in me. Awareness of his part in it triggers the paranoia and hyper-vigilance. He can no more help me through it than he can "fix me." Road trips are a heck of allot cheaper than a hospital stay, even with "good" insurance. It took hubs a while to learn how to let me go during these moments, but it sure helped us build confidence in our marriage. 34 years and hoping for 34 more.

Just me, but I was born and raised on the road. Hubs knew this about me when he said, "I do."

Gentle validation while you work through your own, Bookofee.

 

[Bookoffee]

I don't remember much after I wrote this yesterday. I woke up about two hours ago and I am starting to feel better today. @joeylittle thank you for the list to help keep me focused on other things. I will be working on them today to keep myself in the moment. Thank you for the offer of PM, it meant a lot to me.

A friend gave me some new toys for my animals yesterday and I have been watching them play this morning and I am finding it very uplifting and loved. I know it doesn't sound like much but it is to me.

My wife works on Saturday but I usually don't mind because I have a routine watching CBS Dream Team, cleaning the house and playing with the animals. I love my wife dearly and miss her when she is gone but I really do look forward to this time to gather myself and feel safe.

I am trying to face this day as if it is a new day to feeling better.

 

[joeylittle]

I know it doesn't sound like much but it is to me.

Here's the thing: whatever will fill your mind with something in the moment that is emotionally neutral, good, or even great - that is an absolutely valid, 100% be-glad-you-found-it distraction. It's really important to have those.

Having a routine is also a very helpful thing. It gives your mind a plan. This isn't avoidance - it's actually productive.

I really do encourage you to make a list of things you can go to when you are feeling at a loss. Try one for 15 minutes, if it's not working, move on to the next. This is definitely a depression coping skill - but I think it works for depression related to PTSD - and it has definitely gotten me through many, many days where I otherwise couldn't function.

Enjoy your day!:hug:

 

[Bookoffee]

I really do encourage you to make a list of things you can go to when you are feeling at a loss.

I am trying to get through HelpGuide website for help: Link Removed

There is a stress busting diary on it. Very helpful: Link Removed

Thank you again

 

[joeylittle]

Those look great, @Bookoffee. I hope you don't mind one other word of advice - almost all the things suggested on that website fall under the category "self-soothing". Self-soothing is a wonderful technique. Sometimes, when what you are experiencing isn't stress but is instead a more intense anxiety or depression or agitation, self-soothing can actually be "too advanced". because it does require focusing on something that is very passive - the smell of the tea, the feel of the carpet, the calm of a photo.

When those things are too challenging, it's OK to move on to distractions that are more "active" or "engaging" - like playing with your animals, or watching them play. Because they are constantly changing, they will pull your focus faster and help your mind move away from the downward spiral.

I think I've seen you using links from dbt self help. This one might be good to add to your distraction arsenal: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/accepts.html

 

[Bookoffee]

Great Link @joeylittle Thank you. I bookmarked it. I will be using it later today when I start to put my list together.

 

[Bookoffee]

I haven't been able to put my list together yet. I decided to clean out my bedroom. I also took the dog for a walk a couple of times. Once through a picketed protest. I had a moment where I froze and didn't know if I would make it through the small crowd, but I carried on. I was able to keep my mind in the now for a majority of the day. It turned out well.