Two Contradicting Statements On Love....

[J_trustno1]

Two contradicting statements:
1) love finds you when you least expect it
vs
2)you gotta be looking for it actively...

I have heard these two statements from very wise ladies or gentlemen but none of them ever worked.

Let's talk about the statement 1) . I have been following this rule until I was 25 and nothing happened.

Let's now talk about very damaging statement 2)
Then a very so called wise friend told me that I have to look for love, and a guy won't just pop onto my door by magic. So I told her about my close friendship with a friend at uni. She told me to grab that guy! YES, she told me to do this! I started talking to him more and we became friends. I was always trying to spend time with him and then he asked me out. The whole thing only worked out for 4 days and then I was dumped. Due to being a sensitive person, it took me almost 8 months to get over this guy. However, it was hard for me to let go of him because he was the first guy in real life and the kind of harsh comments he had said to me did hurt. I was honest to him ever since we became friend (knew him for 3 months before all that dating etc). I did tell him about my past and I feel I let the boundaries down too quickly about telling him about my past abuse. So that was out of the way.

Previously, I met a guy on internet about 8 yrs ago. He also tried taking advantage of my emotions and knew how to manipulate me (i was about 18-19 then). He played the game really well for two years and it took me 2 years to forget him.

Anyway, none of those two statements have ever worked. Now I have become a very cold person that I just mind my own business and don't bother conversing with people unless it is necessary. I used to be very easy going and talkative 2-3 years ago but every time I met any people be it acquaintances or made friends, I was ditched, made fun of or some actually tried using me sexually. I was a vulnerable person. I am not following statement number 2 because it has always damaged me but then again if I don't meet people how will I get to know them? At the same time I fear that who ever tries being nice or is talking me has ulterior motifs. See I am stuck in two different polarities.

Any suggestions would be great. Thanks and sorry for being annoying.

 

[StarChild]

Two contradicting statements:
1) love finds you when you least expect it
vs
2)you gotta be looking for it actively...

Okay, to me, these statements are not contradictory, but have two different ways of looking at how to (possibly) get a friend. Statement #1 is a more passive way to look at it: by waiting. And statement #2 is a more pro-active way to look at it; by taking action. So, as I see it, there's no right or wrong, just different ways to handle expectations / dreams about how to find love.

So I told her about my close friendship with a friend at uni. She told me to grab that guy! YES, she told me to do this!

And what's so terrible about it? To dump you, was that guy's decision, not that of your friend. So you're angry at the wrong one.

2)you gotta be looking for it actively...

Let's now talk about very damaging statement 2)

Could you please elaborate more about, why you think this is such a damaging statement?

Oh, and one more question; What exactly are you looking for with this thread? Advice on how to find love, or how to handle friendships in general, or what exactly are you looking for?

 

[Friday]

You're not annoying. You're learning.

Here's something to ponder... When stuck, I often change the context of what I'm stuck over to find the flaws in my own thinking.

Two contradictory statements about food:

Food should be delicious vs.
Food should be nutritious

I have eaten food twice. Both times they were moldy and disgusting and made me sick. So it's not true that food is delicious. And what makes you sick can't possibly be nutritious. So it's not true that food is nutritious. (All my life I have only ever gotten my nutrients from an IV.) So which of the above statements are true?

Not enough data.

Love is one of the most complicated things out there, far more complicated than food... And yet, a binary system doesn't work with food, either. In fact, can you think of anything in your life that you mastered after trying only two times? Not walking, not talking, not eating, not school (lol, can you imagine going to school twice, 2 days later at the age of 5, and getting your university degree???)... Probably there is nothing in your life you've done twice, and & mastered. Nothing in my own, at least. Even swallowing, I sometimes choke and my drink goes down the wrong pipe! And we're born knowing how to swallow!!!

You grew up in an abusive household... So you didn't have a good system/pattern down on choosing and making friends (as evidenced by how you now see those relationships). People you thought were your friends, and the treatment you expected and received? Not what you want out of a friendship... Yes? You're still learning what you want out of a friendship? Even after (dozens, scores, hundreds? I moved all the time, I don't really know what a normal number of friends over 20 years looks like) over the course of years, you're still learning... Yes?

((That's normal, by the way. We learn what kind of friends we want, and what kind of friends we don't, through trial and error. Abuse or no abuse. But with abuse instead of being an uphill battle -learning curve-, it's an uphill battle with ice. Constantly sliding. Until you heal enough to get a good pair of cleats.))

Lovers are like friends x1000. It's a lot more intense. And yet, after only 2 attempts... You've called halt to the experiment & want your results.

My suggestion is this: You need more data.

I suggest you start out with making friends. Learning what to look for in friends (what you value, like, respect in others / how to treat them / how to expect to be treated by them / how to approach interesting people / how to avoid people you do not wish to be friends with / how to maintain friendships). If you happen to go out on a few dozen dates with different young men during the Healthy Friendship Experiment, awesome, but that's not the intent. The intent is to learn how to be a good friend, and make good friends, first. Then move on to dating.

Expect failure. A lot of it. Failure when learning is not a bad thing. When you first learned to walk, you probably did it weird. Like a camel, or a dog, or frog, or robot. If you never adjusted (aka, failed) you'd STILL be walking like a camel!!! Failure when learning is learning how to do a thing better.

So first focus on making better friends. Then focus on dating better men.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Lets face it, there are a LOT of shitty people (males and females) out there who will try to take advantage of you in any way that they can. I was in chat the other day with a few good people (you know who you are!) and they made me realize that there will ALWAYS be crappy people who cross our paths. It is our job to be able to weed out the good ones from the bad ones, and when we do meet a bad one, whatever it is that makes them "bad" is on THEM! That is, we shouldn't assume that all people are bad based on a few bad encounters.

The truth is that bad people can find us, or we can find them (inadvertently). I don't think the flaw is necessarily in how we come across them, ie them finding us or us finding them. On the flipside, we can find good people or good people can find us.

I agree that its a good idea to just look for friends for now. I joined a pen pal site so that I can practice my getting to know you skills in a safer, anonymous arena. There are still creep-o guys there who will hit on you and think they can get more, but you learn how to see these red flags that pop up and kick them to the curb swiftly.

 

[J_trustno1]

@TreeHugger: I am NOT looking for anything but trying to analyze all the stuff that has happened in my life over the last 2-3 years. I was being friendly and a group of friends tried to rape me and they told me that they could sniff my depression and saddness. That actively looking for friends or a relationship is damaging because I was betrayed in terms of friends and a relationship. I had people entering my life and only 2-3% were actually genuine and the rest either ditched me (talking about both male and female friends ), laughed, and two in particular actually planned a threesome.

I am not looking for sympathy but trying to understand what has been happening in my life. I had a friend for more 10yrs from school who used to maon about her problems and when i was going through rough period she disappeared. Another friend whom I had known 5yrs told me that she is not my therapy sessions when i was in hell 2 years ago, hell I was there to listen to her problems about not finding a bf or her abusive mother but I was told off when I was going through a rough patch.

With that guy, he was the first guy I actually was with in real life. He told me that he'll be straight forward with me but he never told me I was not good enough for him. He wasted my time for a month without actually telling his real intentions. Real friends /love doesn't play with your emotions.

 

[Tanishq]

@J_trustno1 To give an opinion on thread title and content in it, No they are not contradicting statements. In fact, I would like to say congratulations to you that you found them both.

@FridayJones I learned a lot in this thread today. Thank you for sharing more!

Probably there is nothing in your life you've done twice, and & mastered.

I agree with this and it is so true.

Lovers are like friends x1000. It's a lot more intense.

This is true.

 

[J_trustno1]

@FridayJones: Thanks for sharing your knowledge. I really loved your answer. Thanks for teaching and reminding me about friendship and how becoming friends before any relationship. I can recall my previous T telling me about being friends first. Yes, you are very right about the learning curve. It is very difficult to understand people after being given so many wrong examples.

@Solara : Thanks for answering my question. Yup you are right about the creeps that enter our lives be it internet or real life. It is a huge learning curve. I haven't tried penpal, I shall try it ;). Thanks for writing and being one of the straightforward people here, it gives a great perspective about where I am at.

 

[StarChild]

What you described to me in your answer, is what almost all people go through in life. It is rather the rule than the exception. Especially this:

I had people entering my life and only 2-3% were actually genuine

Life is not, what some of the famous social media try to make you believe. You won't have 652 true, good, best friends... But a few who'll stick with you. Also friendships, even very, very good, and close friendships can last a lifetime or just a few years. As life is a dynamic process. And sometimes, paths that crossed will divide eventually. But that does not mean that a friendship was bad. Just that life guides you or your friend(s) into other directions.

That actively looking for friends or a relationship is damaging because I was betrayed in terms of friends and a relationship.

Jess, there's 1001 ways to "look actively" for friends and relationship... And there's not the ultimate one correct way to do it. There's also no way with a guarantee for good friendships. And, you can't prevent that dishonest, self-centered people with an hidden agenda will enter / or try to enter your life. But you can learn how to spot them and how to manage to get rid of them, as soon as you'll find out about their true intentions.
I find this statement helpful:

The truth is that bad people can find us, or we can find them (inadvertently).

On the flipside, we can find good people or good people can find us.

It's important to not let the unhealthy people rule your perceptions of life. What I'm trying to say is, that although you will get hurt in life by people, try to stay focused on the good and genuine ones. They do exist! :tup:
And, not all people that hurt you, do this consciously. Even best friends do hurt you, although all they did, was well meant.

I think it is of essence, that you to find out, what you exactly want from a friendship and what you don't want. What you can accept and what you absolutely won't. Where to make compromise, and where to stand your ground. And then stick with it, or reflect from time to time and adjust if necessary. - And yes, all this can only be achieved by practice = interacting with people. And the best requirement for success is to learn and to know who you are. To know and value your self-worth. And to love yourself in a healthy way.

 

[Lucycat]

You have to kiss a hundred frogs before you will find your Prince Charming.

 

[ms spock]

Another friend whom I had known 5yrs told me that she is not my therapy sessions when i was in hell 2 years ago, hell I was there to listen to her problems about not finding a bf or her abusive mother but I was told off when I was going through a rough patch.

The difference between people who have good enough parenting and those of us that didn't get love and support is that we feel needy and desperate and we don't read the cues to back off. For someone to get to the stage that they are telling you that they are not your therapy sessions would mean that you had missed a lot of back off signals before then.

You can be there for people in your own way. People can be there for you in their own way.

You have to get to a point where you can read the signals and not break the relationship by expecting too much. Just because they can't meet each and every one of your needs right now doesn't mean they won't give you a bit of support later on, and they aren't good people or good friends. They just have different abilities to deal with and offer comfort and care than you do.

Child abuse survivors often expect too much from people. When you are in hell you need to spread what you are going through around through your support network, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist etc and phone lines.

Expecting people to be there for you when you are going through hell is a sure way to burn out and destroy your friendship. We are better off expecting less and maintaining the friendship.

Otherwise we go through life projecting those inner child needs on to people, trying to get them to mother us, and it doesn't work out so well in the end. Then we end up being alone.

I don't see how you can relax, grow and change whilst you still live with your mother and see your abusers. That might be something to think about.

When you have a pattern of people disappearing out of your life, then you need to start looking at ways you are behaving which means people feel overwhelmed and leave. Once you start doing this then you can have a bit of a chance to connect and stay connected with people. Have you looked at DBT?

You seem to suffer from a lot of rumination @[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/j_trustno1.24120/"]J_trustno1[/DLMURL] and that is overwhelming for people who don't understand what you are going through and still hard for those that do.

I have had to cut people out of my life, it was an awful thing to do, but when someone's rumination/depression/PTSD means that they don't seem to remember that you have listened to their story over a hundred times and they keep asking for more and more despite you giving your all, well something has got to give.

Yes there are a lot of shitty people out there, that is the risk of being human and being connected, but there are also a lot of good people out there, that if you don't learn to meet your own needs and do your own self care, that you will scare off, because you haved lived through a lot.

You missed out on so much as a child, @[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/j_trustno1.24120/"]J_trustno1[/DLMURL] and that is really shitty and really unfair, but the fact is that no one human being is going to be able to make that up to you or meet those inner child needs, you have to do it. And once you do it, you will attract a better type of person in to your life.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Ms Spock : Thanks for writing on this thread. With this friend from 5 years, I was the one who cared for her when she was upset. I didn't throw my problems when she had hers things only changed when I was severely depressed and had no one to turn to. I used to call her overseas on her birthdays but she never even bothered to ask if I had a birthday. I feel that I was actually letting people run over me. I started maintaining a distance from her because I could sense that she is NOT interested in what is going on in my life but hers. She used to teach me manners on net trying to tell me that she will be the first one to talk about her problems. I even let her do that.

Last year in May she was complaining about her mother dridriving her nuts because she decided to forgive her mother for all that abuse after having a nightmare about her mother's death. However, things didn't work out for her and she was depressed again. I tried keeping in touch with her just to make sure she was okay. However, I was the initiator to even make sure she was doing alright. I never had her doing this. Maybe I was just a fool to waste my time and effort on someone who doesn't really care about my being.

That's all for now.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think loving anyone requires being able to get out of yourself & want equally if not more so the good of the other person. To care about someone as much or more than yourself. We have different capacities, priorities, living experiences, histories, desires. And those can change as well.

You'll be ok @J_trustno1 . And no, you didn't waste your time, but you deserve people who are able to give it as well.